Findingme's E2 journal

[findingme]

I have found that the highest volume on a cell phone is usually so high that it triggers resistance in resistant types. Most such people respond best to a volume between 7 and 12 on a cell phone with 15 volume notches. Usually 12 wins for the people I have tested on for not triggering resistance, while giving enough motivation.

I was browsing through USLM threads, and I found this. I'm wondering if this what's happened with me.

I listen to E2 on my phone at work, but the last 3 times or so, my mood would turn dark. Borderline mopey, and feeling maybe 25% of my feelings. Well, just feeling like s***.

Yesterday I ran E2 on my phone while working to see if the results would be the same, and they weren't. I felt good, stable, and motivated to keep running it.

The difference? I'd turned my volume down. I'd usually run it at about 80%. But yesterday, I thought I heard some crackling in the speaker when I began running it, so I turned it down to maybe 70%. I had no mood issues at all running it. And BTW, no volume signals/markers/niches show on my Galaxy.

[findingme]

Long post. The fruit comes in the end.

Measure taken to prevent overload. I had E2 running on US from when I got home Friday afternoon around 4 until I left for my friends yesterday around 3:30PM. I felt tired, having been up late Friday, but I've felt a sensation in my head. I've only noticed that when I've listened to subs for too long or too loud, so I intentionally did not run it last night while sleeping. I'll likely visit my mom today and didn't want to fubar it by being cross with her.

I'd also not run it since I desire some healing, which includes processing. I've been reading Shannon's journal and his statements of how we (I include myself) sabotage the subs working. Running E2 full-time (I hope) helps override resistance, but even in the instructions he says up to 21 hours per day, or up to one's limits. Work is my avenue for sub breaks, and even at work I only run it for 2-4 hours of my day. Feeling overloaded has never felt good, so I gave myself a needed break.
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I did resume it 30 minutes ago, for one reason. It encourages me to heal, to not be afraid of it, and I've felt some grief (and fear, simultaneously) since I'm being pushed to let go of some beliefs I'm not fully aware of. I'm just feeling something. I even turned on some music which makes me sad since it encourages me to let go. Even going to my Mom's house today has some feelings of sadness, anger, and release while thinking of her. I've held..........gawd.....to her for many unhealthy emotional reasons.... I'll go to her house, and.....wow...I'll just adopt her small worldview to have connection with her. And as soon as I leave, I say to myself "that's sad. Her lifestyle has never worked. Now, I have to live in the REAL world." I leave with sadness, some criticalness, and fear she'll never know my mind.

I've not been straight up with her since I don't agree with, or like, her alcohol induced world. I've been slowly speaking up to others lately. But with mom....? I've failed trying to change her, I've thought. I do know I'd definitely stir the waters. Maybe it's because I'm in her domain, with her rules. I'm in her territory.

I'm thinking of things I've done lately, like speaking up to my ex yesterday. Like standing up to my coworker who was constantly critiquing me. Like asking a older coworker to hear me while feeling vulnerable with my daughter's choices.

I've blamed myself for my mom's choices. I've owned her responsibilities..... I felt responsible for her failing to make changes. That's it right there. I've blamed myself for her choices. Just like my ex identifies with our daughter's life and choices, I identified with my Mom's. Thus, lots of shame I've felt. Like when my mom lived and lives in repeated failings, I thought it was my failings. F***ed up. But I'm seeing, and saying, I've done this. My tools to handle this, most of my life, have been seeking pity, hoping someone would intervene. I had such hope for this. But that leaves all control in other's hands. How do I handle this now? That question has been on my mind throughout this writing, as I have a sense of power I've never had before. Tears came right after I wrote that, as "powerless" was my norm before. I'm challenged to let it go and grab something new in front of me.

I allow this change. I will make it through this. And I will seek some new change today. That change will be in ME.

[findingme]

I'm desiring to write in a new fashion. I'm going to just do it.

I came here today, feeling excitement over other's threads and writings, but a remembrance of pain and shame in my own thread. I've felt shame my whole life, and shame is the reason why my life became very small. But yesterday, after writing my whole thread, I put the intro line in, for I saw a root. Me seeing how my life had been buried due to me taking responsibliity for my mom was humongous. I wasn't angry, in tears, or really fearful. But I did skip out on seeing my mom. I wanted to be happy, and the way I act around my mom, I'd not have been happy with myself. I'd have sold out again, looking for affection and love expressed....but been disappointed. I didn't go.

For a moment I'm going to try to attach it to my relationships with women, for I've actually been thinking of a belief I've had around women. I think I've done the same with my mom. Fuck, this is embarrassing, but these "secrets" hurt more than help me.

A Jamaican woman works in my branch, and I've gotten the impression a couple of times she likes me. Today, I was told by my coworker that she was mad at me (he was joking), but she did want to see me since she'd not done so today. Both of us returned to see her before lunch. She shared she was taking some days off next week, and she looked at me and spoke in a sexy tone about what she'd be doing. She'd shared with me alone months back that vegging out in front of the TV is a highlight for her since so much is demanded of her at work. She needs "disconnect time". She didn't wish to say out loud "I'm not gonna do s***!", but I knew why she was holding back. She didn't want to broadcast it since she's given status now by the uppers.

But here's what I noticed in myself. While looking at her, my mindset flipped to me when I was new with my wife-to-be at the time, around 15 years ago. I felt like I wanted to own her and control her for my needs--sexual, social, anything and everything. Looking back, I see it was all about me. In a few seconds time while she spoke today, those same desires surfaced in me.

Now, I want to compare this to my relationship with my mom. I let her "own" me from my early teens on. I was submissive to her. I'd give her money. I'd shop for her. I'd listen to her. I made myself responsible for her since I wanted her love. That's why I always did those things. I just wanted her love. She never gave me love and a maturity I could lean on. It was fucking sick. What I think/know I did today was what I'd done with my wife: I turned the tables. I wanted my needs met now. Those needs still existed, and I'd found a person who I could "make" fill them for me. Thus, the controlling mindset and behavior.

I know it's not the glory post some write or have written, but I absolutely refuse to let my secrets own me anymore. Enough is enough!

I'll stop for now. This, too, is a big awareness of what I'm doing, and why.

[Zane]

I think ur will greatly benifit from FRM modules from USLM-5.5G and DMSI both.

Cause I am saying that cause ever since I have been using USLMax I have been doing that one thing out of ease which I always avoided due to laziness, exhaustion / deep fear... Meeting my friends...

You are gonna benifit from it too.. Complete ur E2 run. Recognize ur problems and then use USLMax to overcome those problems successfully.

[findingme]

Thank you Zane!

I was afraid of being rejected for admitting this.

[findingme]

Speaking of DMSI, I believe I had some TID last night for it.

First off, I'd replied in Shannon's journal yesterday how I'd been strongly motivated to join an online company while running 3.2. My goal, looking back now, was to make myself attractive. I sat with this last night. It was just so damn easy, feeling motivated and goal oriented.

I began flashing back to conversations and encounters I'd had with different women while on 3.2. I'd been scared many times when around them. Reason: I normally play the "nice guy", not seeking women out sexually. Knowing I was airing a sexual presence frightened me then......but last night fear didn't run my thoughts even while remembering talking to them.

But my first thought, the whole "goal focus" thing, really revved me up. I'd not even been thinking of 3.3 until last night. I'd also liked the anti-fap and anti-porn measures taken in 3.2. Even just thinking about it felt right.

[findingme]

I'm wondering "can one have TID for USLM?"

I'm asking since I've had an awareness shift today. Like I wanted to get home today, so I could see what I've been formulating over the last weeks, though it's all been in my head. I tried to dismiss it from awareness so I could focus at work, but it persisted. I realized this while with my coworker sometime after lunch, for I see now I stuff my ideas and creative streaks a lot since......well, I'm afraid of my boss. I've given him power in my mind........ Damn, I just realized I treat him exactly like I've done with my mom and ex-wife: I give, expecting some returned expression of love. Money is not my real reason I work there, as the male relationships have meant more to me. And the head boss actually requested me for my position, and I took it as a "possibility" I'd be loved, if this makes sense.

Anyway, I've stuffed a lot of ideas and thoughts to (hopefully) gain his love and appreciation--I was looking for "my place" where I could.........fix something or someone so I might be loved. I've "waited" on it, exactly like I've done with others. Even writing that......felt weird, not good for me, and not best for anyone. I'm "anyone".


I thought I'd write about TID, but obviously my relationships are on my mind. I'm listening to E2 too though. It finds my internal conflicts. I've feared success in the online business world since, in my emotional state, I feared me abandoning my coworkers and workplace. And I greatly feared feeling my own abandonment pain by turning away people I'd begun to trust.

And now, I feel some grief in my chest and throat. Why? I am having a woman trade for me, I'm gaining steadily, and my mind has been formulating investing profits into different business ideas. I look forward to this.

The grief is a "knowing", a mature understanding seeing me outside my sick understandings (things I cling to), seeing me freer than I see myself right now. I am PERFECTLY ok with this. I even think it's the "pulling myself into the future" which E2 does.

It seems.....there really is a time for everything under the sun. Even change, for me.

[findingme]

E2 is successfully battling my victim mindset, as I've been moving steadily closer to taking action in many areas of my life. I'm taking responsibility for my financial moves outside of my job, and I'm not feeling as helpless when thinking of my mom either. For example, she texted me 3 times last night, but after a small internal battle, I simply ignored them. I read them this morning, but haven't replied.

Regarding that, I'm in a new spot. Not terrified of abandonment at this moment, nor hung by guilt. I'm not completely detached either. I just don't feel owned

I lived for her before. It was messed up training. I can re-train myself, and like Yoda said, I must "unlearn" some things. I am enjoying this.
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I came on this morning, PMing a member about my next steps. I shared it was a freewriting experiment, and I modeled Mat422's morning writing style where I just spit it out and didn't critique it.

My wondering: DMSI or USLM next? The FRM is what (will be) in both, and I've had positive experiences on DMSI. I'd do it for the amped up module affecting negative attitudes or judgments towards women, and I'd like to rectify this. Sex would be nice, but my present fears about being hurt by one have had me just not looking for their attention. I knew fear would surface, so I've been rather unconfident around attractive women. So, me imagining failure is why I've not sought their attention.

Also, the undeniable motivation I felt on 3.2 is sought again. A plus for the FRM is that I joined a company using 3.2, but constantly had fears of failing. I've not used USLM yet, so I'm unsure how much I'll be motivated. ---wow, I just saw myself dismissing USLM due to fearing success!

So, those are some of my major reasons I'm thinking of this.
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Sidenote: I realized the FRM module could be put in UD this morning. Breaking through hidden lifelong holds without fears hanging on due to lots of unknowns. It's just imagined, but I felt a real internal peace with myself while on my UD run. Who knows? One day, maybe. Shannon's loaded now with work. But one day it might be put in.

[Zane]

As I said before.. You need USLM-5.5G. Who doesn't like Success. You will love it..

[findingme]

A discovery and a dream.

The dream first. I was at work, but I was trying to dodge attention since something was new. Some personal transporters were being used (all futuristic), and I was doing what is normal here--following the mad rush since training and followup is very scarce.

I realized I had been in charge of some group, and the boss was looking for me. I attempted to look competent, learning by watching, but the boss needed to shove his frustration out on someone else. I was the target. He began blowing up on me--he has little emotional control--working himself into a frenzy. I had to raise my voice above his to be heard. I yelled out something like "I WASN'T TOLD ANYTHING!" while all these transporters were zipping around us. He was still worked up and panicked, and I said it again just as loud. He stopped, though everything else didn't. He always looks to fire someone/blame someone else for his own incompetence. I awoke knowing this is like many days with him, for he always seems to throw someone under the bus instead of claiming some responsibility for issues.

The dream was very significant, mostly since I never have dreams on subs. I'd run OGSF 5G last night to test my findings, and I was right. I've been playing subs too loud. I played this on ultrasonic, which Shannon says is much more stressful since it's scripted like a military march. I'd resisted this when I picked it up in early 2017, as it was my first IML sub. I assumed it was due to the scripting. I learned last night it was my volume. I had and have no resistance with it still running now.
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The discovery

I stayed home yesterday, running E2 on ultrasonic. But I felt my gut was locked up, a sign that I was overloaded, or I was resisting. About midday, I did something I'd done months back, and it was a relief then. I put OGSF (masked), and I'd had a good cry, letting out built up stress. I put OGSF on ultrasonic yesterday for about 2 hours. I felt it affecting me, but I had no cry. But some tension had left.

I did have to go to my bank, and I had to go inside. I felt relaxed and relieved, even starting a conversation with a teller. Even a guy next to us joined in. I'd been thinking of Starcut's ASC thread, and I felt competent and relaxed. I didn't fully realize this until I came back home. Wow.

I ran E2 on US through the early evening, and I decided to go to bed early. Since I'd felt good, I turned OGSF back on, but this time on masked TS. I knew it was too loud at 50%, but wondered how it'd feel, so I left it for 10 minutes. I then turned it to my normal volume on VLC of 45%, and left it. Still too loud. It was unsettling. I turned it to 40%. Perfect. Audible, but not intrusive.

This is where I wondered if running it on ultrasonic would be just as calming. The TS was keeping me awake, so I got up and turned it to ultrasonic at 40%. This was my test, and it worked much more effectively than expected. I haven't remembered a dream in ages. DMSI was the last clear dream, and that was in April of this year. I've been using IML subs since January of 2017, and I've had maybe 3 dreams.

But more importantly is the volume level. I've felt resistance to some level on many IML subs, but I've been indirect or silent about it. Some whine all day about resistance, and that feels shameful to me since responsibility is put on someone else (Shannon) who patiently takes it. I haven't wanted to earn that badge of "help me! Nothing works" So, I tried something. I found a solution, and I'm glad I did. I'll run E2 at 40% tonight.

[findingme]

I've run E2 at 40% on ultrasonic the last 2 nights. No dreams, but something is stirring. I turned it on at work today, and I was quite focused and unfearful. Tonight I went to my friend's house to play our game, and I turned it on while in my pocket. I turned it on because I was tired and concerned about being moody. My mood flipped nicely, and I wasn't short at all. Nice.

I did talk with my former sponsor about my goals tonight, and I realized I'm unsure exactly where I want to go externally. I'm thinking about relationships, but fears of me hiding me have been on my mind. What I truly want internally I experienced on UD, and that was a consistent honesty with myself. I am still not relaxed or confident with me placating anyone or everyone else, since it hides me from myself. E2 just brushes the edge of it, it takes some emotional focus, and I experienced this while talking tonight. However, I got pretty frustrated seeking my truth constantly, for it kept trying to run and hide, and it did regularly as I got talking. And from my memory banks, UD was like OGSF on steroids; no fear, just truth. And nothing but the truth. Living without lying to myself made life much easier

Lastly, I actually heard something tonight from my former sponsor. I shared how I'd noticed less results and achievement of a sub's goals when I forfeited it by quitting sooner than 90 days. His eyes widened, and he brought up something I've heard in various 12 step groups. In AA, new people are strongly encouraged to do "90 in 90", meaning 90 meetings in 90 days. For the experience, I've done it, and it feels good knowing I'm going to a safe and familiar meeting each and every day. It actually is enjoyable after a week or so knowing I'm not alone, and never need to be. He's in NA, and even the chips denoting clean time achieved are in 30 days, 90 days, 6 months, and a year. He said there's a reason the chips are in 3 month stretches (less the 30 day). He said "it's because they know it works". Something changes in the brain after such time periods, and it should be celebrated. This was motivating to me, for I've passed 90 days. I've just not committed to a completion time yet. Reason? Fear. The fear is that I'll be stuck in my pain. Avoiding committing ........is just me avoiding that fear. Fear is making me avoid fear? That doesn't sound right. But my feelings say that.

[findingme]

I saw my mom yesterday.

My thoughts are changing, and I'm ready for this. I'm in between desiring a closeness with her, a healed relationship, and being resentful at her. The issue is that my resentments carry nothing but pain for me. Maybe some old wounds in me are healing. I also am becoming aware how I can heal myself and relationships through my own choices. I made small changes yesterday which are reverberating in me today.

Yesterday was pretty relaxing, moreso since I was honest with her, and she with me. I'd never told her about my daughter attempting suicide weeks back, and I did yesterday. That's what opened our conversation, for she raised my niece, and my niece had tried to end her life too. It was relaxing since my mom knew her own self doubt and failings once seeing that with my niece, I picked up it still affected her, and she made no attempts at all to fix someone or something while I was there. To clarify, I've often been angry and defensive when she's tried to dismiss or fix my feelings. But she was unusually reserved, but also unusually honest. I relaxed knowing I could feel my own feelings, and she owned hers as well. The common fronts weren't there, and it was safe.

We talked about my daughter and my ex, and she ended up talking about other family members she's been struggling with, which are her children. I wasn't in a blaming or judgmental spot, and she picked that up. When I considered being judgmental in my mind, it felt hurtful to her and painful to me, so I rejected it. It was like "pain or peace?" I chose peace, and it came back nicely throughout our time together.

Something I'll admit to, since I'm changing, is that I had to look for resentments in my mind. I normally carry them easily. Looking back, I didn't WANT my resentments yesterday, or even memories of them. My resentments were always chosen by me to hurt her. I was no victim of them. I chose them. But yesterday......... I didn't want to carry that yuck. Why? I make pain for myself. I deserve better. I need better. I want better. I DID better.

This really happened. Even while writing, old habits of denying this tried to step in. But my ground floor is being revamped, and denial found nothing to hold on to. That's recovery. That's healing.

I'm still accepting this. This happened, and I helped create it. I wasn't powerless....over myself ( )

[findingme]

About to head out to work. I'm writing, to know I'm not alone. While showering this morning, some things clicked regarding my male relationships. I didn't meet my dad until I was 17.

Regarding E2, I didn't want this, didn't seek this. But it's beginning to go there. My feelings of not having or knowing a father. And what I've felt about myself through the years. Made me weepy.

Anger is easy, but this is grief. One part of grief is anger though.

Later.

[findingme]

I can't be the only one who has a full day and then wants to bury it/not remember it/lie to themselves about it. I've been in that mindset this afternoon, still trying to run from it.

To cut to the point, I wasn't relieved today listening to E2 on my phone. I'd had some childhood feelings for a father this morning, I worked with the driver I've had emotional trouble around (he's hostile and unavailable), and what is happening?

That last question came up since emotions have been hiding away a bit today, but working with a mean and unavailable man all day affected me. However, I was different than in months past. Today, I asked 2 questions early in our day, and he answered quickly and disgustedly like I "should" know. I realized I'd hoped he'd not be an a**hole today, I was wrong, so I didn't ask him much more the rest of the day. F*** him! I got "punished" for asking a question. sdf asdfsdfsdlfl;skdjfl;kjsdfl;kjlkdsjf a**hole!

In months past, I'd have felt angry then tried to stuff it, and kept attempting distraction, making me confused but hostile myself. Today, I got mad, but nothing like in months past. I was offended, but I didn't let him own me. He's always been an a**hole, to me and many others. But I couldn't/didn't stay in that mindset. I'd had a good morning at work starting out, and I stayed in my memory and imagination, steering clear of more emotional violence.

I just felt I got mad while writing since I see my own dad as being completely unavailable. He was. And to me, in my thinking, he is. Me working with the guy today......was very, very coincidental. Really? I go to work, feeling "just" aware of an old wound, and I work with "him". Very unusual.

I'm not being full of s*** now. Something feels right now. This felt like.....a good day. I went to work hoping to avoid thinking and feelings of my dad. I worked with "him", but.......I saw and enjoyed young children today. I waved at 2 different kids, and they waved back. I wasn't owned by hate and rage. And I connected, in my head, with very young children. One boy, maybe 4 years old, began following our truck near the end of our day. I'm on the back of a garbage truck, and he left his parents and siblings to follow us on his skateboard. I knew he'd have to turn back soon, but he kept following. We stopped for a pickup, and I walked towards him, not wanting to scare him. I said simply and calmly "you need to go back to your parents". He turned around immediately, which I hadn't expected. His father had noticed he was missing, and was walking down the road already. His 3 sisters (?) had just been watching him, but they were about the same age.

My driver had come back to help me with the load, and I told him the kid was cute, but it was dangerous, since it was. I shared I'd been with another driver who'd not been so nice to a kid following our truck before. I felt good I'd not "punished" the child with words. (that made me cry)


I'm affected now. I am an adult, but emotionally, I feel like a young child. So be it.