01-15-2018, 04:17 PM
I need to share something.
I had a pleasant day with my coworker. I'd been a bit befuddled mentally in the morning (listened too long yesterday), yet. Yet. My coworker, here and there, began opening himself up to me about life experiences, his feelings around certain coworkers, and beliefs on certain topics. Nothing major, but since he's like 3 steps down from the head boss, he's a recent Army combat veteran (over 3 tours), and he doesn't make friends easily, I realized he was attempting a friendship with me. He wanted to be an equal. He wanted to feel safe being himself. He was trusting me.
Well, about 10 minutes before we got back to our shop, he began talking about some coworkers he didn't trust, and why. While he was talking, I realized that I can be exactly like some of those men--giving myself away for wrong reasons, only to receive some attention (attention was love to me growing up).
I considered opening up with this very truth.............but didn't. I almost got honest with him. I almost did. I almost trusted him, in my actions.
So, what I realized is: I'd sat listening, and when he got honest, I checked my own honesty. I realized I lie to myself first, as if it's a game and I'm hiding--from me. There's no pride sharing that. It's my "scared to share/scared to know/hidden all the time" truth.
Shit. That's it.
I began crying just now, just a little.
How do I not abandon myself so much?
How do I love myself?
How can I heal the wounded part of myself? (I own E2 and UD)
Being real here--well, I had to squelch fear to write this. I had a big cup of coffee to do this, and it's almost 7PM. (head-smack)
P.S. I have been listening to SE on hybrid as I write. Last night, I read Shannon's description of PTPA 5.5 .......and it sounded like me. I owned that description. (E2 has PTPA..........)
I'm unsure how to handle this, having no clear "do this, do that" instructions. My head is trying to be louder than my heart. Going to post this now.
I had a pleasant day with my coworker. I'd been a bit befuddled mentally in the morning (listened too long yesterday), yet. Yet. My coworker, here and there, began opening himself up to me about life experiences, his feelings around certain coworkers, and beliefs on certain topics. Nothing major, but since he's like 3 steps down from the head boss, he's a recent Army combat veteran (over 3 tours), and he doesn't make friends easily, I realized he was attempting a friendship with me. He wanted to be an equal. He wanted to feel safe being himself. He was trusting me.
Well, about 10 minutes before we got back to our shop, he began talking about some coworkers he didn't trust, and why. While he was talking, I realized that I can be exactly like some of those men--giving myself away for wrong reasons, only to receive some attention (attention was love to me growing up).
I considered opening up with this very truth.............but didn't. I almost got honest with him. I almost did. I almost trusted him, in my actions.
So, what I realized is: I'd sat listening, and when he got honest, I checked my own honesty. I realized I lie to myself first, as if it's a game and I'm hiding--from me. There's no pride sharing that. It's my "scared to share/scared to know/hidden all the time" truth.
Shit. That's it.
I began crying just now, just a little.
How do I not abandon myself so much?
How do I love myself?
How can I heal the wounded part of myself? (I own E2 and UD)
Being real here--well, I had to squelch fear to write this. I had a big cup of coffee to do this, and it's almost 7PM. (head-smack)
P.S. I have been listening to SE on hybrid as I write. Last night, I read Shannon's description of PTPA 5.5 .......and it sounded like me. I owned that description. (E2 has PTPA..........)
I'm unsure how to handle this, having no clear "do this, do that" instructions. My head is trying to be louder than my heart. Going to post this now.
I want to be FREE!
