07-20-2018, 03:42 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-20-2018, 03:49 AM by AsIGotHitByACar.)
Having a really miserable time, feeling really insecure and low in self-worth.
I've been single since October and in that time I've lost count of the rejection I've encountered. It's not like I wanted a meaningful relationship from everybody I encountered, Sometimes I just want to have an encounter and enjoy being single, but I've been disappointed every single time. I had a one night stand way back in October and didn't enjoy it. In December, I dated a girl who used me for free drinks, was rude and then abruptly disposed of me on new year's day (second time that has happened). I spent many weeks happily talking to another woman on a dating app, only for her to delete me within days of us arranging to meet. I was talking to another woman who would not meet with me due to "anxiety" and the fact that it "was raining". As someone who suffers from anxiety myself, this is kind of insulting. In March, I went on one date with a woman I was very interested in and everything seemed promising but when I suggested we meet again, the line went dead. Strangely, she got back in touch with me a few weeks later but the same thing happened when I suggested we meet again. This hurt me a lot as I really did think she was somebody special. The insecurity kicked in hard. I think around this time I stopped thinking it was great to be single again (after two years in a confusing relationship) and reverted to hating myself for my shortcomings.
The pattern continues: every woman I've been talking to in the last month have all ghosted me in the end. One arranged to meet me but cancelled at the last minute, citing "anxiety" yet again said she'd meet me the following week. The conversation suggested she was sincere and would meet me the following week, after I went away for a few days. I joked, "oh you'll have forgotten about me by the time I come back from Norway", which she laughed off. Fast forward a few days and she is ignoring my messages. I check her profile the following week (this week) and it says she is seeing someone. I don't believe she had any intention of meeting me.
I could go on, as there have been more instances along these lines, but you get the idea. It's mounting up and I feel like shit. I'm still fearful socially so can't create any such opportunities in the 'real world'.
Last week I went on Facebook to download one of my profile pictures to use on a dating app. Even though I've blocked my ex, a glitch of the website meant her new profile picture, complete with new boyfriend, was visible to me in the form of an old photo comment. I must have looked at it for about a split second, but the damage was done - something else to ruminate over. I blocked her in the first place for the purpose of not having to view such a sight and well, this is what happens.
In the wake of finding out my date was in fact messing me around and all of these recent events, I feel consumed with anger and self-loathing. Just before I started typing this, I decided to take the lava lamp my ex gave me and throw it the glass recycling bin round the corner from where I live. When I got up to do this, some idiot council worker was pacing up and down on his mobile phone and getting in the way, so when he moved I couldn't throw it in with enough force to get the satisfying and therapeutic smash I was hoping for. I can't even pull off a low-level if harmless act of aggression like that. Feel like trapped in the quicksand of being a failure.
Oh and I've celebrated 90 days on EPHRA with no results whatsoever.
I've been single since October and in that time I've lost count of the rejection I've encountered. It's not like I wanted a meaningful relationship from everybody I encountered, Sometimes I just want to have an encounter and enjoy being single, but I've been disappointed every single time. I had a one night stand way back in October and didn't enjoy it. In December, I dated a girl who used me for free drinks, was rude and then abruptly disposed of me on new year's day (second time that has happened). I spent many weeks happily talking to another woman on a dating app, only for her to delete me within days of us arranging to meet. I was talking to another woman who would not meet with me due to "anxiety" and the fact that it "was raining". As someone who suffers from anxiety myself, this is kind of insulting. In March, I went on one date with a woman I was very interested in and everything seemed promising but when I suggested we meet again, the line went dead. Strangely, she got back in touch with me a few weeks later but the same thing happened when I suggested we meet again. This hurt me a lot as I really did think she was somebody special. The insecurity kicked in hard. I think around this time I stopped thinking it was great to be single again (after two years in a confusing relationship) and reverted to hating myself for my shortcomings.
The pattern continues: every woman I've been talking to in the last month have all ghosted me in the end. One arranged to meet me but cancelled at the last minute, citing "anxiety" yet again said she'd meet me the following week. The conversation suggested she was sincere and would meet me the following week, after I went away for a few days. I joked, "oh you'll have forgotten about me by the time I come back from Norway", which she laughed off. Fast forward a few days and she is ignoring my messages. I check her profile the following week (this week) and it says she is seeing someone. I don't believe she had any intention of meeting me.
I could go on, as there have been more instances along these lines, but you get the idea. It's mounting up and I feel like shit. I'm still fearful socially so can't create any such opportunities in the 'real world'.
Last week I went on Facebook to download one of my profile pictures to use on a dating app. Even though I've blocked my ex, a glitch of the website meant her new profile picture, complete with new boyfriend, was visible to me in the form of an old photo comment. I must have looked at it for about a split second, but the damage was done - something else to ruminate over. I blocked her in the first place for the purpose of not having to view such a sight and well, this is what happens.
In the wake of finding out my date was in fact messing me around and all of these recent events, I feel consumed with anger and self-loathing. Just before I started typing this, I decided to take the lava lamp my ex gave me and throw it the glass recycling bin round the corner from where I live. When I got up to do this, some idiot council worker was pacing up and down on his mobile phone and getting in the way, so when he moved I couldn't throw it in with enough force to get the satisfying and therapeutic smash I was hoping for. I can't even pull off a low-level if harmless act of aggression like that. Feel like trapped in the quicksand of being a failure.
Oh and I've celebrated 90 days on EPHRA with no results whatsoever.
