USLM V3 Journal

[mat422]

I am going to journal something I just realized I was doing. Hiding it causes more problems.

Ok, so I'm home on a Saturday, day 2 of my time off for vacation. I've felt unworthy and unwanted--old understandings of myself--and I've reached out to at least 2 people online who I've gotten to know some in the last 2 years.

What began stressing me is a maneuver I do where I put on this personality for him, and another one for her. Wow--just realized something....

My stress is from the one male I've reached out to. I'm seeking to earn his acceptance, just like with other males--and I am doing it here now. Constantly trying to avoid rejection and abandonment (which is tied to childhood memories)

That's been stressing me, me having to juggle masks AND........ feel confident, or at least fake it, while I BS. Confidence? WTF is that when I'm lying to you or anyone else? I say "BS!" to myself when I do that. Lying to myself has always required a lot more lying .

Due to me lying to myself, I've not trusted myself setting clear goals on USLM, but I do know that sane living (by not being stuck in fear 24/7) is a major desire of mine. Which is why I ran E2 and stuck with it. I wanted FREEDOM.

No rushing Shannon ....I'm just trying to keep myself honest, and this is one avenue. I HATE being in this game. It. Takes. Too. Much. Damn. WORK!

I feel drained just admitting that. Going to go join my 2 guy friends for our money game.


major goal?: I seek to be honest with myself. (relief tears came with writing that)

Hey man don't beat yourself up about it. I really relate to what you've wrote here. One trap that I constantly fell into was me thinking "I should be better than this". A lot of us have built up defense mechanisms to keep us safe in life or what the subconscious perceived as safety. It takes a bit to remove these. Shannon's subs are fast, but it still takes time. During that time just know you'll improve and be easy with yourself. Despite how it feels, we didn't really choose a lot of this behavior so blaming ourselves for falling back to old ways and longstanding habits only causes us more stress that we don't need.

You're definitely making progress. I just think, like me, when a lot of this stuff is brought to the surface there's a tendency to get attached to it before you let it go. But you will let it go, sometimes it takes a slight detour before you get there.