USLM V3 Journal

[findingme]

This is getting into rule 4 territory, guys. And I'd like to point out that fear is never used that way. The higher self uses discomfort, not fear, to point the way.

Yeah. I brought Rule 4 stuff in. Will change it.

I read your response during my workday, and I can attest to the "discomfort, not fear" affect today.

After having an easy morning on the road alone, I returned to our shop to find my coworker working with 2 temps. Cool. But that's where cool ended for me.

I asked 2 questions trying to figure out what he was doing, and in both replies, he replied making me look and feel really stupid in front of the other guys. I intentionally left after a 3rd comment since he is an a*******. I did something I've never done at any time in my 3 years here. I left to walk the yard, to blow off steam. My feelings were hurt, I was angry, and I didn't want to play his a******** showdown game. I just felt hurt and angry. Reason: I'd given him some safe status in my mind when he began working here (AKA "expectations"), hoping he'd be caring and brotherly.

I was then given another pickup to do by the front office, so I went, even talking angrily to him out loud while driving, though the conversation was internal. A celebration barbeque was underway at our shop, and I didn't want to go back and possibly see him again.

I imagined me, him, or both of us would be fired if I spoke to who I'll call "ghetto guy" at the shop. I knew he'd left, and I didn't dodge the barbeque.

What I experienced: extreme discomfort and imagined panic if I played "helpless". So my old "reasons" for asking for help were gone. I didn't seek anybody out. I then realized (this is big) I wanted---oh, I was drawn toward playing the victim. But what occurred to me, my lightbulb moment, was me taking on the victim mindset is what is causing me problems. Why? Because playing victim is me quietly screaming for someone else to take responsibility for me. I read Greenduck's post about his mom playing that victim card on him........and I realized that I've been doing it.....on myself. I've done it countless times. I've done even though it doesn't feel good doing it. The sad eyes, dropped mouth and expression, or what is quite loud--me being very quiet around people who care about me.

It's fricken uncomfortable now. It's retreating. I do NOT want to have either a verbal confrontation or a physical one. Why? Oh s***........I've played that helpless card in showdowns, and got some of what I wanted, but not liking it or myself in the end.

I don't wish to be in a showdown. But the uncomfortableness is making me do SOMETHING. Something I don't normally do. Which is why it's so very uncomfortable.

Thank you for speaking up Shannon.