03-10-2018, 03:36 PM
Why am I afraid?
I'm home today, having been up late last night doing reading online due to lots of coffee late. I've been home today, I cancelled on my normal gathering tonight, and I resumed some work on a Youtube business I'm creating.
I'm responding to Shannon's message actually, as I'm seeing my fear of change hanging on and making itself known. And wow--I realized something very clearly this last hour. In short, the major fear I've held (or has held me) is a fear of abandonment. I'll clarify.
If I can make money online, I may have people abandon me by me not being so reliable or dependable for my present job.
Also, I've been eyeing investment avenues, trading avenues....and I'll regularly start/stop/start/stop moving forward. I'll look into an opportunity, realize its profitability.......and will realize I equate it with "I'll abandon people". So, it's shelved. I've done this almost 4 years now, mostly since I've been looking at ways to earn money outside my regular job. The abandonment feeling has stayed, non-stop. Old fear has hung onto me these last 24 hours while home.
I'll run SE for a number of months, but does it tend to work heavily on disempowering old beliefs if they clash with subliminal goals? I've had this fear my whole life. It's directed every major decision I have ever made. Without a doubt.
Along those same lines, I resumed my Youtube channel creation today......and my focus on this was matched with a fear of abandonment, a very uncomfortable feeling. I stayed on it over an hour, and I finally pulled off it. I had SE running on my PC here, so being considerate of myself became a priority.
Lastly, I said I cancelled my meeting with my normal Saturday guys. I'll share my "why". When I began Universal Detox, I was meeting with them then, and my "lie detector" was loud and clear. At that time, we were doing a 12 step study before the meeting, and I could safely vent my honest feelings and reactions during my sharing times. UD has this "lie detector" in it, and I think SE does too.
But now, our step study is over, and I'm very bothered by one guy's perpetual denial of his life. As a former addict, he tries to be a perpetual optimist, but his lack of awareness is showing up in his side business (in debt constantly) and with his family, who share he's not around most of the time. I come to see these 2 guys, wish to be honest and genuine, and am met up with hyped denial. I don't mix with that. I have held on to these "friends" for months due to this fear of feeling abandoned--I realize that now.
I've been writing here almost 20 minutes. I've wondered if I will say what I need to. I sit here now, realizing a sadness is rising in me. Shannon said letting go was needed......... Today I thought of that, and out loud said "ok". I wish to face my pain, if I need to. Like my friend, I've held onto perpetual denial of my life. Uggg. I've not accepted him since...I've not accepted me.
I wish to/want to accept myself, whether in pain or in jubilation. (Will SE do this?)
I'm home today, having been up late last night doing reading online due to lots of coffee late. I've been home today, I cancelled on my normal gathering tonight, and I resumed some work on a Youtube business I'm creating.
I'm responding to Shannon's message actually, as I'm seeing my fear of change hanging on and making itself known. And wow--I realized something very clearly this last hour. In short, the major fear I've held (or has held me) is a fear of abandonment. I'll clarify.
If I can make money online, I may have people abandon me by me not being so reliable or dependable for my present job.
Also, I've been eyeing investment avenues, trading avenues....and I'll regularly start/stop/start/stop moving forward. I'll look into an opportunity, realize its profitability.......and will realize I equate it with "I'll abandon people". So, it's shelved. I've done this almost 4 years now, mostly since I've been looking at ways to earn money outside my regular job. The abandonment feeling has stayed, non-stop. Old fear has hung onto me these last 24 hours while home.
I'll run SE for a number of months, but does it tend to work heavily on disempowering old beliefs if they clash with subliminal goals? I've had this fear my whole life. It's directed every major decision I have ever made. Without a doubt.
Along those same lines, I resumed my Youtube channel creation today......and my focus on this was matched with a fear of abandonment, a very uncomfortable feeling. I stayed on it over an hour, and I finally pulled off it. I had SE running on my PC here, so being considerate of myself became a priority.
Lastly, I said I cancelled my meeting with my normal Saturday guys. I'll share my "why". When I began Universal Detox, I was meeting with them then, and my "lie detector" was loud and clear. At that time, we were doing a 12 step study before the meeting, and I could safely vent my honest feelings and reactions during my sharing times. UD has this "lie detector" in it, and I think SE does too.
But now, our step study is over, and I'm very bothered by one guy's perpetual denial of his life. As a former addict, he tries to be a perpetual optimist, but his lack of awareness is showing up in his side business (in debt constantly) and with his family, who share he's not around most of the time. I come to see these 2 guys, wish to be honest and genuine, and am met up with hyped denial. I don't mix with that. I have held on to these "friends" for months due to this fear of feeling abandoned--I realize that now.
I've been writing here almost 20 minutes. I've wondered if I will say what I need to. I sit here now, realizing a sadness is rising in me. Shannon said letting go was needed......... Today I thought of that, and out loud said "ok". I wish to face my pain, if I need to. Like my friend, I've held onto perpetual denial of my life. Uggg. I've not accepted him since...I've not accepted me.
I wish to/want to accept myself, whether in pain or in jubilation. (Will SE do this?)
I want to be FREE!
