USLM V3 Journal

[findingme]

I sense a lot of doubt in your post.

Mat, can you explain what you see?

I was hit by your post while at work. I usually keep up a front around everyone, but I wondered if I was seeing things as they are. Very likely not. My normal strong fronts are feeling shaky, and even prone to collapse. I was scared and melancholy feeling all day. I don't feel confident, but my "normal" is not real reliable right now.

I've been like this the last two days, in fact. Been pasting old images onto all males around me, except when they engage me. My mind is trying to find old ground. I'll stop my bitch there.

One thing I have noticed, despite my inward instability, is 2 separate guys kind of watched out for me today. Can people sense this? I did work alone, so I was in my head all day. I do forget how much I emote nonverbally.

Also, the head boss stood near me in our morning meeting. I've labelled him as a mean NYer who should retire. But this morning, as I stood there before the meeting, I sensed he wanted to talk to me. I even thought I saw him trying to find words, but........ But emotions sometimes don't have words. He is the one who brought me in my position, and he trusts me, which I don't understand.

For every problem I've written about, now or in prior writings, I could find my fear reaction and expression. I also now keep expecting some outburst of tears.


And after writing all that, and during, I sat in doubt. Right now, my dominant mood is sadness. I feel shame about this, like I'm not strong, not competent, not capable. I feel inferior. I always try to hide this from others, here or IRL. Even when I say I'm crying here, shame holds onto it, so I .....try not to cry. I've reacted by trying not to feel all the emotion coming up. Which isn't normal for me.

This doesn't make sense to me, but I'm in the middle of it.