06-03-2018, 05:10 AM
I was asked about my experience on SE recently so i thought i'd just post up a summary.
I've been under the impression that Self Esteem is the most fundamental building block of a good life for a while.
I know I've been trying to become smarter, better with women, more popular, richer, admired and accepted really just to cover up that I am unwilling to accept that I am fundamentally flawed and that, because of that, it is possible, and often (with that belief) probable that people will neglect, reject or outright hate me. The foundation of all of this work with subs, spirituality, even dabbling in the Occult has been predicated on the need to fix something in order to be safe.
I wanted to get passed this since no matter what I achieve, I just return to that base of i'm no good and it's never enough.
That's me, and not everyone else, I've met plenty of people who - however fucked up their life is, seem to have a self acceptance which gets them through.
So for me I needed to get self esteem in a higher resolution; find out what it was and see if i could nail it. I originally thought nailing it looked like me never having self doubt, fear, and discovering and endless well of self acceptance and love; well that didn't happen.
SE 5.5g didn't give me unending self esteem - it might have done if i'd stuck with it longer. What it did teach me though, was self esteem resilience, the ability to face down threats to your personal identity, to go through the emotional range that comes out of failure and the fear of failure. After five or so months running SE, i cultivated core principles that I regularly refresh and adhere to, I have significantly reduced negative self talk and very much reduced bouts of depression. I have emotional honesty so if something doesn't feel good, I can grieve, cry it out, just be with the pain and feeling in my body until i've moved through it.
That's the emotional side of it. Now what happened in real life (before results started to peter out).
(1) Found myself reading a shit tonne on self esteem and figured out how i could measure my actions and be more conscious in doing things which enhance self esteem. These included, never lying, patient confrontation with reality and applying more thorough truth telling to it - for example, yes you're imperfect and possibly more shitty than a lot of people, but that's not all if you're really going to be honest about it, you're also (insert virtues here), and yes many people don't really care about you, but that's quite possibly because you don't really care about them or yourself and that's something which is in your power change or you may think you're alone, but you're not the only one and connection is an honest vulnerable conversation away.
(2) With this, when practiced, I'm able to unleash my intellectual capability more; i find myself able to have complex conversations at work with experts, think much quicker on the spot, generate creative ideas and manage my own team. Highlights were being in very technical meetings with experts and generating complex concepts on the spot which shocked even me.
(3) I've detached from needing people or engaging in activities for validation, not that i don't feel lonely at times when i'm less conscious, or feel that I'm falling short sometimes - rather i have the ability to keep it moving, to integrate these feelings as lessons, to be able to re engage with people and life's activities.
(4) Relationship with girlfriend is increasingly good, many times it's phenomenal. It's one thing to have girls just on you - that's certainly fun and exciting - it's quite another thing to just be deeply in tune with a woman, to love her and for her to love you, there is something powerful about that connection which opens up the senses to many aspects of life previously not withing my realm of cognition. Here i can only talk for myself though, I don't know if that will resonate with anyone else and it may be just something I've experienced. Since people are interested in generally getting laid here as well, i'll say that old gfs have been regularly trying to connect and i'm vibing with women in an amazing way, if i wasn't committed i don't believe i would have many problems in that area.
(5) I'm just enjoying life so much more I laugh much more. I fucking run!, I've never been able to run in my life now i'm like a fucking runner, i started being unable to jog for a 60 seconds i'm going for a full half hour before i collapse in a sweating ball of exhaustion. This same out of being able to accept small daily progression rather than be impatient. I socialise for fun, I enjoy people's company, especially funny people who are interested in the world, I have great enriching conversations with people. I find myself doing things which, in my previous bottom feeding consciousness made absolutely no sense to me, hiking in the hills? wtf? the old me would have laughed at someone who just wanted to be in nature. When you don't have yourself as someone who needs to be fixed, you free yourself up for appreciating beauty, for being refreshed by good things, you allow yourself to feel joy and you learn that life doesn't have to be just about proving your existence is worthwhile. This frees up so much space in your being.
(6) Life can still be shitty, but that shittyness loses it's significance, it doesn't feel good but it also doesn't have to destroy you because it no longer proved you're worthwhile.
That bit about the bottom feeding consciousness is important. I found myself on Friday walking around an area where i used to work. At the time i was on ADHD meds, suicidal, smoking, dating head case, manipulative, dependent women. There was just no Joy. From the days i worked there and first tried LTU to now, spans just over four years and a lot has changed. Subs have definitely contributed, but only when I've worked with them. In any of these subs, i'm learning (and correct me if i'm wrong) there is a contradiction you have to learn to deal with.
That is that you can't really control how the sub affects you, but you're responsible for making it work. How can you make it work or achieve that holy grail of being someone who 'executes' when you can't actually control what happens? I
I don't know the full answer, what i guess though, what's worked so far to some success for me is, being heavily intentional, never depending on the subs (although you kind of are) knowing that with or without subs, you have a goal and you're going to get there. To beat a contradictory problem, you have to have a contradictory approach. Hopefully that makes sense.
I could probably go on, but i think that gives the general gist of it. I wanted to move to DMSI just for shits and giggles but after two days of running it, found myself surrounded by insanely gorgeous women, I was horny as hell, and then i realized that if i stay on this any longer I'll cheat on my GF which isn't aligned with what i fundamentally value (Shannon, a couples sub would be the shit...please? )
Back to MLS now. I am enjoying coming back to this sub. Curiosity is rising, and coupled with my self esteem practices, i'm actually having fun with it - as with anything though the challenge remains to keep on confronting where i'm not taking responsibility, where i'm not facing down unpleasant realities; the sub supports in that too, i'm giving myself the goals of more deeply integrating self esteem resilience through practicing it and modelling others who have it.
I also should add, that something new is happening, i've realised that i'm a kinesthetic learner, and so now when i'm reading i find myself using movement and emotion to integrate and understand the information. Its a limitation learning like this in a very analytical, technical profession though, so whilst it works, its' making me consider what i could do where this style of cognition is better suited. Perhaps something more people facing or creative.
Who knows.
I've been under the impression that Self Esteem is the most fundamental building block of a good life for a while.
I know I've been trying to become smarter, better with women, more popular, richer, admired and accepted really just to cover up that I am unwilling to accept that I am fundamentally flawed and that, because of that, it is possible, and often (with that belief) probable that people will neglect, reject or outright hate me. The foundation of all of this work with subs, spirituality, even dabbling in the Occult has been predicated on the need to fix something in order to be safe.
I wanted to get passed this since no matter what I achieve, I just return to that base of i'm no good and it's never enough.
That's me, and not everyone else, I've met plenty of people who - however fucked up their life is, seem to have a self acceptance which gets them through.
So for me I needed to get self esteem in a higher resolution; find out what it was and see if i could nail it. I originally thought nailing it looked like me never having self doubt, fear, and discovering and endless well of self acceptance and love; well that didn't happen.
SE 5.5g didn't give me unending self esteem - it might have done if i'd stuck with it longer. What it did teach me though, was self esteem resilience, the ability to face down threats to your personal identity, to go through the emotional range that comes out of failure and the fear of failure. After five or so months running SE, i cultivated core principles that I regularly refresh and adhere to, I have significantly reduced negative self talk and very much reduced bouts of depression. I have emotional honesty so if something doesn't feel good, I can grieve, cry it out, just be with the pain and feeling in my body until i've moved through it.
That's the emotional side of it. Now what happened in real life (before results started to peter out).
(1) Found myself reading a shit tonne on self esteem and figured out how i could measure my actions and be more conscious in doing things which enhance self esteem. These included, never lying, patient confrontation with reality and applying more thorough truth telling to it - for example, yes you're imperfect and possibly more shitty than a lot of people, but that's not all if you're really going to be honest about it, you're also (insert virtues here), and yes many people don't really care about you, but that's quite possibly because you don't really care about them or yourself and that's something which is in your power change or you may think you're alone, but you're not the only one and connection is an honest vulnerable conversation away.
(2) With this, when practiced, I'm able to unleash my intellectual capability more; i find myself able to have complex conversations at work with experts, think much quicker on the spot, generate creative ideas and manage my own team. Highlights were being in very technical meetings with experts and generating complex concepts on the spot which shocked even me.
(3) I've detached from needing people or engaging in activities for validation, not that i don't feel lonely at times when i'm less conscious, or feel that I'm falling short sometimes - rather i have the ability to keep it moving, to integrate these feelings as lessons, to be able to re engage with people and life's activities.
(4) Relationship with girlfriend is increasingly good, many times it's phenomenal. It's one thing to have girls just on you - that's certainly fun and exciting - it's quite another thing to just be deeply in tune with a woman, to love her and for her to love you, there is something powerful about that connection which opens up the senses to many aspects of life previously not withing my realm of cognition. Here i can only talk for myself though, I don't know if that will resonate with anyone else and it may be just something I've experienced. Since people are interested in generally getting laid here as well, i'll say that old gfs have been regularly trying to connect and i'm vibing with women in an amazing way, if i wasn't committed i don't believe i would have many problems in that area.
(5) I'm just enjoying life so much more I laugh much more. I fucking run!, I've never been able to run in my life now i'm like a fucking runner, i started being unable to jog for a 60 seconds i'm going for a full half hour before i collapse in a sweating ball of exhaustion. This same out of being able to accept small daily progression rather than be impatient. I socialise for fun, I enjoy people's company, especially funny people who are interested in the world, I have great enriching conversations with people. I find myself doing things which, in my previous bottom feeding consciousness made absolutely no sense to me, hiking in the hills? wtf? the old me would have laughed at someone who just wanted to be in nature. When you don't have yourself as someone who needs to be fixed, you free yourself up for appreciating beauty, for being refreshed by good things, you allow yourself to feel joy and you learn that life doesn't have to be just about proving your existence is worthwhile. This frees up so much space in your being.
(6) Life can still be shitty, but that shittyness loses it's significance, it doesn't feel good but it also doesn't have to destroy you because it no longer proved you're worthwhile.
That bit about the bottom feeding consciousness is important. I found myself on Friday walking around an area where i used to work. At the time i was on ADHD meds, suicidal, smoking, dating head case, manipulative, dependent women. There was just no Joy. From the days i worked there and first tried LTU to now, spans just over four years and a lot has changed. Subs have definitely contributed, but only when I've worked with them. In any of these subs, i'm learning (and correct me if i'm wrong) there is a contradiction you have to learn to deal with.
That is that you can't really control how the sub affects you, but you're responsible for making it work. How can you make it work or achieve that holy grail of being someone who 'executes' when you can't actually control what happens? I
I don't know the full answer, what i guess though, what's worked so far to some success for me is, being heavily intentional, never depending on the subs (although you kind of are) knowing that with or without subs, you have a goal and you're going to get there. To beat a contradictory problem, you have to have a contradictory approach. Hopefully that makes sense.
I could probably go on, but i think that gives the general gist of it. I wanted to move to DMSI just for shits and giggles but after two days of running it, found myself surrounded by insanely gorgeous women, I was horny as hell, and then i realized that if i stay on this any longer I'll cheat on my GF which isn't aligned with what i fundamentally value (Shannon, a couples sub would be the shit...please? )
Back to MLS now. I am enjoying coming back to this sub. Curiosity is rising, and coupled with my self esteem practices, i'm actually having fun with it - as with anything though the challenge remains to keep on confronting where i'm not taking responsibility, where i'm not facing down unpleasant realities; the sub supports in that too, i'm giving myself the goals of more deeply integrating self esteem resilience through practicing it and modelling others who have it.
I also should add, that something new is happening, i've realised that i'm a kinesthetic learner, and so now when i'm reading i find myself using movement and emotion to integrate and understand the information. Its a limitation learning like this in a very analytical, technical profession though, so whilst it works, its' making me consider what i could do where this style of cognition is better suited. Perhaps something more people facing or creative.
Who knows.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
