A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)

[Benjamin]

Facing this stuff is not something I want to do.. but I have to. It feels much safer and fun to cover it up by getting sex, or to distract myself... even old urges have come back a few times today like working a night in a nightclub or getting into a fight.. anything that is intense and gets my mind off it. I haven't had that urge for a while.

Seriously.. even getting drunk seems preferable right now. And I don't drink, I haven't touched it in years and usually have no desire to at all. I've never been fully drunk in my life.

Almost anything to avoid myself and dealing with this shit.

The big conflict..

On one hand I want girls and sex so much.

On another hand I just want the pain of having to have a girl to make me feel better, of wanting their approval so much, of thinking about it so much.

And another part of me I just want them to fuck off alltogether because of all the bullshit, how they fuck me around and me not putting up with it also causes pain as half the time it ends it but it's still better than being one of these whipped guys in a relationship who has no free will of his own, no sex or anything.. and because of all the pain caused by it half wanting to basically be a monk. But then I can't because of the previous thing of caring so much and wanting to have it so much.

But the fear of if I let this go i'll end up an asexual thing with no drive or care about achieving anything and I might just sit there and go 'ommm' or something.

I haven't been in this place for quite a while, but it makes sense that when things were going good with girls that these feelings were temporarily covered up, but they always come back up. One thought i'm having is that DMSI is simply buying into this issue by the very nature of the program (using it to get sex) and that I should stop so I can more fully deal with these issues.

Of course at the same time it seems that DMSI is exactly what brought me to finally be like "FUCK IT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS" a month or so ago and that has me thinking of it all the time and working on it daily with Inner Bonding.

Sway testing confirms that DMSI and Inner Bonding together are most effective for me to deal with the abandonment issues compared to either by itself. I tested that again last night. And damn.. it feels like it's been ages, but it's been only 11 days since I made the decision to finally start working on it every day and committed to atleast another 3 months of DMSI Version A.

EDIT: Ok seems like I was doing Inner Bonding from the 30/6/17.

On the whole I have very little energy to 'reach out' or make any effort with girls right now but under that there's still that emptiness wanting to be filled by them.

[Blacksheep]

(....)

[apollolux]

Is there a way you can consciously shift your current reasoning for sex to become a method for qualifying women's potential, sexual and/or romantic?

[Benjamin]

I know a book that might help you with this problem. It's called Integra Protocol by Vladimir Stojakovic.

It's all about integrating contradictory "aspects" of your personality that conflict with one another. I've not read it, but I'm going to, and it got amazing reviews on amazon and certain other websites I frequent.

If you dislike thag book, there is another one called Core Transformation by Connierae Andreas that is the exact same process

Funny you say that, I did buy that book when it first come out. I tried it briefly, not enough to really 'get' it and when I mentioned looking at other effective methods I might do at some stage that was one of them.

It's mainly wanting to hold off other things except for Inner Bonding which is helping at the moment for atleast the 3 month period I committed to. The more things I add the more potential for conflict.

What benefits have you noticed from doing Integra Protocol?

Is there a way you can consciously shift your current reasoning for sex to become a method for qualifying women's potential, sexual and/or romantic?

I have more moved towards that on E2 and some on DMSI in that I more want girls that I can enjoy in other ways.

Hmm.. actually I read that again and I like it. Yes a big part of compatability for me is good sex.. what I was saying in the first sentence is that's also expanded to wanting to enjoy them in other ways.

The challenge is finding both, sometimes the girl is cool and her personality is awesome, shes fun but she's awkward with sex. Then others the sex is good but past that I don't want to hang out with them. I'd rather the first one out of both of those, but ideally they have both qualities.

[Benjamin]

I woke up feeling way more relaxed today.

But it was interesting, I installed POF and tinder again in my frustration yesterday. I messaged 1 girl and checked when I got into bed and she replied. All of a sudden I felt good, cam and peaceful.

And i'm like "fuck.. i'm only feeling this because I got a positive response" and then thought more "Well actually, i'm creating this myself it's just the external outside response that seems to be triggering it.. I wonder if I could learn to actually create these feelings in myself and be grounded in them instead of expecting them from the outside?".

I haven't replied back. In fact I considered that right now doing this work it is most likely a better idea to disconnect from girls completely because that's when all those feelings come up, and if there is girls I can't know if i'm feeling good, calm and 'complete' temporarily just because they showed positive attention.

But it's hard to let go that she seemed pretty interested in her reply back.

[Benjamin]

The dialogue today was simple.. I explored doing a reparenting meditation and whether it would suit and the answer was yes and to do it twice a day, when I first goto bed before I put DMSI on and before I get up in the morning.

I've already been doing my own version of it that come from one of the dialogues for about a week around imagining myself expressing my anger to her then reconnecting with her and feeling the love that I didn't get. It did help calm down the intensity I felt yesterday but there is some blockage to me fully allowing myself to feel it, still I feel it's helping.

And will continue that through the day aswell as this other one twice a day.

And the other thing is something i'm resisting doing, my higher self (also part of Inner Bonding) said to delete my dating profiles while doing this process for atleast 30 days.

You can imagine with how i've used that as a coping mechanism for so many years how much I don't want to do that.

But as i've discovered for the moment being with girls potentially covers up the emotions i'm trying to deal with. Though if the opportunity comes up I can't say i'd say no to it, i'll just work on focusing on myself for atleast these 30 days.

So Reparenting meditation started 16/7/17 Atleast 30 days twice a day, when I goto bed before putting on DMSI and just before getting up.

So yeah my journals not going to be anything 'sexy' for a while, it's just gonna be more of this stuff because this is what I need.

[Darkness]

And your journal will remain a must read nonetheless

[Benjamin]

Thanks man, glad you enjoy it.

Alot of guys are on the 'more and more sex bandwagon' especially people who have never had sex and that's understandable and for them they will tune it out.

And honestly I would have like a year ago and I have for years even though i've read all these things about what i'm realizing now. But it's not as 'real' until you really come to it yourself.

[Benjamin]

Stuggling with all this crap coming up.

I'm starting to understand it more from listening to an Inner Bonding course that is more in depth and exploring reasons why and i'm working on it daily.. it kind of feels like there's not much progress, for a bit it seems ok then comes back in force like today.

This is the first time in a long time i've intentionally disconnected from chasing girls and it's coming up strong and feels like sex is the solution to everything, will make everything feel better etc.. which it won't other than temporarily, then there's the next and the next.

And intentionally saying "ok for these 30 days atleast I won't go for girls" though i'll still talk to them at the gym and stuff, just not to 'achieve' anything is bringing up wanting to look at porn to feel better, kind of like "Oh that option isn't there, we will goto the next closest coping mechanism."

The other thing annoying me is I just can't seem to not think about the girl who I was seeing and being frustrated and hurt that obviously it's over because of barely anything. On one hand I want to reach out and maybe like last time i'll see her again, on the other hand it's like "fuck you" and realizing it will just buy into the abandonment issues and i'll feel good temporarily if I end up still with her and I likely won't work as much on this issue like i've been doing.

It again leads me to believe that DMSI/OE brought on that situation and the last one to lead me towards healing this thing.

I had a dream last night where I was laying with 2 girls in bikinis, it was kind of weird like I was there with them but not able to do anything. One got up and took her bikini top off and kind of turned around and looked like she was showing it off but pretending not to.

Then she bent over and took the bottoms off and was playing with herself, and when I looked I felt like I was doing something wrong and she gave me this look that brings up familiar feelings, like a girl will obviously but herself in a position or wear something where of course you can't not look and she wants you to if she's doing that but then tries to make you feel guilty. She gave me this weird disgusted look, then looked at the other girl and looked like she was more doing it for her.

I had my hand on the other girls hip but did nothing. Then for some reason I was suddenly naked and getting hard and before I woke up I was about to start touching myself in the dream.

When I woke up I had this very brief feeling of "I can have sex with almost any girl I want" combined with sexual feelings filling my body.

But almost as soon as I noticed and enjoyed it the same self sabotage come up saying "Can I let it go" that has been coming up as long as I remember, atleast since AM6 and it went away.

And the last thing.. so all these feelings coming up and I can't use sex to escape them, or porn and masturbation so other coping mechanisms are coming up like wanting to play games for example. Inner Bonding talks about using these addictions to avoid taking responsibility for your feelings.

I'm a little confused because it's like "I have to do SOMETHING'. I can't just sit there all day and feel these feelings all day and do nothing.

Though I did have the urge to draw and as a creative outlet I found on E2 it seemed to help more, but then alot of judging myself come up (one of the way we abandon ourselves and our inner child) and I started to feel bad and stopped.

So how do I find things to do that aren't these addictions that i'm using to escape my feelings? Because nearly anything could be seen as that.

Though things like a warm bath, going for a walk, drawing, writing, going out in nature and such.. actually have a different feeling to them and I feel they are more suited and not as much of a distraction but instead more of caring for yourself.

As I listen to the course more i'll get more ideas as well as refine the Inner Bonding process, because it's obvious i'm missing a few steps just going from the book.

EDIT: Oh and another 'addiction' that comes up is arguing on the internet. Even if I know i'm right, even if it's something i'm passionate about, even if things people are saying are stupid, even if it feels really justified... it's of no value to me and just another way to feel something, to feel like i'm doing something, or achieving something.. which i'm really not doing so.

The WORST by far is facebook.. the amount of incredibly stupid idiotic retarded shit people post on there (I could add more words to that) articles they share and such make me sometimes hate the world and where it's heading and some of it I instantly just want to post how stupid it is under the article or whatever. Time to deactivate it again for a while.

[Benjamin]

So i'm starting to see little shifts and new awareness to my own patterns, I noticed a few things in the gym today.

First there's the practice I got from dialoguing yesterday of when I am somewhere around girls and I feel myself wanting her approval or feeling like she is the 'solution' to feel good that i'll tune into myself and reconnect with myself in a way i've been doing while alone and realize I can create the good feelings inside.

Well I realized it was valuable extending this to everyone not just girls. And I started to see the little ways that make me feel rejected and become aware of how I was doing that in a way I wasn't before.

For example a guy who's meant to be a friend come in with a girl. And he was all weird and grumpy and wouldn't say much to me but was talking to her tons. And I was getting annoyed that because she is a sexy girl he was being all nice and stuff and not in a bad mood with her. Then I realized "well fuck.. I do this too".

And I started to become aware of how I kind of felt 'rejected' and I reconnected inside then I realized "I can't control how he's responding, all I can control is how I respond, and in fact if I respond by getting angry and annoyed towards him that will just make it worse" and I felt a little better. And after that he started talking to me a bit more.

Also the girl he was with is someone for some reason i've just liked for years though I haven't talked to that much. I had this weird obsession, though not as much anymore though I still think she's sexy. Today she seemed totally different the way I perceived her, just listening to her talk she just seemed more sweet where before I felt she was just kind of bitchy and weird. The only difference is me internally and working to connect inside.

And even more, this other girl come in the gym.. she has a massive ass... I swear every time I see her her ass is bigger. I did talk to her but it seemed a little weird and awkward, when I said hi to her she smiled. But here's the thing, I was really attracted to her but today I was looking at her and like "I don't feel that attracted to her today, in fact her body shape looks kind of weird, her ass is too big."

In general I feel like the 'aura' isn't there at all, like i'm not getting some of the reactions I was getting when i'd talk to people. And it's kind of frustrating, but the focus is learning not to care about peoples reactions and to be grounded in myself over anything else.. hence the Inner Bonding work.

The other thing I noticed today too is how i'll reflexively take certain things as someone 'attacking' me or having a go at me and start to respond by having a go back at them... and in the middle of it a few times today I stopped and realized I didn't have to react that way and that it may not necessarily be the case. And reacted in a different way, and I felt better for it.

A few other little subtleties.. today is the first day i've started becoming aware of shifts around this, i've been responding in certain ways, feeling rejected in certain ways from little things but never been aware of it when it's happening until today. So what i've been doing is making progress, though subtle.

[Benjamin]

My intuition told me to recalculate the most effective and safe amount of loops for me again.

Just did the sway test. 4 loops of Version A now.

I assume that means ive made progress and now am ready to handle a little more input.

19/7/17 - 4 loops of Version A for now.

[Benjamin]

So after 4 loops last night.. my motivation has decreased to work on my abandonment, today I kind of can't be fucked where i've been keen for it most days.

I'll still do the same things i've been doing, but it's weird adding one more loop has had that effect.

When I got up it seemed that increasing loops shifted some focus from 'healing abandonment' to 'wanting to go for girls'. And desire to go back on POF again.

Which yes is the goal of the program in the end BUT healing the abandonment is more important.

EDIT: I think I made the mistake of thinking that DMSI was pushing me to go talk to more girls again, when actually it was just that it brought up the abandonment more. I did a dialogue with it and my Inner Child said "I've been rejected for so many years, I just want girls to make me feel better".

So it just defaulted to my coping mechanism because that's the habit.. where really acceptance is what I need to find inside. I worked with that a little and felt better.

[Benjamin]

When I went to bed last night a whole lot of forgiveness come up again and the process seemed to go for a while cycling through a whole lot of girls and forgiving them.

And then it seems a little bit of trauma may be left from when I was attacked several years ago as I heard something out the window and all this fear come up which is what used to happen after it but hasn't for years. I started to feel panic coming on but reassured myself it's nothing, it's just left over fear and that it's okay and it didn't stay for long after that.

One thing i'm unsure about at the moment is balancing 'being centered in myself and not looking outside to girls to make me happy' and 'appreciating them without trying to get anything.. as in checking them out and enjoying it without feeling like I need them to make me happy".

I recentered myself a few times at the gym and focused on my body. One thing that has seemed weird recently is that working on not getting the approval and such from them is that I am feeling a little less attraction to them in some cases and some days not even caring much about checking them out. And I was worried about it, I remember the same happening when I was doing EFT to let go of 'wanting' things from girls and went through a really weird stage and it felt 'wrong'.

Today I was checking them out again and it seemed a little more balanced.

There's this girl who is friends with the one I was seeing until a week or two ago, who I went to coffee with at the start of the year. I didn't talk to her much when I was with this girl as she seemed to be trying to sabotage it.

Well.. I think it now confirms it's because she liked me though she told the other girl "I don't like Ben, he's not my type, I don't like his car" haha.. yet flirts with me a fair bit and would always touch me, but stopped when I started dating the other girl. Now that i'm not she's more flirty again.

She took her shirt off and had these tight pants and a sports bra on and was asking me to take photos of her and posing. In some of the photos it showed me in the mirror and she said "Should I upload them so (the girl I was dating) will see them, she will be upset" and before that was like "we should take a selfie together and upload it for her" but then played it off like she was joking, but kind of seemed serious too.

Then she was getting me to take a photo of her back tattoo and I made a joke "I'm just taking a photo of your bum" and she cracked up and got all smiley.

Funny also is the other day when I talked to her she's like "(girl I was dating) when I messaged her asking how you were going asked me if I like you" then was like "no I have a man why was she asking that" but I could tell it was like she got caught out with it as she repeated it several times.

Then she lifted the back of her sports bra to show me the rest of her back tattoo.

I've been having thoughts of fucking her again. As in I haven't fucked her and I did have thoughts a while ago until I went on a date with her and found out her husband died and didn't want to take on that baggage.

But i'm having thoughts of it again for some reason. At this point I don't know if it's "I think it will make me feel better" or not, it seems less of that.

I also had the thought last night that if i'm judging my desires like that then it might add more guilt.. so at the moment it's finding the balance between learning to be connected in myself but still allowing those natural desires and when they come up not judging myself for them.

Because in my mind there's this weird image of someone who doesn't 'need' girls and is centered in themselves just won't ever bother to talk to them or anything and is this sexless type creature.

I don't know why, but it's possibly my mind playing tricks on me attempting to keep the abandonment and things i'm working on in tact..

It does seem like my mind is panicking and it's been throwing up some crazy shit that I can't seem to get out of my mind that I don't even want to mention here, but it's been disturbing me.

But I realized either last night or this morning it's possibly my mind throwing it up hoping to stop me working on this issue.

Because today I seen a small sneak peak of just flirting and enjoying yet not looking for the girl to make me happy as much. In the end I consciously decided to just go home and not try to follow it up.. to be able to have the interactions without being pissed off at myself for not doing something and such which never has helped in the past.

And atleast for a while not even try to take it anywhere and just learn to enjoy them with less 'trying to get something from them or have them make me happy'.

[Benjamin]

I've mentioned a few times in the past where i've woken up in a panic with fear in my body. Usually it only happens once. And the past times I also woke up sweaty and the fear/panic was there for a while and i'd just stay with it.

Well last night was a little different. I had it 3 times in a row, not long after each other each connected to dreaming something.

First a bird flew into my face and I woke up suddenly in a panic and it kind of felt like it really happened, then I fell asleep again and something else (I can't remember) and again a third time with something else I can't remember either.

Some of it was possibly related to being attacked and more around that. Because I remember at some stage thinking about it again and how maybe working with my Inner Child has allowed deeper parts of it to come up and be dealt with. It's interesting how I worked on it TONS with several methods and thought it was gone but there may still be a bit from it. In the last few years it hasn't been as disabling and obvious and seems like it had gone, but in some ways I still tend to isolate myself at times so who knows.. and that was one of the major effects of the trauma in the first place.

I got past it enough to lose weight, then enough to sleep at girls places again which I wouldn't for years.. now it seems a little more of it is being dealt with.. what specifically and what effect it might have i'm not sure.

I woke up today feeling like shit and when I went to the supermarket I felt like everyone was looking at me in a threatening kind of way.

I went to an osteopath and was going to go somewhere after it. But then decided to come home and do some Inner Bonding instead as that felt more important. It does seem recently i'm isolating myself again a little more, but i'm hoping that's just part of the process of reconnecting with myself more.