10-28-2018, 06:53 AM
Long post. The fruit comes in the end. 
Measure taken to prevent overload. I had E2 running on US from when I got home Friday afternoon around 4 until I left for my friends yesterday around 3:30PM. I felt tired, having been up late Friday, but I've felt a sensation in my head. I've only noticed that when I've listened to subs for too long or too loud, so I intentionally did not run it last night while sleeping. I'll likely visit my mom today and didn't want to fubar it by being cross with her.
I'd also not run it since I desire some healing, which includes processing. I've been reading Shannon's journal and his statements of how we (I include myself) sabotage the subs working. Running E2 full-time (I hope) helps override resistance, but even in the instructions he says up to 21 hours per day, or up to one's limits. Work is my avenue for sub breaks, and even at work I only run it for 2-4 hours of my day. Feeling overloaded has never felt good, so I gave myself a needed break.
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I did resume it 30 minutes ago, for one reason. It encourages me to heal, to not be afraid of it, and I've felt some grief (and fear, simultaneously) since I'm being pushed to let go of some beliefs I'm not fully aware of. I'm just feeling something. I even turned on some music which makes me sad since it encourages me to let go. Even going to my Mom's house today has some feelings of sadness, anger, and release while thinking of her. I've held..........gawd.....to her for many unhealthy emotional reasons.... I'll go to her house, and.....wow...I'll just adopt her small worldview to have connection with her. And as soon as I leave, I say to myself "that's sad. Her lifestyle has never worked. Now, I have to live in the REAL world." I leave with sadness, some criticalness, and fear she'll never know my mind.
I've not been straight up with her since I don't agree with, or like, her alcohol induced world. I've been slowly speaking up to others lately. But with mom....? I've failed trying to change her, I've thought. I do know I'd definitely stir the waters. Maybe it's because I'm in her domain, with her rules. I'm in her territory.
I'm thinking of things I've done lately, like speaking up to my ex yesterday. Like standing up to my coworker who was constantly critiquing me. Like asking a older coworker to hear me while feeling vulnerable with my daughter's choices.
I've blamed myself for my mom's choices. I've owned her responsibilities..... I felt responsible for her failing to make changes. That's it right there. I've blamed myself for her choices. Just like my ex identifies with our daughter's life and choices, I identified with my Mom's. Thus, lots of shame I've felt. Like when my mom lived and lives in repeated failings, I thought it was my failings. F***ed up. But I'm seeing, and saying, I've done this. My tools to handle this, most of my life, have been seeking pity, hoping someone would intervene. I had such hope for this. But that leaves all control in other's hands. How do I handle this now? That question has been on my mind throughout this writing, as I have a sense of power I've never had before. Tears came right after I wrote that, as "powerless" was my norm before. I'm challenged to let it go and grab something new in front of me.
I allow this change. I will make it through this. And I will seek some new change today. That change will be in ME.
Measure taken to prevent overload. I had E2 running on US from when I got home Friday afternoon around 4 until I left for my friends yesterday around 3:30PM. I felt tired, having been up late Friday, but I've felt a sensation in my head. I've only noticed that when I've listened to subs for too long or too loud, so I intentionally did not run it last night while sleeping. I'll likely visit my mom today and didn't want to fubar it by being cross with her.
I'd also not run it since I desire some healing, which includes processing. I've been reading Shannon's journal and his statements of how we (I include myself) sabotage the subs working. Running E2 full-time (I hope) helps override resistance, but even in the instructions he says up to 21 hours per day, or up to one's limits. Work is my avenue for sub breaks, and even at work I only run it for 2-4 hours of my day. Feeling overloaded has never felt good, so I gave myself a needed break.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I did resume it 30 minutes ago, for one reason. It encourages me to heal, to not be afraid of it, and I've felt some grief (and fear, simultaneously) since I'm being pushed to let go of some beliefs I'm not fully aware of. I'm just feeling something. I even turned on some music which makes me sad since it encourages me to let go. Even going to my Mom's house today has some feelings of sadness, anger, and release while thinking of her. I've held..........gawd.....to her for many unhealthy emotional reasons.... I'll go to her house, and.....wow...I'll just adopt her small worldview to have connection with her. And as soon as I leave, I say to myself "that's sad. Her lifestyle has never worked. Now, I have to live in the REAL world." I leave with sadness, some criticalness, and fear she'll never know my mind.
I've not been straight up with her since I don't agree with, or like, her alcohol induced world. I've been slowly speaking up to others lately. But with mom....? I've failed trying to change her, I've thought. I do know I'd definitely stir the waters. Maybe it's because I'm in her domain, with her rules. I'm in her territory.
I'm thinking of things I've done lately, like speaking up to my ex yesterday. Like standing up to my coworker who was constantly critiquing me. Like asking a older coworker to hear me while feeling vulnerable with my daughter's choices.
I've blamed myself for my mom's choices. I've owned her responsibilities..... I felt responsible for her failing to make changes. That's it right there. I've blamed myself for her choices. Just like my ex identifies with our daughter's life and choices, I identified with my Mom's. Thus, lots of shame I've felt. Like when my mom lived and lives in repeated failings, I thought it was my failings. F***ed up. But I'm seeing, and saying, I've done this. My tools to handle this, most of my life, have been seeking pity, hoping someone would intervene. I had such hope for this. But that leaves all control in other's hands. How do I handle this now? That question has been on my mind throughout this writing, as I have a sense of power I've never had before. Tears came right after I wrote that, as "powerless" was my norm before. I'm challenged to let it go and grab something new in front of me.
I allow this change. I will make it through this. And I will seek some new change today. That change will be in ME.
I want to be FREE!
