07-19-2018, 04:28 PM
I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm scared. Feelings surfacing steadily, and damn............ just scared.
I'm choosing to share something I just wrote. I PM'd a man I know from an online Adult Children of Alcoholics forum I used to write regularly on. I wrote him since he is older, and not a peer. UD is looping into my history with my brother, the single peer I relied on most. I'm trying to pay attention to what I'm feeling, but here's what I wrote:
"I'm writing to be heard. I'm avoiding myself, which can have me imagining bad things happening emotionally, so I will let it out.
Outside, little is going on causing stress. Working regularly, applied for a job within the company, and "things" are not discouraging me. (I am heavily caffeinated at the moment, so that is likely causing my emotional stress........ That is situational, not permanent, nor terrible. I may take a long walk..)
But I'm writing seeking some connection. I've been posting on a forum for people using one vendor's subliminals. His stuff works, and seeing my present symptoms, I'm basically resisting some changes coming on caused by the subliminal.
I need to share my experience with the one I'm on to paint my picture. About September of last year, I picked up a subliminal called Universal Detox. A brand new sub, new technology, and the maker had said he'd wanted to make it for a long time. He finally found time, and began. It affects the physical, mental, and emotional parts of ourselves, and he said it'd detox every part of what makes "you". I used it for 3 months, and I was GREATLY helped. The biggest thing that happened was I could not lie to myself any more. Due to that, lying to people became impossible, and this made me very comfortable being ME. I've lied my entire life to please whoever, just to have someone say I was "worth" something. I didn't need that. UD (short for Universal Detox) allowed me to open up, share in meetings, cry regularly (since I'd not grieved in ages), and the battle I'd had in life toned down tremendously. It is the most EFFECTIVE subliminal I'd ever used.
I stopped after 3 months, thinking something (more than what I was experiencing) would make me happy. Well, nothing like that happened. Nothing turned upside down, but my "itch" didn't find a scratch. I've used 2 other subliminals since that time, but the contentment I sought wasn't found.
I began again on UD almost 2 weeks back, and I am learning and seeing things I'd never just noticed. In many relationships, I'm like "no wonder!" as I realize why I'm acting in certain ways. Fears of people leaving me have been the prominent message--and I'm seeing I either stick to them closely (goals or values mostly) or......I simply never get close to them. I abandon people before I'm stung with a pain of abandonment.
In fact.....I just took a break and realized I'm writing YOU since you're not a same-age peer like in my subliminal forum. UD is hitting my relationships with peers, men around me, and it's ....change. (If there is a main thing I'm grateful for using UD, it's how it took me to places emotionally I'd not been to for DECADES. I'd tried not to change--as my mom models it still to this day. Nothing explosive, but gradual, steady entry into many things I'd lost or was losing. I'd almost lost me) To this day, I still hold an unconscious judgement towards my brother who abandoned me physically when young, but emotionally when older. I've just lied to me--and anyone else--about how I felt. This same expectation of abandonment seeps into my thinking immediately when considering writing there, so the subliminal is working. It often shows me the pain and fruit of what I'm doing, and simultaneously brings in some relief, meaning something clicks in me since pain is NOT my desire.
And believe it or not, that is when I've grieved when on UD. I'll have held to something for years subconsciously, and UD is taking it away. I cried almost every ACA meeting I went to. No kidding.
......as I sit here, I'm realizing my tendency to keep people away. Was my full-time mode before UD. My day in, day out, keep me stuck in my muck kind of norm. Yeah, UD is working on me.
I just spilled that out so I'd see and think on it. I'm about to find myself without old fallbacks, old emotional fortresses I'd held, and tears will come. Tears will come at night, but joy in the morning.
This is me saying I'm scared, basically. Thanks D*****"
I'm choosing to share something I just wrote. I PM'd a man I know from an online Adult Children of Alcoholics forum I used to write regularly on. I wrote him since he is older, and not a peer. UD is looping into my history with my brother, the single peer I relied on most. I'm trying to pay attention to what I'm feeling, but here's what I wrote:
"I'm writing to be heard. I'm avoiding myself, which can have me imagining bad things happening emotionally, so I will let it out.
Outside, little is going on causing stress. Working regularly, applied for a job within the company, and "things" are not discouraging me. (I am heavily caffeinated at the moment, so that is likely causing my emotional stress........ That is situational, not permanent, nor terrible. I may take a long walk..)
But I'm writing seeking some connection. I've been posting on a forum for people using one vendor's subliminals. His stuff works, and seeing my present symptoms, I'm basically resisting some changes coming on caused by the subliminal.
I need to share my experience with the one I'm on to paint my picture. About September of last year, I picked up a subliminal called Universal Detox. A brand new sub, new technology, and the maker had said he'd wanted to make it for a long time. He finally found time, and began. It affects the physical, mental, and emotional parts of ourselves, and he said it'd detox every part of what makes "you". I used it for 3 months, and I was GREATLY helped. The biggest thing that happened was I could not lie to myself any more. Due to that, lying to people became impossible, and this made me very comfortable being ME. I've lied my entire life to please whoever, just to have someone say I was "worth" something. I didn't need that. UD (short for Universal Detox) allowed me to open up, share in meetings, cry regularly (since I'd not grieved in ages), and the battle I'd had in life toned down tremendously. It is the most EFFECTIVE subliminal I'd ever used.
I stopped after 3 months, thinking something (more than what I was experiencing) would make me happy. Well, nothing like that happened. Nothing turned upside down, but my "itch" didn't find a scratch. I've used 2 other subliminals since that time, but the contentment I sought wasn't found.
I began again on UD almost 2 weeks back, and I am learning and seeing things I'd never just noticed. In many relationships, I'm like "no wonder!" as I realize why I'm acting in certain ways. Fears of people leaving me have been the prominent message--and I'm seeing I either stick to them closely (goals or values mostly) or......I simply never get close to them. I abandon people before I'm stung with a pain of abandonment.
In fact.....I just took a break and realized I'm writing YOU since you're not a same-age peer like in my subliminal forum. UD is hitting my relationships with peers, men around me, and it's ....change. (If there is a main thing I'm grateful for using UD, it's how it took me to places emotionally I'd not been to for DECADES. I'd tried not to change--as my mom models it still to this day. Nothing explosive, but gradual, steady entry into many things I'd lost or was losing. I'd almost lost me) To this day, I still hold an unconscious judgement towards my brother who abandoned me physically when young, but emotionally when older. I've just lied to me--and anyone else--about how I felt. This same expectation of abandonment seeps into my thinking immediately when considering writing there, so the subliminal is working. It often shows me the pain and fruit of what I'm doing, and simultaneously brings in some relief, meaning something clicks in me since pain is NOT my desire.
And believe it or not, that is when I've grieved when on UD. I'll have held to something for years subconsciously, and UD is taking it away. I cried almost every ACA meeting I went to. No kidding.
......as I sit here, I'm realizing my tendency to keep people away. Was my full-time mode before UD. My day in, day out, keep me stuck in my muck kind of norm. Yeah, UD is working on me.
I just spilled that out so I'd see and think on it. I'm about to find myself without old fallbacks, old emotional fortresses I'd held, and tears will come. Tears will come at night, but joy in the morning.
This is me saying I'm scared, basically. Thanks D*****"
I want to be FREE!
