DMSI journal

[whome]

It's not like I'm going to switch, but still I'm feeling unsettled.

First, I'm coming down with a cold; last night I slept and my sinuses got inflamed. I didn't sleep terribly well, but the bummer is that this is a DMSI off-day, and even with a cold I still slept better than I did on DMSI.

Second, I'm reading the posts on this board and they hurt.

I know that I'm pretty knotted up inside. I'm older than 40, and have had basically one real relationship, maybe 4 years ago, that lasted a few months and that I had to end because she was in worse emotional shape than me and I could feel her pulling me down. I told myself that rather than trying to get a relationship, to focus on healing because obviously something was broken inside of me in a way that was preventing it.

I did lots and lots of healing modalities, with little result. Along the way I did months and months of E1, and then months and months of E2 and noticed nothing. No changes, no healing. I gave up on subliminals and IML because nothing happened.

I started DMSI because of the absurdity and the fantasy wish fulfillment feel to it. Who wouldn't want women to approach you and try to make sex happen with you? So I got DMSI 3.2. It had some vague effect of feeling something that told me that something was happening. But I'm still broken in some way that this isn't working.

FRM showed up in USLM. So I switched to USLM to see if the FRM would do something. It kinda helped in reducing the emotional pain but I didn't see any effects. So when FRM came back to DMSI in 3.3, I hopped back there. Having the goal be for women to want to jump me outweighed a goal of being successful. (I already consider myself pretty successful.)

DMSI at 3.3 and 3.3.1 haven't executed. 3.3 had the same rumbles of feelings to let me know that something was going on, and 3.3.1 has my subconscious crushing me in prevention of running it.

The primary goal of DMSI is to cause yourself to become irresistibly sexually attractive, and have others try to get in your pants as a result.

The primary goal of E3 is to give you deep, powerful emotional healing and clearing that makes you healthier emotionally.

The primary goal of LTU is to make your life as much better as possible in as many directions as possible, in the shortest amount of time possible, all at once.

This hurts to read. (!!! To be clear, I am not blaming Shannon or anyone else for causing me pain. I'm aware that all of my emotional issues are mine and while they may be triggered by others' actions, I am not blaming others for their actions. !!!)

I hear a voice of shame in me: How can you value women getting into your pants over healing? Another voice: Your subconscious is so terrified of having friends and lovers that it is killing you trying to execute DMSI. How about switching to something more healing?

Yet I'm aware that I've used "I need to heal" in the past as an excuse to hate myself as being broken. And who's to know if LTU, which has the same FRM as DMSI 3.3.1, will even execute if DMSI isn't?

I don't know what the point of my post is, here. It feels kinda shitty to see all these options that aren't working for me, and to see others have success. Sigh.

Maybe I just need a hug.