08-08-2018, 02:49 AM
I am feeling a bit down, it is more of an effort to do what I was doing before, even just having a shower in the morning I feel like "arrrghhh I got to have a shower first"... kind of annoyed feeling. I have made myself do things, but I did miss my strength training session yesterday, but I have kinda convinced myself that it is ok because I pulled a muscle in my back and I did want to ease into certain type of training so i don't burn out.
I been having thoughts that I don't actually want to work, which are really hard to argue with, or convince otherwise because I do understand why lol. I seriously don't know if it is just the work I am thinking of doing in that particular moment that makes me feel that way though, but then I do my best to think different and try to think of positive reasons why it is good to work, for example be able to earn my own money, feel more self sufficient.
If I got a full-time job there is a possibility that I could move out of my parents house and rent a place of my own. There is negatives to that though, like having to work full-time, giving money to a landlord just for a temporary bit of space. The positives.... I would have the peace of mind of living in my own space and I could bring girlfriends around without them having to meet my parents every time. I would feel like I am living in my own life instead of living in my parents life.
The negatives of working full-time is that I might feel trapped, and end up feeling depressed of slaving away doing something I don't want to do.
The positives of working part-time are that I will have balance of working and free time, Ill still be earning money to feel self sufficient, whilst I could be working on something in my spare time that would be more interesting, and have more time to study. But will mean I wont be able to move out.
I have even been questioning my hobbies like Krav and asking is the monthly money worth spending on this? I just don't want to wast money and would rather spending money productively, preferably to make more money. I do enjoy Krav and it does get me out of the house and make me happy in multiple ways though, its the only thing I have that actually makes me happy. I am hard to please, I am not easily excited, I have high standards, strict preferences.
Most of my life I have been searching for something that gets my juices flowing, but without success.
You know last year, I went sky diving and I heard it was meant to give you a "buzz" and it is meant to be something that gets your adrenaline going...blah blah blah.
I thought it was boring, it did not give me a buzz, I did nothing for me! I saw people landing all ecstatic, I just thought they we just all over the top and easily pleased.
I am just expressing my can of knotted, twisted worms. Things are not as simple as just getting a job and that is it. There are consequences to every action I take and I would rather have a different result than the ones of the past.
What makes it more challenging is that I have lived and been brought up in a very nice place, so this is my default standard of living....when I go out I have to start at the bottom, which is very weird when your standard default is not at the bottom. You know compared to someone starting at the bottom ( upbringing, parents house etc) and then moving out and then.....moving up! this way is a natural progression! If anything there "bottom" made them want the "higher" even more which lead to there success.
My parents told me a while ago, they built this empire for all of us to enjoy, I said to them...this is your empire, not mine. This will always be yours and I am in your empire not mine, I do not have an empire, I have nothing. They never saw it like that and my mother said it must be hard for you to go from all this to then going "out there" and starting at the bottom.
I was like yeah, you think.
Obviously my parents did what they did and I have accepted that and I wouldn't change my upbringing or anything as I wouldn't be who I am now. But I have always thought, if only they had in mind to make there kids independent and to urge them to create their own individual empires, instead of building an empire for them to share.
I don't know if it is worse with me because of my personality type, but I don't want to be like anyone else, I don't want to share, I want my own unique design, otherwise what is the point of being a individual human being in this life in the first place.
Anyway I am alright, just got to vent this stuff out, because this is the kind of stuff this subliminal has got to work though for me to Succeed.
Oh by the way, 7 loops is really heavy on my mind, but it is not one of those I can "sleep off", even though I would love to. I have tried napping but can't sleep.
I sleep fine at night though when I listen. The ones that are sticking with one loop are lucky before they even start! lol.
I been having thoughts that I don't actually want to work, which are really hard to argue with, or convince otherwise because I do understand why lol. I seriously don't know if it is just the work I am thinking of doing in that particular moment that makes me feel that way though, but then I do my best to think different and try to think of positive reasons why it is good to work, for example be able to earn my own money, feel more self sufficient.
If I got a full-time job there is a possibility that I could move out of my parents house and rent a place of my own. There is negatives to that though, like having to work full-time, giving money to a landlord just for a temporary bit of space. The positives.... I would have the peace of mind of living in my own space and I could bring girlfriends around without them having to meet my parents every time. I would feel like I am living in my own life instead of living in my parents life.
The negatives of working full-time is that I might feel trapped, and end up feeling depressed of slaving away doing something I don't want to do.
The positives of working part-time are that I will have balance of working and free time, Ill still be earning money to feel self sufficient, whilst I could be working on something in my spare time that would be more interesting, and have more time to study. But will mean I wont be able to move out.
I have even been questioning my hobbies like Krav and asking is the monthly money worth spending on this? I just don't want to wast money and would rather spending money productively, preferably to make more money. I do enjoy Krav and it does get me out of the house and make me happy in multiple ways though, its the only thing I have that actually makes me happy. I am hard to please, I am not easily excited, I have high standards, strict preferences.
Most of my life I have been searching for something that gets my juices flowing, but without success.
You know last year, I went sky diving and I heard it was meant to give you a "buzz" and it is meant to be something that gets your adrenaline going...blah blah blah.
I thought it was boring, it did not give me a buzz, I did nothing for me! I saw people landing all ecstatic, I just thought they we just all over the top and easily pleased.
I am just expressing my can of knotted, twisted worms. Things are not as simple as just getting a job and that is it. There are consequences to every action I take and I would rather have a different result than the ones of the past.
What makes it more challenging is that I have lived and been brought up in a very nice place, so this is my default standard of living....when I go out I have to start at the bottom, which is very weird when your standard default is not at the bottom. You know compared to someone starting at the bottom ( upbringing, parents house etc) and then moving out and then.....moving up! this way is a natural progression! If anything there "bottom" made them want the "higher" even more which lead to there success.
My parents told me a while ago, they built this empire for all of us to enjoy, I said to them...this is your empire, not mine. This will always be yours and I am in your empire not mine, I do not have an empire, I have nothing. They never saw it like that and my mother said it must be hard for you to go from all this to then going "out there" and starting at the bottom.
I was like yeah, you think.
Obviously my parents did what they did and I have accepted that and I wouldn't change my upbringing or anything as I wouldn't be who I am now. But I have always thought, if only they had in mind to make there kids independent and to urge them to create their own individual empires, instead of building an empire for them to share.
I don't know if it is worse with me because of my personality type, but I don't want to be like anyone else, I don't want to share, I want my own unique design, otherwise what is the point of being a individual human being in this life in the first place.
Anyway I am alright, just got to vent this stuff out, because this is the kind of stuff this subliminal has got to work though for me to Succeed.
Oh by the way, 7 loops is really heavy on my mind, but it is not one of those I can "sleep off", even though I would love to. I have tried napping but can't sleep.
I sleep fine at night though when I listen. The ones that are sticking with one loop are lucky before they even start! lol.
