Antaeus' AM6 Reboot Journal

[Antaeus]

More insights:

This is not new to me but I know now how to articulate this fact.

I’ve realized that in just about every case in my life, whether it was ROTC in high school or Greek life in college or just school in general, I’ve had a tendency to be the “Charlie Brown” (i.e. the old punching bag) of the group, or at least one of them. Now I’m not trying to garner any sympathy. I deserve none after all. As I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it in the first place. I was just ruminating about this earlier and felt an enormous anger and disappointment at myself for never drawing the line with people.

I could just use my fraternity as an example. Now I do write a lot about these guys but I do not wish to paint a negative picture of them or Greek life in general. It was a big part of my college experience and I have no regrets. And I actually met a lot of great people. These are just isolated incidents that I use as examples because they illustrate a clearer picture of what I’m talking about.

Now even in college, my social skills weren’t so great (my fault). So I suppose that opened the door for some abuse. This mostly has to do with assertiveness and conflict management. I have always been a timid person and somehow it showed.

In order to give some context here, I always talk about how I have a tendency to get clowned on by others. This was also a case with them. Mostly with the guys I pledged with. And those guys always reassured me that they were just messing with me and that they meant nothing by it. Okay, fair enough. Guys fuck with each other after all, right? It’s a guy thing.

This is the problem though. Sometimes this behavior spread to new pledges who have barely gotten to know me (I.e. getting too comfortable too quick as they say). For example, this was in my fourth year of college, one night me and a group of the guys (including some new pledges) and a girl from one of the sororities were sitting in the living room, not much going on, I was just sitting on one of the sofas minding my own business, listening to some music on my headphones. And this one guy (a pledge) kept throwing a soccer ball/volleyball at me (as if for me to catch it, I guess) but because I wasn’t paying attention it hit my face/head...”AWWW COME ON MAN!!!!!! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!! YOU CANT CATCH OR SOMETHING ETC!!!!” Once or twice was fine, but he kept doing it. And I was starting to get annoyed. Yet what did i do? Nothing. I sat there and took it. Not wanting to rock the boat or cause a scene.

For some reason, this occurrence has stuck out in my mind a lot over the past several years.

I should have told his ass that if he didn’t quit it, he’d be cut and wouldn’t get initiated, on account of being an obnoxious douche.

And most of it (at least I can safely assume) was to impress the girl in the room.

That’s what it was...a dominance game.

And he won...I lost...he got everyone around him laughing at my expense including the sorority girl that was there.

And it’s all my fault...

I wish I could meet 22 year old me and tell him to quit being a pussy and grow a pair...to stand up for himself...quit letting anyone (especially a pledge) push him around.

My eyes are starting to open...

Some may look at this and say I’m full of myself, that I’m a narcissist, that I can’t take a joke, that I need to get a grip, that I need to grow up (which I actually do and am trying to do)...and maybe they’re right. But I don’t care...
I needed to get the anger out...