12-15-2018, 04:37 AM
I remembered a image in a dream waking up this morning, an hour ago. Still tired, I stayed in bed. I was reading journal threads, someone mentioned a dream, and this came back to me.
It feels strange now, but waking up, I wasn't shocked or anything. In fact, I remember being drawn back to the image mentally. Like my mind was trying to get my attention.
I saw chimpanzees in a wild jungle, just being themselves. But one, not even their leader, was wearing a white navy captain's suit, white hat and all. It didn't strike me as strange at first. But being drawn back, I remember hearing (or feeling) this slow awareness that "this is odd".
I don't know what this is. But as I've written, it's happening again. I think it's pointing at my denial, over many things. Even now, I saw in my mind an image of my brain, and barely visible layers are being taken off by a see-through robot character. A sense of relief and accomplishment comes with this imagination.
Denial is how I've survived around abusive or dishonest people. I never confront. I've used this my whole life, since children use this to survive parents who they depend on. I did. I'm still using this, as it's how I handle Ghetto Guy at work.
And as I sit here imagining him or my own mother, I use it to avoid and deny the fear which comes when around them. I said I never confront. Something inside me said "it's not safe". Fear is trying to "protect" me. I'm losing words now. Unsure why.
It feels strange now, but waking up, I wasn't shocked or anything. In fact, I remember being drawn back to the image mentally. Like my mind was trying to get my attention.
I saw chimpanzees in a wild jungle, just being themselves. But one, not even their leader, was wearing a white navy captain's suit, white hat and all. It didn't strike me as strange at first. But being drawn back, I remember hearing (or feeling) this slow awareness that "this is odd".
I don't know what this is. But as I've written, it's happening again. I think it's pointing at my denial, over many things. Even now, I saw in my mind an image of my brain, and barely visible layers are being taken off by a see-through robot character. A sense of relief and accomplishment comes with this imagination.
Denial is how I've survived around abusive or dishonest people. I never confront. I've used this my whole life, since children use this to survive parents who they depend on. I did. I'm still using this, as it's how I handle Ghetto Guy at work.
And as I sit here imagining him or my own mother, I use it to avoid and deny the fear which comes when around them. I said I never confront. Something inside me said "it's not safe". Fear is trying to "protect" me. I'm losing words now. Unsure why.
I want to be FREE!
