07-18-2017, 08:52 PM
So i'm starting to see little shifts and new awareness to my own patterns, I noticed a few things in the gym today.
First there's the practice I got from dialoguing yesterday of when I am somewhere around girls and I feel myself wanting her approval or feeling like she is the 'solution' to feel good that i'll tune into myself and reconnect with myself in a way i've been doing while alone and realize I can create the good feelings inside.
Well I realized it was valuable extending this to everyone not just girls. And I started to see the little ways that make me feel rejected and become aware of how I was doing that in a way I wasn't before.
For example a guy who's meant to be a friend come in with a girl. And he was all weird and grumpy and wouldn't say much to me but was talking to her tons. And I was getting annoyed that because she is a sexy girl he was being all nice and stuff and not in a bad mood with her. Then I realized "well fuck.. I do this too".
And I started to become aware of how I kind of felt 'rejected' and I reconnected inside then I realized "I can't control how he's responding, all I can control is how I respond, and in fact if I respond by getting angry and annoyed towards him that will just make it worse" and I felt a little better. And after that he started talking to me a bit more.
Also the girl he was with is someone for some reason i've just liked for years though I haven't talked to that much. I had this weird obsession, though not as much anymore though I still think she's sexy. Today she seemed totally different the way I perceived her, just listening to her talk she just seemed more sweet where before I felt she was just kind of bitchy and weird. The only difference is me internally and working to connect inside.
And even more, this other girl come in the gym.. she has a massive ass... I swear every time I see her her ass is bigger. I did talk to her but it seemed a little weird and awkward, when I said hi to her she smiled. But here's the thing, I was really attracted to her but today I was looking at her and like "I don't feel that attracted to her today, in fact her body shape looks kind of weird, her ass is too big."
In general I feel like the 'aura' isn't there at all, like i'm not getting some of the reactions I was getting when i'd talk to people. And it's kind of frustrating, but the focus is learning not to care about peoples reactions and to be grounded in myself over anything else.. hence the Inner Bonding work.
The other thing I noticed today too is how i'll reflexively take certain things as someone 'attacking' me or having a go at me and start to respond by having a go back at them... and in the middle of it a few times today I stopped and realized I didn't have to react that way and that it may not necessarily be the case. And reacted in a different way, and I felt better for it.
A few other little subtleties.. today is the first day i've started becoming aware of shifts around this, i've been responding in certain ways, feeling rejected in certain ways from little things but never been aware of it when it's happening until today. So what i've been doing is making progress, though subtle.
First there's the practice I got from dialoguing yesterday of when I am somewhere around girls and I feel myself wanting her approval or feeling like she is the 'solution' to feel good that i'll tune into myself and reconnect with myself in a way i've been doing while alone and realize I can create the good feelings inside.
Well I realized it was valuable extending this to everyone not just girls. And I started to see the little ways that make me feel rejected and become aware of how I was doing that in a way I wasn't before.
For example a guy who's meant to be a friend come in with a girl. And he was all weird and grumpy and wouldn't say much to me but was talking to her tons. And I was getting annoyed that because she is a sexy girl he was being all nice and stuff and not in a bad mood with her. Then I realized "well fuck.. I do this too".
And I started to become aware of how I kind of felt 'rejected' and I reconnected inside then I realized "I can't control how he's responding, all I can control is how I respond, and in fact if I respond by getting angry and annoyed towards him that will just make it worse" and I felt a little better. And after that he started talking to me a bit more.
Also the girl he was with is someone for some reason i've just liked for years though I haven't talked to that much. I had this weird obsession, though not as much anymore though I still think she's sexy. Today she seemed totally different the way I perceived her, just listening to her talk she just seemed more sweet where before I felt she was just kind of bitchy and weird. The only difference is me internally and working to connect inside.
And even more, this other girl come in the gym.. she has a massive ass... I swear every time I see her her ass is bigger. I did talk to her but it seemed a little weird and awkward, when I said hi to her she smiled. But here's the thing, I was really attracted to her but today I was looking at her and like "I don't feel that attracted to her today, in fact her body shape looks kind of weird, her ass is too big."
In general I feel like the 'aura' isn't there at all, like i'm not getting some of the reactions I was getting when i'd talk to people. And it's kind of frustrating, but the focus is learning not to care about peoples reactions and to be grounded in myself over anything else.. hence the Inner Bonding work.
The other thing I noticed today too is how i'll reflexively take certain things as someone 'attacking' me or having a go at me and start to respond by having a go back at them... and in the middle of it a few times today I stopped and realized I didn't have to react that way and that it may not necessarily be the case. And reacted in a different way, and I felt better for it.
A few other little subtleties.. today is the first day i've started becoming aware of shifts around this, i've been responding in certain ways, feeling rejected in certain ways from little things but never been aware of it when it's happening until today. So what i've been doing is making progress, though subtle.
