11-23-2018, 04:13 PM
Before listening to USLM:
I'm glad I'm home. I've finished my 2 day break, and old feelings have come up regularly today. The one I was stuck on most of the day was failure. I worked alone today, driving, and half my day I was in my head imagining my coworker berating me. I felt inadequate, constantly rejected, and when I returned to the shop I felt....like just lesser value. I am beating myself up just thinking of it now. I purposely have not started my loops yet since I still need to shower, but I am eating now. I made a dish yesterday I'll probably make more of in the future........as I like it. 3 ingredients, you just heat it to melt it and mix it, it's all fatty (Yay! Brainfood!), and it's something numerous picky eaters have enjoyed. It's having an affect on me, as my positive mood is returning. Also listening to Def Leppard on Pandora
_________________________________________________________________________
Turned on USLM hybrid after showering:
Became a little melancholy, or unwired, while I showered. I'd switched from Def Leppard to James Taylor before jumping in, and it encourages some introspection.
May I ask a question? (my normal response when seeking to know if I'm accepted)
Am I ok? I'm still afraid of being in a relationship with a woman.
I had about 3 situations pop up today (one actually happened yesterday), which both excite me and scare me. One I was flirting with, a cashier I'm attracted to, more for the actual relationship, not sex. I wasn't thinking sex while talking to her, so I freely talked when I saw her. I like her shape, so sex isn't off the table. I just get a vibe I could be myself around her. And....dominant. Maybe that's fear in me seeking that......as I am divorced from a woman who didn't share power much. Maybe when putting on a face for others. Still pisses me off.
The second actually happened yesterday. My brother brought a "friend" for Thanksgiving dinner, per my mom's words. Likely a FWB. She and I sat across from each other, my mom and brother on my sides, and I talked easily to her. She made a comment, right in the middle of a group laugh, that she could tell I was a bachelor. I don't think everyone caught it since they were laughing about something else, but she was reading me. I had a sexual attentiveness to her, but I broke eye contact with her every few minutes to not make my brother insecure while she talked to me. I am noticing myself more in social interactions.
The third is one I'd actually try for. She's a good girl with clear morals, though she's likely been there, done that, with whoever and whatever. A single woman with grown children, and she's vocalized to me and a few others that she "just wasn't getting married again." Workers hit on her constantly, and she handles herself very well.
But truthfully........I am realizing I've thought her above me emotionally and maturity-wise, for she misses nothing. It feels like fear in me. It's like part of me is trying to hang onto old beliefs about myself. Anything which will keep me "safe, and in control". That's fear-talk.
Another part of me says to myself "Help!! Get me out of this!"
So, today I felt a little discouraged. I read Shannon's experiences while on his breaks, others are reporting challenges too, and I'm grateful I see other's experiences to know this is normal.
I'm glad I'm home. I've finished my 2 day break, and old feelings have come up regularly today. The one I was stuck on most of the day was failure. I worked alone today, driving, and half my day I was in my head imagining my coworker berating me. I felt inadequate, constantly rejected, and when I returned to the shop I felt....like just lesser value. I am beating myself up just thinking of it now. I purposely have not started my loops yet since I still need to shower, but I am eating now. I made a dish yesterday I'll probably make more of in the future........as I like it. 3 ingredients, you just heat it to melt it and mix it, it's all fatty (Yay! Brainfood!), and it's something numerous picky eaters have enjoyed. It's having an affect on me, as my positive mood is returning. Also listening to Def Leppard on Pandora
_________________________________________________________________________
Turned on USLM hybrid after showering:
Became a little melancholy, or unwired, while I showered. I'd switched from Def Leppard to James Taylor before jumping in, and it encourages some introspection.
May I ask a question? (my normal response when seeking to know if I'm accepted)
Am I ok? I'm still afraid of being in a relationship with a woman.
I had about 3 situations pop up today (one actually happened yesterday), which both excite me and scare me. One I was flirting with, a cashier I'm attracted to, more for the actual relationship, not sex. I wasn't thinking sex while talking to her, so I freely talked when I saw her. I like her shape, so sex isn't off the table. I just get a vibe I could be myself around her. And....dominant. Maybe that's fear in me seeking that......as I am divorced from a woman who didn't share power much. Maybe when putting on a face for others. Still pisses me off.
The second actually happened yesterday. My brother brought a "friend" for Thanksgiving dinner, per my mom's words. Likely a FWB. She and I sat across from each other, my mom and brother on my sides, and I talked easily to her. She made a comment, right in the middle of a group laugh, that she could tell I was a bachelor. I don't think everyone caught it since they were laughing about something else, but she was reading me. I had a sexual attentiveness to her, but I broke eye contact with her every few minutes to not make my brother insecure while she talked to me. I am noticing myself more in social interactions.
The third is one I'd actually try for. She's a good girl with clear morals, though she's likely been there, done that, with whoever and whatever. A single woman with grown children, and she's vocalized to me and a few others that she "just wasn't getting married again." Workers hit on her constantly, and she handles herself very well.
But truthfully........I am realizing I've thought her above me emotionally and maturity-wise, for she misses nothing. It feels like fear in me. It's like part of me is trying to hang onto old beliefs about myself. Anything which will keep me "safe, and in control". That's fear-talk.
Another part of me says to myself "Help!! Get me out of this!"
So, today I felt a little discouraged. I read Shannon's experiences while on his breaks, others are reporting challenges too, and I'm grateful I see other's experiences to know this is normal.
I want to be FREE!
