07-21-2018, 01:10 AM
Woke up a few times last night running the US version, feeling really good. I'd call it a knowing that future dreams and desires will be ok.
I also thought I wanted to write about one thing, but went another way entirely.
When I was growing up, something good might come around, like an inspiring movie (Rocky, for example). It felt good, but........I had this belief "we weren't allowed". Feeling good must be ok with "everyone", or really, just Mom. If she didn't like something, it was "wrong". Guilt was felt, in me anyway.
Well, in my late teens, I got into church. I liked it. But Mom wasn't included, and a level of guilt has always been felt. For years, I'd go mixing guilt and rebellion towards her, so I carried more anger than I admitted to myself. I always felt obligated to make her happy, yet unable (and unwilling) to do so. This grew creative, unhealthy beliefs about feeling good. I felt she had power over me. I felt like I should serve her at all times.
Sidenote: this ties in directly to my non-dating habits. I've associated this feeling of servitude with a relationship. However, the feeling is of serving someone who doesn't listen, respond, or give back. Anger results. So, I'll see a woman, fantasize quickly about her sexually, then feel anger since my "standard" is serving women who just take and frustrate. Grrrrr. My eye contact, most days, reveals mixed feelings of guilt, anger, and desire I feel, which doesn't foster more connection. I look away since my thinking goes "F*** you! No! I won't!" I feel like I'm losing my soul again. I even dodged eye contact yesterday. I thought "no, I don't want to go there"
I've spent an enormous amount of energy trying to make myself not feel this.
F***. I keep seeing DMSI in this writing. I didn't "feel" good a lot on it.....but it focuses on this stuff. Not imagining jumping either. But I'm not closing the door on it. Not at all. I'd just like to feel good when around sexy women.
That's my truth, for now.
I also thought I wanted to write about one thing, but went another way entirely.
When I was growing up, something good might come around, like an inspiring movie (Rocky, for example). It felt good, but........I had this belief "we weren't allowed". Feeling good must be ok with "everyone", or really, just Mom. If she didn't like something, it was "wrong". Guilt was felt, in me anyway.
Well, in my late teens, I got into church. I liked it. But Mom wasn't included, and a level of guilt has always been felt. For years, I'd go mixing guilt and rebellion towards her, so I carried more anger than I admitted to myself. I always felt obligated to make her happy, yet unable (and unwilling) to do so. This grew creative, unhealthy beliefs about feeling good. I felt she had power over me. I felt like I should serve her at all times.
Sidenote: this ties in directly to my non-dating habits. I've associated this feeling of servitude with a relationship. However, the feeling is of serving someone who doesn't listen, respond, or give back. Anger results. So, I'll see a woman, fantasize quickly about her sexually, then feel anger since my "standard" is serving women who just take and frustrate. Grrrrr. My eye contact, most days, reveals mixed feelings of guilt, anger, and desire I feel, which doesn't foster more connection. I look away since my thinking goes "F*** you! No! I won't!" I feel like I'm losing my soul again. I even dodged eye contact yesterday. I thought "no, I don't want to go there"
I've spent an enormous amount of energy trying to make myself not feel this.
F***. I keep seeing DMSI in this writing. I didn't "feel" good a lot on it.....but it focuses on this stuff. Not imagining jumping either. But I'm not closing the door on it. Not at all. I'd just like to feel good when around sexy women.
That's my truth, for now.
I want to be FREE!
