Expanding My Universe (Universal Healing 5.8g)

[Benjamin]

So there seems to be alot to deal with still, and alot of that is due to dealing with some physical issues in the last 4 or so years that I won't name here but it pretty much destroyed me physically, mentally, emotionally.

I've grown alot from it and am relatively okay physically now, energy to function better and such.. but I realized there's trauma around some intense symptoms I had that is holding me back, there seems to be a belief like "If I really go out into the world and succeed this might happen again and destroy everything".

In saying that I now have more friends than I have in years, i'm doing more things than I have in years even before the intense physical stuff I started with - Martial Arts, A mens group, Toastmasters, involved in a few other things locally.

There's also trauma around girls and sex from around the same time too due to a few things that expanded upon my fears in that area and made me unable to succeed with that like I used to. So much so that I was doing something that would consistently manifest girls to have sex with in the past and it did little. Which leads me to the realization I had.

A few nights ago at our mens group we did a Joe Dispenza meditation, it gets you to look from the outside at your issues. I went off script and stopped following the meditation as it triggered alot of realizations I had to go home and explore. I went home and analyzed UH vs UMS v2 vs Other things.

I started maybe a month ago another program around masculinity that i'd wanted to try, I did get some interesting results...

But.. looking from the outside.

I was back into my old pattern of not giving a fuck about much else other than girls, sex and working out which was exactly the pattern I was in before I had the physical thing I was dealing with come up.. the exact same pattern that I realized at a deeper level these physical issues come up to tell me to STOP that pattern. I had no choice but to listen because of how impacted I was.

And now being much healthier and stronger in myself, mentally, physically, emotionally more than before all this even...

I went back to the same fucking pattern.. since it's been so long being with anyone.

But the masculinity program, becoming more 'Alpha' right now I realized is like a bandaid.. like I mostly wanted it to get some sex, and also build more of a physique as I lost alot of that and am slowly building up again.. but also that's mostly related to.. wanting to get sex. Basically again to cover up other issues. I realized say I started getting sex with the girls I really wanted, and my physique was ideal.. would I be happy? I'd be happier yes, but these deeper issues wouldn't be solved and i'd be using the sex to cover them up and escape what I need to take responsibility for but have struggled to.

UMS v2 could more directly help me with one part of what I really need money for.. but would likely not deal with the deep fear that connects to my first priority that also connects to why I need that money, but UMS v2 would likely not actually deal with that. (Also related to abandonment, I know i'm speaking around it a bit but I don't want to reveal as much as in the past in journals).

So UH stacked up in the reasons I listed much more than UMS v2 and other things I was considering.

-To be in better shape, look better.
-To find girls for sex again.
-Find an attractive girlfriend.

Thes above made the bottom of the list, though emotionally I WANT those the most, I don't NEED them the most right now.

The top of the list was...

-Deal with abandonment issues at a deeper level.
-More independence.
-Trauma around the physical issues.
-Trauma stopping me engaging with life as much as i'd like. (Though honestly i'm doing that more now than before the physical issues due to the deep work I did during it, but still now how i'd like).
-Stop being a fucking slave! To pussy, to girls, to all the things and people i'm dependent on unneccessarily.

Looking from the outside as if I was giving myself advice, the advice was "I know it sucks to have to work on healing more, but for now forget about girls, sex and money because those things are being used as a bandaid for this other shit" and as I seen the trauma picked up has prevented me from being able to succeed with girls as I did in the past.. and I can say i've slept with more girls than anyone I know when I was younger.

To put it in perspective, not to brag but to show what effect this 'trauma/whatever' is having.. i've slept with over 50 girls (I stopped counting, a bit higher than that but not heaps higher) in my life.. and now i'm literally unable to find anyone to have sex with or date, i'm comfortable socially but when it's attractive girls that I want to go for then I kind of shutdown, scared to make a move, scared to talk to them. Sometimes I will and it will flow then only to shut down after that, even if it's being served in shops.. like alot of the time a more 'freeze' response.

And this is coming from someone who now has more friends than he's had in years, can now hold himself comfortably socially in groups much more than in the past, does public speaking.. sometimes on controversial subjects that have upset half of the group and also in the street on a loud speaker and being comfortable with that.

But then talking to an attractive girl and asking her out. Fuck no.

I also do Martial Arts training where we get into scenarios, fucking yell and scream at and abuse each other, grab each other by the shirts and push each other around to learn to deal with the fear (OF v3 helped me get back to this), put mouthguards in and get my friend to try to hit me hard with gloves on.. etc.

But one fucking innocent, small woman who is of no threat to me physically.. go over and talk to her or ask her out. Fuck no.

Ok i've got too much into that topic, which also directly goes into my old pattern. So my other big goal is to be able to enjoy life again and forget about girls for a while, I was able to do this for a while at the peak intensity of my physical issues because of how I was impacted I was too fatigued and such to even have sex anyway so I was able to talk to girls without any expectation which funnily enough got several of them attracted to me.. but now I want to go for it that expectation is strongly there.

That was longer than I expected, I was meant to be going to bed early tonight but had the urge to finish this first.

Started 1/4/22 (First night).

Projected finish 1/2/23. Muscle testing suggested 10 months. I haven't done any program this long for years, the longest was WL6 for a year, i've struggled to do 6 months even. LTU 6 I was struggling, and OF v3 I stopped at 5. So I have to really remember why i'm doing this and the realizations that lead me to it.

Last night of listening 25/10/22.

Finished 26/10/22. Initially had planned 10 months, but muscle testing has consistently told me to stop after 7.

[CatMan]

Amazing post. I resonate so much with it too. Especially the part about masculinity/bandaid. Also the being a slave to women and other stuff, and fear around women in some regards which logically makes zero sense.

Excellent words, seems like already you're off to a good start and this sub is a great choice for you.

I wish you a transformative run, mate!

[Sky]

I like your post Benjamin! I think at the top of my list is to get a girlfriend since I've never had one. I don't know what else I want other than money, to be smart and good at studying to become a data scientist, and to have deep friendships with people I respect and love, but you know, I guess I'll have to run these subliminals forever to get results is sometimes what I feel like. Skepticism, enthusiasm about the new subliminals like Attract Love coming out, and hope describe my feelings best.

[Frosted]

Good job, Benjamin. It’s fucking hard sometimes to pick the right option instead of the shiny one. Respect the hell out of your decision. Also nice to see a journal by you.

I’m feeling kinda sentimental, remembering back when I first got here and we were all focused only on “being alpha” and getting girls haha. It’s awesome to see that a lot of us that are still on the forum have realized we were using that stuff as a crutch for our emotional issues and stepped up and decided to address those issues with long term, sustainable solutions.

Good luck with the changes, man. Hope you get to the roots of your issues and are able to find greater success because of it.

[Benjamin]

Thanks guys.

Amazing post. I resonate so much with it too. Especially the part about masculinity/bandaid. Also the being a slave to women and other stuff, and fear around women in some regards which logically makes zero sense.

Yep, so it's not misinterpreted i'm not coming from the angle of 'masculinity is bad' (Though I know you realize this, but this is to others who may think that bs). I feel much better when i'm connected with my Masculinity, strength and get much different reactions from people, enjoy my training more etc.. but then it's like there's these blaring issues around rejection, girls and such that the 'being more Alpha' doesn't seem to be healing.

I did a speech on Masculinity last week at Toastmasters and it quite upset a few people and I was told it was too controversial.. it seriously wasn't but it shows the state of the world and how pc bullshit has gone way too far.

One thing i'm scared of is that UH may lessen my interest in martial arts and working out, I don't want that to happen since they are important to me.. on E2 I lost alot of interest in working out. Hopefully that was partly just 'resistance' and it doesn't happen on UH.

I like your post Benjamin! I think at the top of my list is to get a girlfriend since I've never had one.

I had a thought after I read that. When I was in my early 20s and getting lots of girls and sex, was I happier? I guess happier than when i'm not getting it.. but I still had deep depression coming up that would derail me quite a bit. And it didn't necessarily solve that getting more and more sex.

Good job, Benjamin. It’s fucking hard sometimes to pick the right option instead of the shiny one. Respect the hell out of your decision. Also nice to see a journal by you.

Thanks, yeah after I realized the pattern a few days ago I started going back into it again and had good rationalizations like "But maybe I can just get some sex before starting UH". I was meant to take a week off to let other things i've been doing settle, but i've felt quite anxious and down the last few days so I felt like I needed to start.

I’m feeling kinda sentimental, remembering back when I first got here and we were all focused only on “being alpha” and getting girls haha. It’s awesome to see that a lot of us that are still on the forum have realized we were using that stuff as a crutch for our emotional issues and stepped up and decided to address those issues with long term, sustainable solutions.

Yep we don't want to deal with healing, well I don't anymore.. it's like "fuck can't I just ignore that now and move forward more?".

One big challenge i'm having with this is the state of the world. I've had thoughts of whether it's actually sustainable to spend another 6-12 months (Muscle testing suggested 10 months of UH for me) on healing if possibly issues of survival come up, and that becoming a stronger, more Alpha man is definately needed too.. especially with the sad state of men in the world. I've seen this increase in the last 2 years massively.

Where i've stood up and said no to certain things where almost every other guy has just bent over to it all. So have other guys I hang out with now, but it's a minority, and i'm nowhere near where I want to be.. but I still stand for something. I'd like to expand on that, but it's controversial so I won't here.

[Benjamin]

The first time I listen to a subliminal is always the most obvious. As soon as I put UH on last night I felt sensations/energy all throughout my body in all the places that need healing.

My shoulder, elbow, neck, back, forehead, knee, a few other places.. they aren't all necessarily big obvious injuries but are places that give some issues.

Then it started to feel like those places were almost being massaged just subtly.. and it felt good. It also brought out a little bit of soreness. I'm feeling some in my shoulder and elbow this morning, but it's kind of a good soreness like something has been worked. My shoulder has played up for years since I hurt it doing security, when I lift it there's soreness, and then when it gets past that it just goes numb, and the same side elbow started playing up from hitting pads in training. I've been dealing with both of these with a violet ray which definately helps, but something obviously isn't right.

I hope the sensations in all those places means that UH can heal all those places, one place has especially caused alot of issues that logically I don't know how it could be healed but I really hope it is, as I felt sensations there too.

Also what's weird is some of my what I think are candida symptoms have flared up. Itchy ear, rash in my beard, slight blocked nose and sore throat that are only there in the morning in bed but then disappear. I've been doing the humaworm cleanse and all of those improved massively but today back more than in a while. I hope this means UH doesn't invalidate the humaworm cleanse as I have like a week left on it. I also hope this is a good sign that it's going to help with these issues, and I realized that i've called them candida symptoms but they may be something else I am not even aware of.

I also slept well, better than in a while. But woke up feeling like a zombie.

This morning on and off i've been feeling the sensation in my forehead, some soreness. This is reminiscent of a symptom I had originally when dealing with the physical issue I mentioned. So good sign too.

Some detox going on, having some tea for my cleanse I felt weak straight away which is another old candida type symptom, especially when i've been detoxing. And went down the street and noticed my head feeling constricted a bit.

[Shannon]

Are you sure you had candida? Cause that could have been symptoms of a very unhappy subconscious expressing it's unhappiness with something by the sounds of it.

Either way, UH won't interfere with a cleanse unless the cleanse is being removed as a toxin... which I can't fathom. But UH does have an incredibly powerful detox built in.

Also, I have seen MHS in the past help people heal things that "can't be healed" according to modern medical science, but it happened anyway when the subconscious was given the right set of instructions. UH has MHS in it.

[Benjamin]

Alot of things have pointed to issues with candida, and the cleanse helped those things. But I could also see how there could be emotional contributors to it.

One of the other symptoms is rashes in my beard and hair which had been pretty good, waking up today they were more noticable than in a while.

I'd think Candida would be classed as an infection, but the flare up could maybe be toxins from it as I know it also lets off toxins. When I do cleanse/detox type things these symptoms do usually flare up.

Anyway, interesting I had a dream last night with my ex and also my old housemate when I moved to the city. I woke up thinking about when I lived there and he was talking shit to me when she was there, I don't remember that coming up for a long time and I have no idea what issues it may have caused for me but obvously UH was hitting upon it, interesting.

But then this old sabotage I think I got from a dodgy hypnotist come up a little and was trying to fight against it. I had a few sessions with another hypnotist and now it seems to have less impact, but it's still there a little bit. When that happened I got pissed off and was like "what's the fucking point even trying if this always ruins everything?".

Felt the energy in parts of my body when I turned the audio on again last night, not as much and in not as many places. Though my shoulder and elbow I still felt it and it was bringing up some soreness and my elbow is a little sore today.

Was feeling kind of 'quiet' for a few hours this morning, now i'm feeling a little down and I don't know why.

Combined with a feeling of not knowing what to really do with myself. I've had 2 late nights so it'll be a relaxed day, but not much is appealing to me today after doing the things i'm meant to do for the day.

[Shannon]

Rashes are one of those things that are relatively commonly psychological in origin.

Don't give up. I think this dodgy hypnotist BS is going to fade away.

[Benjamin]

Rashes are one of those things that are relatively commonly psychological in origin.

Don't give up. I think this dodgy hypnotist BS is going to fade away.

The rashes have been a pretty long term thing, not sure what it might go back to psychologically but it wouldn't surprise me if it's part of it. When I lost weight and ate healthier they got alot better but still not gone.

That would be awesome if this bs sabotage did fade away, there was so many times on LTU and OF v3 where I woke up with things shifting but this would derail it, I still got changes but without this there would be way more.

[Benjamin]

I'm happy with how my sleep has been better since starting UH, though I still am feeling drained from it.

One thing that's challenging is something that I can't fully attribute to UH but it may partly be contributing. Since I had this big thought of "What's the point of doing all this stuff i'm doing (e.g my morning routines and such) if I just can't find any women or sex?" i've been struggling with the desire to do it, this morning I forgot one part but did it later.

I stopped Qigong as it moves energy in the body and I also muscle tested it would conflict with UH, I feel like it did a little with LTU and OF but I kept doing it. I took a week off working out to recover last week and nearly took another week, i've never taken 2 weeks off but nearly did but thought if I do that I may not start again. I chose a different workout and was slightly under the impression it was UH moving me to something else to rehabilitate my body a bit, but when I started doing it I was totally bored and went back to the workout i've been doing, and also realized it may partly have been some sabotage trying to stop me doing what seems to be working well.

I replaced my morning Qigong with Feldenkrais and will do that every weekday morning instead.

My elbow is sore after my workout, so it's like UH is bringing up some soreness there.

Emotionally i'm feeling like a bit of a sensitive pussy, perceived rejection seems to be effecting me more and my old reflex of suddenly going to "what did I do wrong to cause them to behave like that". Yesterday I realized it was simply this old pattern coming up.

This morning was interesting, I was laying in bed and I laugh at this now but I was thinking "hmm the thought of a naked woman doesn't seem as appealing".. like some neediness had been removed, obviously it still appeals but it was like less desperation around it. Then as soon as I noticed and thought "this is good" the sabotage come up and lessened it.

I also seem to be thinking about certain things about girls in my past, and perceiving some of them differently when looking at POF.

Other than that, the other thing that's a bit difficult at the moment is I have little urge to go out and do stuff. Tomorrow I have a regular thing on every week and I really don't feel like going. I decided i'd probably just make myself go otherwise i'll just be at home most of the week. Like I kind of just want to be by myself, I wonder if it's some past trauma coming up that made me 'feel' like I didn't want to go anywhere and socialize, where I realized as I worked on it more I did want to go out and I started to legitimately enjoy socializing.

Basically alot of this can be summed up at confusion about what's going on and what I want to do right now, I know UH is doing so much at once which might explain it.

[Benjamin]

Eventually I just had to get out of the house, but the unusual thing is I usually would go out to be around people but I just wanted somewhere quiet.

Went down the river where people walk and I haven't felt this anxious around people in a long time, so UH is obviously going deep. A couple of women walked past and I was thinking "I hope they don't say hi to me".  

Then I just went and stood there and enjoyed looking at the river. I started having thoughts about how nature finds a way to heal, it grows back and that despite what i've been through I can 'grow' into more than I was before.

But also thoughts of "this is useless, I can't spend another 10 months just idle healing because life is like the water and if i'm idle that life is still going on and can sweep me up" but also "Life goes on whether I participate in it or not, so it's better to participate as that will make me feel more fulfilled."

I remember during E2 I started doing more things by myself just to enjoy them like exploring places. Though I didn't have much of a friendship group back then like I do now.

[Benjamin]

After saying how happy I was with improved sleep, last night I struggled. Constantly had to get up to pee which is likely some detoxing.

I had set my alarm for 6:30am to goto the weekly thing I usually goto in town, then I changed it to 7, then 7:30 then turned it off and stayed in bed. I felt really physically drained, but it may also be partly emotionally.. I generally don't have issues if I have to get up earlier, but on UH i've been sleeping a bit later and couldn't bring myself to get up early.

I went down the street about an hour after it started, drove past but just didn't feel like going and socializing so I went to some opshops. Before that I went to the supermarket and post office, I felt like something had passed and I was back to being more comfortable again and the reactions I got from a few people was positive, talked to a cute girl serving me in the chemist and it was fairly playful.

Then it went down and I then just felt antisocial, didn't want to talk to anyone, in one shop I didn't even want to talk to a woman I usually talk to when I go there.

After maybe an hour or so I was getting really drained, now that i'm home I just have no energy. The way i'm feeling reminds me of around 4 years ago when I first started getting the physical issues i've been dealing with, which back then I believed was partly from trauma and partly from physical contributors.

The general feeling is kind of being wrapped up like a baby and coddled, going out but just not wanting to really interact with anyone. I don't like this feeling, especially with how social I generally am now. But I guess it's a sign of how deep UH is going.

Interestingly despite not really enjoying how i'm feeling i'm also craving the UH input and look forward to putting it on each night.

But it seems it's going to be harder to be productive on this.

[Shannon]

You're not going to be free to pretend you're not healing on this program, Ben. It is going to trigger healing in you, and it is going to trigger that healing in you all the way down. The deeper parts of you are going to respond during this process and they will affect how you feel at a conscious level. If you're getting a generalized physical healing effect, you're likely to experience a sensation when you awaken that is reminiscent of being super cozy and a sort of generalized sensation of diffused "it feels good" along with something else you can't quite put your finger on as it is doing your physical healing. Specific healing feels different as it works on those specific areas. Emotional healing may make your moods shift, and in fact make your conscious and subconscious moods conflict at times as different parts are doing and experiencing different aspects of what the program is doing. Feeling tired is also a sign of the program putting you to work on healing yourself. Be patient with yourself during this process.