I am going to journal something I just realized I was doing. Hiding it causes more problems.
Ok, so I'm home on a Saturday, day 2 of my time off for vacation. I've felt unworthy and unwanted--old understandings of myself--and I've reached out to at least 2 people online who I've gotten to know some in the last 2 years.
What began stressing me is a maneuver I do where I put on this personality for him, and another one for her. Wow--just realized something....
My stress is from the one male I've reached out to. I'm seeking to earn his acceptance, just like with other males--and I am doing it here now. Constantly trying to avoid rejection and abandonment (which is tied to childhood memories)
That's been stressing me, me having to juggle masks AND........ feel confident, or at least fake it, while I BS. Confidence? WTF is that when I'm lying to you or anyone else? I say "BS!" to myself when I do that. Lying to myself has always required a lot more lying
.
Due to me lying to myself, I've not trusted myself setting clear goals on USLM, but I do know that sane living (by not being stuck in fear 24/7) is a major desire of mine. Which is why I ran E2 and stuck with it. I wanted FREEDOM.
No rushing Shannon
....I'm just trying to keep myself honest, and this is one avenue. I HATE being in this game. It. Takes. Too. Much. Damn. WORK!
I feel drained just admitting that. Going to go join my 2 guy friends for our money game.
major goal?: I seek to be honest with myself. (relief tears came with writing that)
Edit: This is day 1 of my sub break
Ok, so I'm home on a Saturday, day 2 of my time off for vacation. I've felt unworthy and unwanted--old understandings of myself--and I've reached out to at least 2 people online who I've gotten to know some in the last 2 years.
What began stressing me is a maneuver I do where I put on this personality for him, and another one for her. Wow--just realized something....
My stress is from the one male I've reached out to. I'm seeking to earn his acceptance, just like with other males--and I am doing it here now. Constantly trying to avoid rejection and abandonment (which is tied to childhood memories)
That's been stressing me, me having to juggle masks AND........ feel confident, or at least fake it, while I BS. Confidence? WTF is that when I'm lying to you or anyone else? I say "BS!" to myself when I do that. Lying to myself has always required a lot more lying
. Due to me lying to myself, I've not trusted myself setting clear goals on USLM, but I do know that sane living (by not being stuck in fear 24/7) is a major desire of mine. Which is why I ran E2 and stuck with it. I wanted FREEDOM.
No rushing Shannon
....I'm just trying to keep myself honest, and this is one avenue. I HATE being in this game. It. Takes. Too. Much. Damn. WORK!I feel drained just admitting that. Going to go join my 2 guy friends for our money game.
major goal?: I seek to be honest with myself. (relief tears came with writing that)
Edit: This is day 1 of my sub break
I want to be FREE!
