01-14-2018, 03:07 PM
My mom called, and I picked it up. I felt like hiding, so my voice was low initially. I hid behind the excuse of working 6 days this week, yet I was simultaneously hoping I could come out of my preset "I don't want to be honest with you" mode.
I relaxed, forcing nothing on myself, aware I could lie, but I didn't want to. It was a pleasant enough conversation for me, though my one sharing of why I'd not called.........was not me being emotionally honest. I totally dodged the elephant in the room, saying I'd began being aware of old feelings and held off from calling back since it was all my stuff, not hers. So, maybe I was being dishonest with her to not stress her. It didn't and doesn't sit well with me. I felt and acted like a little boy afraid of being punished.
What I'm saying is that lying/hiding/dodging the truth does not build my self esteem. I lied to myself to cope with her possible (imagined) disappointment, and I deserve better treatment--from myself.
Did I just write that?
I relaxed, forcing nothing on myself, aware I could lie, but I didn't want to. It was a pleasant enough conversation for me, though my one sharing of why I'd not called.........was not me being emotionally honest. I totally dodged the elephant in the room, saying I'd began being aware of old feelings and held off from calling back since it was all my stuff, not hers. So, maybe I was being dishonest with her to not stress her. It didn't and doesn't sit well with me. I felt and acted like a little boy afraid of being punished.
What I'm saying is that lying/hiding/dodging the truth does not build my self esteem. I lied to myself to cope with her possible (imagined) disappointment, and I deserve better treatment--from myself.
Did I just write that?
I want to be FREE!
