07-21-2018, 05:20 PM
I went over to my old sponsor's house and played our money game, our norm. I had some time with him alone before the other guy showed up, and I opened up to him about what I'd been experiencing in regards to going to ACA or other 12 step meetings.
For one, me and my driver stopped at a WaWa's for lunch yesterday, and a guy I'd known from AA meetings was near his car waiting for his wife to get out. We caught eyes, and I looked away, doubting it was the same guy. Seconds later, he called me by name. Ugghhh.... I just morphed into my social self, sharing I'd not been going to meetings. He encouraged me 3x to get to a meeting. I'd considered going last night, but I was still vulnerable and fearful.
I've not been to any meetings in 3 months or so. Before that, it was over 6 months. When I did my first UD run, I was doing regular meetings, 2-3x per week, plus a step study. During that run, I pulled out of all my meetings since I realized the web of lies I'd been practicing and living in.
So tonight, I talked with my old sponsor since I've been desiring some connection again. His first suggestion was..... to just go to a meeting. I asked if I could share some fears I'd been listening to, and he agreed. I've feared me settling into old lies and habits of playing a part for other's sake. He kept listening. And I spit something out which was honest.
I shared I always was trying to appear strong, even when I felt weak. I realize (now) I carried the belief of being responsible for my own mother into my meetings. Just realized that. I thought it my part to encourage others, when I was supposed to be going for me. "Supposed to" are key words.
I'd played a known role for so long, and what I was afraid of was being vulnerable. Very few opportunities appear outside of meetings in my life presently, and I shared I was just scared of it. He said a meeting is often the best place to drop one's guard. He writes and wishes to publish one day, and he saw a video recently where successful authors often bring some actual feelings and experiences into their writing. It makes the connection easier for the reader.
And from my actual experiences in meetings, when I've shared honest tears or fears, I've seen others relax themselves and try to share honestly too. I strongly dislike hearing loads of program verbiage without emotional connections. Feelings are what ACA is all about (at first), and emotionless talking/bragging annoys me.
Regarding that last sentence, my old sponsor shared he'd been listening to some old program veterans on CD's lately, and when he's been in his meetings, he's seeing dishonesty everywhere. It shocked him seeing it so easily.
He didn't push me, but he did. He even left for a local AA meeting when I was leaving.
Tomorrow I'm considering going. One ACA meeting is at 2, and I shared I saw my resistance in action while driving to his place. One man in Sunday's meeting is a long-timer, having spent many years in ACA. But I imagined him being crotchety and critical towards me. His MS makes him moody often, and I avoid him. My resistance is speaking up.
But, I'd like to go. And resistance rises too (as I write). In fact, I usually feel obliged to visit my mom when I go to that meeting.......and she texted me while I was writing this telling me tomorrow wouldn't be good for her. Hmmmmm....
I sit here realizing I'm so used to listening to fears. It seems I'm looking for them too.
That's tomorrow. One day at a time. Been listening to UD while I was writing.
For one, me and my driver stopped at a WaWa's for lunch yesterday, and a guy I'd known from AA meetings was near his car waiting for his wife to get out. We caught eyes, and I looked away, doubting it was the same guy. Seconds later, he called me by name. Ugghhh.... I just morphed into my social self, sharing I'd not been going to meetings. He encouraged me 3x to get to a meeting. I'd considered going last night, but I was still vulnerable and fearful.
I've not been to any meetings in 3 months or so. Before that, it was over 6 months. When I did my first UD run, I was doing regular meetings, 2-3x per week, plus a step study. During that run, I pulled out of all my meetings since I realized the web of lies I'd been practicing and living in.
So tonight, I talked with my old sponsor since I've been desiring some connection again. His first suggestion was..... to just go to a meeting. I asked if I could share some fears I'd been listening to, and he agreed. I've feared me settling into old lies and habits of playing a part for other's sake. He kept listening. And I spit something out which was honest.
I shared I always was trying to appear strong, even when I felt weak. I realize (now) I carried the belief of being responsible for my own mother into my meetings. Just realized that. I thought it my part to encourage others, when I was supposed to be going for me. "Supposed to" are key words.
I'd played a known role for so long, and what I was afraid of was being vulnerable. Very few opportunities appear outside of meetings in my life presently, and I shared I was just scared of it. He said a meeting is often the best place to drop one's guard. He writes and wishes to publish one day, and he saw a video recently where successful authors often bring some actual feelings and experiences into their writing. It makes the connection easier for the reader.
And from my actual experiences in meetings, when I've shared honest tears or fears, I've seen others relax themselves and try to share honestly too. I strongly dislike hearing loads of program verbiage without emotional connections. Feelings are what ACA is all about (at first), and emotionless talking/bragging annoys me.
Regarding that last sentence, my old sponsor shared he'd been listening to some old program veterans on CD's lately, and when he's been in his meetings, he's seeing dishonesty everywhere. It shocked him seeing it so easily.
He didn't push me, but he did. He even left for a local AA meeting when I was leaving.
Tomorrow I'm considering going. One ACA meeting is at 2, and I shared I saw my resistance in action while driving to his place. One man in Sunday's meeting is a long-timer, having spent many years in ACA. But I imagined him being crotchety and critical towards me. His MS makes him moody often, and I avoid him. My resistance is speaking up.
But, I'd like to go. And resistance rises too (as I write). In fact, I usually feel obliged to visit my mom when I go to that meeting.......and she texted me while I was writing this telling me tomorrow wouldn't be good for her. Hmmmmm....
I sit here realizing I'm so used to listening to fears. It seems I'm looking for them too.
That's tomorrow. One day at a time. Been listening to UD while I was writing.
I want to be FREE!
