03-21-2018, 03:55 PM
Fear of success. Fear of responsibility. I thought about posting a new subliminal suggestion, but it's only since my emotions were hijacked about 45 minutes ago, before leaving work.
Just before leaving, I went and spoke quickly to my #2 boss, who's in charge of new drivers. Yesterday, I'd went to my neurologist to have him clear me (no seizures since 2005), and I was told I needed another test, which I've scheduled 2 weeks from now. I told my boss this info, seeking some emotional response, and his reaction had me remembering times in my professional life when, while saying "I want this", I heard repeatedly in my head "I want to fail". When he reacted, being quick to dismiss me (he was actually walking out quickly when I intercepted him), I flashed back.
Why did this affect me?
Probably, mostly, since I look at him and think of him like a father figure. I sought support.
Since failure.....was the easiest option for me--all my family's done it. Mom, one brother, the other too. Dad. All a colossal shame spiral. I've imagined it myself loads of times when discouraged.
Since failure also meant I might be alone--meaning safe. Noone knowing kept me safe (I thought).
I just don't want to go back to that. It was unbearable. I also am unsure how/where to go forward. The next step is all I have.
If it makes any sense, I have been thinking about what success means to me........for since childhood I've always relied on others to name it. I felt shame deeply about myself, so "success" brought fear of losing it, and it slowly, steadily went into images of self-destruction--drinking and isolation mostly. Me not being a drinker had me continually eyeing other people's success, or ideas of success, but fearing it. It took years, but I realized I was constantly pretending. I knew someday they'd learn that all of me felt ashamed and undesirable.
It's actually why I stayed in teaching so many years. Kids are easy to please and will quickly return whatever emotion given out to them. If I'm distant, they will be too. If I'm caring and helpful, I've witnessed it be contagious. I felt successful teaching since I could create a new atmosphere each and every day. Kids are easy to lead when they know you care about them.
But the reason I never moved beyond my (lesser) position is that.....I felt like a failure inside around other adults. I took classes, many certification classes. I just felt terrified I'd be ashamed if they really knew. I believed I was a failure and unworthy of the successes I had.
I flashed back to this today. Same feelings. A new environment.
Let's see if writing helped me. Listening to SE hybrid.
Just before leaving, I went and spoke quickly to my #2 boss, who's in charge of new drivers. Yesterday, I'd went to my neurologist to have him clear me (no seizures since 2005), and I was told I needed another test, which I've scheduled 2 weeks from now. I told my boss this info, seeking some emotional response, and his reaction had me remembering times in my professional life when, while saying "I want this", I heard repeatedly in my head "I want to fail". When he reacted, being quick to dismiss me (he was actually walking out quickly when I intercepted him), I flashed back.
Why did this affect me?
Probably, mostly, since I look at him and think of him like a father figure. I sought support.
Since failure.....was the easiest option for me--all my family's done it. Mom, one brother, the other too. Dad. All a colossal shame spiral. I've imagined it myself loads of times when discouraged.
Since failure also meant I might be alone--meaning safe. Noone knowing kept me safe (I thought).
I just don't want to go back to that. It was unbearable. I also am unsure how/where to go forward. The next step is all I have.
If it makes any sense, I have been thinking about what success means to me........for since childhood I've always relied on others to name it. I felt shame deeply about myself, so "success" brought fear of losing it, and it slowly, steadily went into images of self-destruction--drinking and isolation mostly. Me not being a drinker had me continually eyeing other people's success, or ideas of success, but fearing it. It took years, but I realized I was constantly pretending. I knew someday they'd learn that all of me felt ashamed and undesirable.
It's actually why I stayed in teaching so many years. Kids are easy to please and will quickly return whatever emotion given out to them. If I'm distant, they will be too. If I'm caring and helpful, I've witnessed it be contagious. I felt successful teaching since I could create a new atmosphere each and every day. Kids are easy to lead when they know you care about them.
But the reason I never moved beyond my (lesser) position is that.....I felt like a failure inside around other adults. I took classes, many certification classes. I just felt terrified I'd be ashamed if they really knew. I believed I was a failure and unworthy of the successes I had.
I flashed back to this today. Same feelings. A new environment.
Let's see if writing helped me. Listening to SE hybrid.
I want to be FREE!
