07-31-2018, 05:50 PM
Update:
I was home today, and I didn't go out. I'm feeling guilty having run a bit of OGSF 5G since I've been thinking "something may make me feel better". I felt like s*** having felt and remembered old ties to my brother this morning. Even while writing that last sentence I was aware I've habitually and repeatedly buried any feelings or memories associated with him. For I loved him. He (used to be) my protector. And I valued that greatly. I depended on him. When he suddenly left in my early teens, I was and still am left not knowing how to feel and process these feelings. Hell, I even came here thinking I'd share the good of OGSF, to avoid dealing with this. That event runs my life. Either I hide to stay safe here at home, or I try/want to "hide" with other coworkers at work, me making some brother figures for myself. I've written of some before in other journals.
But that norm runs my life. Yesterday I felt used by a selfish coworker, and while running OGSF earlier, I got a bit mad. I just felt used. So, not knowing how to actually handle it yesterday, I kept quiet, even staying home today to distance myself from that emotion. Feeling used sucks bad. The guy's a total negative nanny guy, he lives like life mistreats him, so he mistreats others like he treats himself.
But.....I didn't say anything. My cycle is:
Hurt.
Hide.
Hurt.
Hide.
I turned UD on 10 minutes ago, with mixed reasons. Fear of being corrected here. Fear I'd miss what UD opened up. Yeah........I don't wish to walk into pain (stuck pain, actually), but my only comparison happened 20 minutes ago. While running OGSF on trickling stream, I began crying. I even tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. So, I let it out. Only a minute or two, but something needed to come out. I've been on UD a few weeks so far, and no tears have come. I've felt sad, but it scared me thinking I'd cry endlessly and I didn't express it. So, I've been blaming myself for this. Maybe me staying home was also tied to me hurting (blaming) me. For staying in hurt drains me.
I'm a little angry at myself. I would write more, but me hurting me........hurts worse. I don't have a definite plan. I'm thinking I should. But sub jumping, when I see others do it, frustrates me. It says they're unpredictable or not sure of themselves. I've not wanted to wear that shame. But this is where I'm at.
I came onto UD to FEEL. Still waiting :@
I was home today, and I didn't go out. I'm feeling guilty having run a bit of OGSF 5G since I've been thinking "something may make me feel better". I felt like s*** having felt and remembered old ties to my brother this morning. Even while writing that last sentence I was aware I've habitually and repeatedly buried any feelings or memories associated with him. For I loved him. He (used to be) my protector. And I valued that greatly. I depended on him. When he suddenly left in my early teens, I was and still am left not knowing how to feel and process these feelings. Hell, I even came here thinking I'd share the good of OGSF, to avoid dealing with this. That event runs my life. Either I hide to stay safe here at home, or I try/want to "hide" with other coworkers at work, me making some brother figures for myself. I've written of some before in other journals.
But that norm runs my life. Yesterday I felt used by a selfish coworker, and while running OGSF earlier, I got a bit mad. I just felt used. So, not knowing how to actually handle it yesterday, I kept quiet, even staying home today to distance myself from that emotion. Feeling used sucks bad. The guy's a total negative nanny guy, he lives like life mistreats him, so he mistreats others like he treats himself.
But.....I didn't say anything. My cycle is:
Hurt.
Hide.
Hurt.
Hide.
I turned UD on 10 minutes ago, with mixed reasons. Fear of being corrected here. Fear I'd miss what UD opened up. Yeah........I don't wish to walk into pain (stuck pain, actually), but my only comparison happened 20 minutes ago. While running OGSF on trickling stream, I began crying. I even tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. So, I let it out. Only a minute or two, but something needed to come out. I've been on UD a few weeks so far, and no tears have come. I've felt sad, but it scared me thinking I'd cry endlessly and I didn't express it. So, I've been blaming myself for this. Maybe me staying home was also tied to me hurting (blaming) me. For staying in hurt drains me.
I'm a little angry at myself. I would write more, but me hurting me........hurts worse. I don't have a definite plan. I'm thinking I should. But sub jumping, when I see others do it, frustrates me. It says they're unpredictable or not sure of themselves. I've not wanted to wear that shame. But this is where I'm at.
I came onto UD to FEEL. Still waiting :@
I want to be FREE!
