03-13-2018, 06:54 AM
I've been in an in-between mode lately. I'm making decisions to move forward, mostly in areas I've really not moved forward on, like career and money moves. I've been radically scared for years, but even the shame and low self worth I felt from hiding/failing was bearable vs. the panic I'd feel when I felt forced to move forward.
I still have fear--I'm still hanging on to it--evidenced by a feeling of sadness that just came up while writing. But SE is steadily challenging and battling my "I'm unworthy" beliefs.
Today I'm both studying for my CDL (commercial drivers license) for work, and also working with a trader I've known for a while. 10 years ago, I'd feel the same fear I'm feeling now, and hide out quickly. I'd call out of work, hide in 12 step meetings or not go, and distance myself from anyone close. I'd be in FU mode, needing to escape. Isolation was my peace. I'd hide in a movie, novel, or anywhere else I'd not face reality.
I even came here (literally) between "I'm making progress" and "I want comfort". I feel some shame when sharing the latter, but I'm seeing hands (in my mind) desperately trying to hang on. On. Off. On. Off. Maybe I'm building strength in other areas, and the fear and shame is losing its fervor.
I do need support. I've been imagining me going back to a 12 step meeting a few times. Me going with the same tools, techniques, and lies is out. I won't repeat that. I can't. Won't. I don't wish to do my "not me" approach. I'm seeing new possibilities at times, and I've not gone yet. I am not ready yet. No pretending.
I just realized I look into the future and instantly imagine failure and shame. I've not looked into the future much lately :-). I hurt myself by doing this.
Some things are changing.
I still have fear--I'm still hanging on to it--evidenced by a feeling of sadness that just came up while writing. But SE is steadily challenging and battling my "I'm unworthy" beliefs.
Today I'm both studying for my CDL (commercial drivers license) for work, and also working with a trader I've known for a while. 10 years ago, I'd feel the same fear I'm feeling now, and hide out quickly. I'd call out of work, hide in 12 step meetings or not go, and distance myself from anyone close. I'd be in FU mode, needing to escape. Isolation was my peace. I'd hide in a movie, novel, or anywhere else I'd not face reality.
I even came here (literally) between "I'm making progress" and "I want comfort". I feel some shame when sharing the latter, but I'm seeing hands (in my mind) desperately trying to hang on. On. Off. On. Off. Maybe I'm building strength in other areas, and the fear and shame is losing its fervor.
I do need support. I've been imagining me going back to a 12 step meeting a few times. Me going with the same tools, techniques, and lies is out. I won't repeat that. I can't. Won't. I don't wish to do my "not me" approach. I'm seeing new possibilities at times, and I've not gone yet. I am not ready yet. No pretending.
I just realized I look into the future and instantly imagine failure and shame. I've not looked into the future much lately :-). I hurt myself by doing this.
Some things are changing.
I want to be FREE!
