12-14-2018, 06:15 AM
I'm having a mix of both success with fear of success lately. Things have been rolling smoother than normal, but fears creep in under different guises, and I allow them since they're not "obvious".
I worked with my "healthier" trader yesterday afternoon. I moved some money, I had to make some changes, and things went smoothly. Also, 2 days ago I had applied for an account which I'd avoided a whole week with the other "mother figure" trader. I would not allow myself to move with the other trader--too many old feelings, similar to me working alongside my own mother. No way. It didn't happen.
But I had no major fears moving forward yesterday. We worked maybe an hour, then chatted a while. I'm unsure how long, but I was the one who noticed it was almost 8PM, and mentioned it to her. I'd gotten home just after 5.
Today is day one of a 4 day paid vacation. I'm off today and Monday, and........just realized fear is trying to be heard while I write. My "normal" thing is to stay in bed, doing nothing, which is ok for a short while. I notice fear is circling the fence, seeking an opportunity, speaking up (screaming actually), and just waiting. I've let it have its ways for many years, and it's seeking to reclaim territory.
When I thought of this bit of downtime I'd have days ago, I panicked slightly. What might I do? Why would I do (new) things?
I'm not kidding. Fear has run my life in many ways, and fears like these surfaced regularly. They just seem to feel both comfortable AND awkward to me now, at least at this moment.
I'm considering going down to the river and seeing what happens. Anything could happen. It was almost 2 years ago when I went down there and met a homeless man as I was walking. Talked to him for almost an hour. He chose to be homeless, and he'd ran a successful business for years locally until his family broke up. He was homeless since he was running from entanglements to pain. I found it sad mostly since.....well, I could identify. I'm glad I knew another man who'd been in the exact same spot 2 years earlier. He got out when he sobered up. He realized his fears were lying to him. He did make the change, but it wasn't without desires to return.
For myself, I'm facing old temptations to go back to hiding, to remaining alone. Fear screams "it's EASIER!!" Pain and fear make non-wanted stuff seem attractive. Done.
I'm going to shower, take a walk, and think on my feet for a while. Sitting in fear is NOT what will bring good things my way.
I did turn on ultrasonic USLM loops on 30 minutes ago. I need to get out.
I worked with my "healthier" trader yesterday afternoon. I moved some money, I had to make some changes, and things went smoothly. Also, 2 days ago I had applied for an account which I'd avoided a whole week with the other "mother figure" trader. I would not allow myself to move with the other trader--too many old feelings, similar to me working alongside my own mother. No way. It didn't happen.
But I had no major fears moving forward yesterday. We worked maybe an hour, then chatted a while. I'm unsure how long, but I was the one who noticed it was almost 8PM, and mentioned it to her. I'd gotten home just after 5.
Today is day one of a 4 day paid vacation. I'm off today and Monday, and........just realized fear is trying to be heard while I write. My "normal" thing is to stay in bed, doing nothing, which is ok for a short while. I notice fear is circling the fence, seeking an opportunity, speaking up (screaming actually), and just waiting. I've let it have its ways for many years, and it's seeking to reclaim territory.
When I thought of this bit of downtime I'd have days ago, I panicked slightly. What might I do? Why would I do (new) things?
I'm not kidding. Fear has run my life in many ways, and fears like these surfaced regularly. They just seem to feel both comfortable AND awkward to me now, at least at this moment.
I'm considering going down to the river and seeing what happens. Anything could happen. It was almost 2 years ago when I went down there and met a homeless man as I was walking. Talked to him for almost an hour. He chose to be homeless, and he'd ran a successful business for years locally until his family broke up. He was homeless since he was running from entanglements to pain. I found it sad mostly since.....well, I could identify. I'm glad I knew another man who'd been in the exact same spot 2 years earlier. He got out when he sobered up. He realized his fears were lying to him. He did make the change, but it wasn't without desires to return.
For myself, I'm facing old temptations to go back to hiding, to remaining alone. Fear screams "it's EASIER!!" Pain and fear make non-wanted stuff seem attractive. Done.
I'm going to shower, take a walk, and think on my feet for a while. Sitting in fear is NOT what will bring good things my way.
I did turn on ultrasonic USLM loops on 30 minutes ago. I need to get out.
I want to be FREE!
