12-02-2018, 02:57 PM
I need some feedback on my behavior.
Shannon spoke about healing, and I felt safe enough to look at my life presently. I am sad right now, and wishing to know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm not sure if this is normal, or if I am causing myself more pain.
With my mom, I've purposely avoided her this week and weekend. While having Thanksgiving dinner with her, my brother, and his girlfriend, my mom made a comment which was not accurate, and it was pointed. She said (trying to keep me away from my brother's gf) "he's someone who'll never change. He's been like that for 20 years, and he'll never change". It was mean and hurtful, and it reminded me of when I introduced my mom to my last gf (now my ex-wife). I don't remember the exchange, but my ex does still, knowing my mom is not a nice person. She knows she's mean and trying to keep her sons to herself.
I realized days ago I'd be ashamed to introduce a gf to my mom in the future. It's also why I've had no desire to see her lately. She's still nursing bitterness from my niece's death, trying to control anything she can, bitterly.
And......I am being honest here, thinking I was mad at other females too. I thought I was mad at my ex. And even my daughter. No.
I am mad at my mom who hurts people and takes little responsibility for it. I was generalizing it to all other females for a while
On that note, I have not communicated anything about this to her. The truth is I don't wish to expose myself to her since she is relationally destructive and dishonest. I even wrote a letter to her while on E2 (though I typed it), but it still sits 10 feet away from me. I said I'd send it, but was afraid to.
Why am I afraid? I imagine she'll abandon me again, like when I was young. I needed her emotionally, and she could not and would not give of herself. Which is how all of us treat her now: she just doesn't want to be affected by people emotionally in her life. Which demands very short trips to see her. She just doesn't want to be vulnerable at all.
I am listening to USLM right now, but I began this post feeling sad, scared, and guilty for staying away from her. Why did I feel this way? Simply put, children think black and white, on and off, yes and no. My feelings have desired to "never" see her again. But.......USLM is working. It's not all or nothing. It's just not now.
Something I will mention, in regards to E3, is a desire to have some closure on issues or topics in relationships. One thing that is BIG in dysfunctional relationships is not communicating one's needs to the person in conflict---and from what I know--it's primarily a fear that they'll leave us. I've not lived with my mom for 26 years. But the unfinished business, the unasked questions, the lack of courage on my part, has caused me decades of suffering. (I had not planned this) but maybe that's the assertiveness I've spoken about. Dealing with issues between us I've needed to address, so healing inside me can happen. So I can be a man around my mom, not a boy.
I do ask this of you Shannon, if it's possible. Thank you for helping me open this up.
Shannon spoke about healing, and I felt safe enough to look at my life presently. I am sad right now, and wishing to know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm not sure if this is normal, or if I am causing myself more pain.
With my mom, I've purposely avoided her this week and weekend. While having Thanksgiving dinner with her, my brother, and his girlfriend, my mom made a comment which was not accurate, and it was pointed. She said (trying to keep me away from my brother's gf) "he's someone who'll never change. He's been like that for 20 years, and he'll never change". It was mean and hurtful, and it reminded me of when I introduced my mom to my last gf (now my ex-wife). I don't remember the exchange, but my ex does still, knowing my mom is not a nice person. She knows she's mean and trying to keep her sons to herself.
I realized days ago I'd be ashamed to introduce a gf to my mom in the future. It's also why I've had no desire to see her lately. She's still nursing bitterness from my niece's death, trying to control anything she can, bitterly.
And......I am being honest here, thinking I was mad at other females too. I thought I was mad at my ex. And even my daughter. No.
I am mad at my mom who hurts people and takes little responsibility for it. I was generalizing it to all other females for a while
On that note, I have not communicated anything about this to her. The truth is I don't wish to expose myself to her since she is relationally destructive and dishonest. I even wrote a letter to her while on E2 (though I typed it), but it still sits 10 feet away from me. I said I'd send it, but was afraid to.
Why am I afraid? I imagine she'll abandon me again, like when I was young. I needed her emotionally, and she could not and would not give of herself. Which is how all of us treat her now: she just doesn't want to be affected by people emotionally in her life. Which demands very short trips to see her. She just doesn't want to be vulnerable at all.
I am listening to USLM right now, but I began this post feeling sad, scared, and guilty for staying away from her. Why did I feel this way? Simply put, children think black and white, on and off, yes and no. My feelings have desired to "never" see her again. But.......USLM is working. It's not all or nothing. It's just not now.
Something I will mention, in regards to E3, is a desire to have some closure on issues or topics in relationships. One thing that is BIG in dysfunctional relationships is not communicating one's needs to the person in conflict---and from what I know--it's primarily a fear that they'll leave us. I've not lived with my mom for 26 years. But the unfinished business, the unasked questions, the lack of courage on my part, has caused me decades of suffering. (I had not planned this) but maybe that's the assertiveness I've spoken about. Dealing with issues between us I've needed to address, so healing inside me can happen. So I can be a man around my mom, not a boy.
I do ask this of you Shannon, if it's possible. Thank you for helping me open this up.
I want to be FREE!
