Well, I began SE again, after quitting after one week.
I'm on it. The honesty thing is kicking in, slower than after UD, but it's there. It's been only 3 days now. I followed Ben's suggestion, began it, and have been reading guy's journals on SE.
I have no idea how to package my feelings in words presently, so I'm just writing.
My first day after listening (at night), I began realizing quite clearly how often I've put so much trust into persons, for a single reason: to have them love me in some way. It's my major motivation to go to work today. I'm working with a new driver on our route, he's been nervous, and I imagined a bit throughout the day all the times I've sidelined all directions, plans, and goals of my life to focus on another's. I've totally s*** on myself to "help" someone else to extract some kind of love.
Today I couldn't do that. Not really. I don't understand why.
I remember fearing I'd suck the life/emotions out of him (imagining killing the friendship fast).................and I didn't share that needy part of me. I am in a clearing phase. I'll allow it, keep reading other's experiences...... .......... and (f***) write. Tell someone. Share here.
Grief. I feel this sad, powerful energy wanting to come out--I'm "trying" to be in control--despite me "knowing" it'll be best to let it out. I ran from this same feeling while on UD. I feared (Shannon's words here) that I'd lose "me". The only one I've ever known. Like I'd not know what to do without my emotionless, numb wall up. Like I'd never stop crying.
One day minute second. at a time.
I need help. Friendships. People I can rely on. People I can be honest with. Be me with.
I have no "packages" of me. I just have me. I am just me.
No idea what I just wrote
I'm on it. The honesty thing is kicking in, slower than after UD, but it's there. It's been only 3 days now. I followed Ben's suggestion, began it, and have been reading guy's journals on SE.
I have no idea how to package my feelings in words presently, so I'm just writing.
My first day after listening (at night), I began realizing quite clearly how often I've put so much trust into persons, for a single reason: to have them love me in some way. It's my major motivation to go to work today. I'm working with a new driver on our route, he's been nervous, and I imagined a bit throughout the day all the times I've sidelined all directions, plans, and goals of my life to focus on another's. I've totally s*** on myself to "help" someone else to extract some kind of love.
Today I couldn't do that. Not really. I don't understand why.
I remember fearing I'd suck the life/emotions out of him (imagining killing the friendship fast).................and I didn't share that needy part of me. I am in a clearing phase. I'll allow it, keep reading other's experiences...... .......... and (f***) write. Tell someone. Share here.
Grief. I feel this sad, powerful energy wanting to come out--I'm "trying" to be in control--despite me "knowing" it'll be best to let it out. I ran from this same feeling while on UD. I feared (Shannon's words here) that I'd lose "me". The only one I've ever known. Like I'd not know what to do without my emotionless, numb wall up. Like I'd never stop crying.
One day minute second. at a time.
I need help. Friendships. People I can rely on. People I can be honest with. Be me with.
I have no "packages" of me. I just have me. I am just me.
No idea what I just wrote
I want to be FREE!
