Perfect Girlfriend Journal

[WildFlower]

Yeah, what happened to this journal? This is a very interesting title to me, tell me, what is going on right here, Wildflower ;-).

I'm still going . It just isn't a title, unlike others, which warrants regular updates. It's pretty 'samey' if you know what I mean.

It's definitely affecting me emotionally. Or at least something is affecting me emotionally. I've had this sense of longing for a girlfriend, tinged with a degree of loneliness. It isn't prominent, but it is there in the background and does reveal itself to me as an issue quite often during moments of solitude. I've grown to become envious of middle aged men with wives and children. Which is in contrast to a year ago when I felt envious of those who got sex more than I did. Contrary to how it may seem, I see this loneliness as a positive - it isn't a self pitying loneliness, but rather a loneliness designed to show me what are my priorities. Getting a deep, meaningful relationship has become one of several priorities in my life and I'm focused on achieving it. Rather than it being something I want to achieve in the future it's something I want to achieve now. This sense of urgency and impatience is what seems to be driving the longing.

I was out last night and a girl I've had sex with in the past was texting me wanting to tag along. I let her and we ended up alone kissing. I then got a text from another group of friends who had just got back into town from a gig they'd been to and they wanted to meet up. This girl was begging me to back to hers and fuck her (and boy does she fuck well) but I just wasn't interested. I was going through the motions kissing her; I was kissing her because I could, not because I wanted to or because it meant anything. So I had to make up an excuse and leave her. Being with my friends was more appealing to me than guaranteed sex. Such is my life. This wasn't the case on sex magnet, it's the change in priority the girlfriend sub has brought upon me (but baring in mind I chose to use the girlfriend sub precisely because I want a girlfriend the change in priorities was already under way before I started using it.)

I met an older guy - mid thirties - from Kuwait on the train back up from London, who, because of his age, felt obliged to offer me some wisdom. One of the things he said was 'you will not meet your future wife in a pub or club' which I thought was quite poignant. Work offers me very little in the way of chances to meet girls, and I don't plan on leaving that job anytime soon. So where am I to meet girlfriend material type girls if not at work, at the pubs, or at the clubs? There's the gym, there's yoga classes, there are friends of friends. Several girls have shown up in these areas recently, but it's far to early to say if they'll lead to anything.

I hope this post doesn't sound like I'm trying to methodically or analytically get a girlfriend - I'm not. For the most part I'm just living my life, whilst consciously remaining open and expectant for opportunities which may open doors to let the right girl into my life. I'll let you guys know if anything major happens anytime soon.