07-02-2017, 04:49 PM
Day 93
Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5-gja10qkw
Sub update, currently listening to 1 loop of Hybrid still, but these days I listen to the sub four days out of the week. This is more due to circumstances than anything else. I'm in the middle of a project and I can't afford to have a day where I'm mentally cloudy or unfocused. So, my sub listening is limited to Friday to Monday. I play the sub at night, and I listen exclusively on my Sennheiser HD 280's.
The right headphones make all the difference for me.
This post is primarily all about internal changes this week, because while there was some interesting developments on the personal front, I'll save those for the end of this update.
This week has been sort of masked with an underlying rage. Nothing that's bubbled up to the surface and caused me to lash out at anyone. It's just under the surface, and it burns brightly there. I've been working through it, using the time to focus on work items and I have been surprisingly really cool headed.
I can't remember the last time I let a work item break my cool. Catastrophe's can be occurring around me, and this past week there were a few, but it never once phased me. This is a HUGE change, as the one thing that has always swayed my mood in the past, has been my work. My personal feelings I can recalibrate pretty quickly, but my work is what I'm married to, hence, the ebb and flow of my emotional tides are mostly reflected there.
I believe this is an evolution of my new found IDGAF attitude that has become more and more prominent these days. Actually, it's not an IDGAF. I do. It's that my foundation is becoming stronger and stronger, and that's reflective in every aspect of my life now.
By the same token, there is this theme of death has been running rampant for the last few weeks also. I don't know if it's because I'm now at an age where the years behind me are almost equal to the years I have ahead of me, but time is a concept that I am grappling with everyday. I think this is what the mid-life crisis looks like.
I've been reading Dr. Strangelove's journal, and the conversation that took place between him and RT regarding marriage, and it was amazing to read. These are two men that love their wives and their families, have been open about the challenges that face them in their relationships and how they make it work.
I keep thinking to myself whether I could ever have a relationship like that with a woman again. The last time I was in a committed relationship was maybe 6 years ago, and it wasn't a relationship I was happy in. There were a lot of complicating factors as to why I was in it. I often think of that relationship as a repentance for myself, for how I handled some of my relationships when I was younger.
If I stop and think about it, what women do or how I interact with them never really meant much to me, because a woman could never own me. She doesn't have me, None of my girlfriends in the past had me. I loved some of them, I had amazing relationships, but it was a one-way street. I gave them what they needed, but I never let them in. No one has really gotten in since I was 17 years old.
Now, I'm older, so many things have happened in my life, and it's not that I need to give meaning to my existence, because that's an exercise in futility that we human beings put ourselves through, but I also ask myself how much more is there left ahead of me. How many more amazing experiences will I experience before I one day wake up and realize that it's amazing, but, It's a road I traversed somewhere else, as someone else, a time not long ago.
That's an obnoxious statement, and I realize that, but I wrote it out because I need to remember at some time in the future, where my head space was today.
Time is a factor that is weighing so heavily on my mind these days, time and the desire to just say f*ck it and go off on the road without a destination.
I also thought of a friend of mine today, who passed away two years ago. Before he passed we had a somewhat falling out, mostly because I got tired of his shit, and partially because he crossed a line that I couldn't look past. He tried to reach out to me several times before he passed away, but I just didn't make the effort to connect with him.
And then he passed away. His birthday is coming up in a few days. Life's a fragile thing.
When he was alive, I told a mutual friend of ours once that the best thing that could happen for him is if he passes away. He was so tortured and miserable in life, I felt that he would only find peace in death. I regret saying that. I've carried the guilt of those words for a long time. But even with all of my regret, there is a part of me that still believes its true. That he finally found the peace in death, that he never had when he was alive.
We're human, we're fragile. It's why we hurt, it's why we carry the weight of our pain with us through our lives, it's why we need healing in the first place, because it frees us from our own mental prisons that we've built based on the cruelty that others had shown us.
Things with Y ended earlier last week, when I told her that it's time for us to go our separate ways.
She wrote me back a cryptic message - she said that some people are meant to walk parallel paths, and that we are one of them.
I never replied to her message. Yesterday I was with a friend of mine who came up from DC for the weekend. We were walking through Chelsea Market and I saw Y. We looked right at each other, and passed by without saying a word. We were just strangers.
The feeling bothered me for a few moments and then it passed. I let her go. It felt like I erased 6 years of knowing someone in a matter of seconds.
I also had someone else I have known for some time reach out to me. She randomly texted me and said that a part of her would drop everything and everyone in her life for me, if I asked her to.
I would never ask her to. I don't want that burden.
This Friday night I'm due out with some friends. Irrespective of my mental state, I have a feeling that I will be executing. That's the irony of my current state. While my underlying thoughts are traversing through some significant emotional grounds, my physical state still executes.
I am both observer and participant in an ever fluctuating state of DMSI Altered Consciousness...
Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5-gja10qkw
Sub update, currently listening to 1 loop of Hybrid still, but these days I listen to the sub four days out of the week. This is more due to circumstances than anything else. I'm in the middle of a project and I can't afford to have a day where I'm mentally cloudy or unfocused. So, my sub listening is limited to Friday to Monday. I play the sub at night, and I listen exclusively on my Sennheiser HD 280's.
The right headphones make all the difference for me.
This post is primarily all about internal changes this week, because while there was some interesting developments on the personal front, I'll save those for the end of this update.
This week has been sort of masked with an underlying rage. Nothing that's bubbled up to the surface and caused me to lash out at anyone. It's just under the surface, and it burns brightly there. I've been working through it, using the time to focus on work items and I have been surprisingly really cool headed.
I can't remember the last time I let a work item break my cool. Catastrophe's can be occurring around me, and this past week there were a few, but it never once phased me. This is a HUGE change, as the one thing that has always swayed my mood in the past, has been my work. My personal feelings I can recalibrate pretty quickly, but my work is what I'm married to, hence, the ebb and flow of my emotional tides are mostly reflected there.
I believe this is an evolution of my new found IDGAF attitude that has become more and more prominent these days. Actually, it's not an IDGAF. I do. It's that my foundation is becoming stronger and stronger, and that's reflective in every aspect of my life now.
By the same token, there is this theme of death has been running rampant for the last few weeks also. I don't know if it's because I'm now at an age where the years behind me are almost equal to the years I have ahead of me, but time is a concept that I am grappling with everyday. I think this is what the mid-life crisis looks like.
I've been reading Dr. Strangelove's journal, and the conversation that took place between him and RT regarding marriage, and it was amazing to read. These are two men that love their wives and their families, have been open about the challenges that face them in their relationships and how they make it work.
I keep thinking to myself whether I could ever have a relationship like that with a woman again. The last time I was in a committed relationship was maybe 6 years ago, and it wasn't a relationship I was happy in. There were a lot of complicating factors as to why I was in it. I often think of that relationship as a repentance for myself, for how I handled some of my relationships when I was younger.
If I stop and think about it, what women do or how I interact with them never really meant much to me, because a woman could never own me. She doesn't have me, None of my girlfriends in the past had me. I loved some of them, I had amazing relationships, but it was a one-way street. I gave them what they needed, but I never let them in. No one has really gotten in since I was 17 years old.
Now, I'm older, so many things have happened in my life, and it's not that I need to give meaning to my existence, because that's an exercise in futility that we human beings put ourselves through, but I also ask myself how much more is there left ahead of me. How many more amazing experiences will I experience before I one day wake up and realize that it's amazing, but, It's a road I traversed somewhere else, as someone else, a time not long ago.
That's an obnoxious statement, and I realize that, but I wrote it out because I need to remember at some time in the future, where my head space was today.
Time is a factor that is weighing so heavily on my mind these days, time and the desire to just say f*ck it and go off on the road without a destination.
I also thought of a friend of mine today, who passed away two years ago. Before he passed we had a somewhat falling out, mostly because I got tired of his shit, and partially because he crossed a line that I couldn't look past. He tried to reach out to me several times before he passed away, but I just didn't make the effort to connect with him.
And then he passed away. His birthday is coming up in a few days. Life's a fragile thing.
When he was alive, I told a mutual friend of ours once that the best thing that could happen for him is if he passes away. He was so tortured and miserable in life, I felt that he would only find peace in death. I regret saying that. I've carried the guilt of those words for a long time. But even with all of my regret, there is a part of me that still believes its true. That he finally found the peace in death, that he never had when he was alive.
We're human, we're fragile. It's why we hurt, it's why we carry the weight of our pain with us through our lives, it's why we need healing in the first place, because it frees us from our own mental prisons that we've built based on the cruelty that others had shown us.
Things with Y ended earlier last week, when I told her that it's time for us to go our separate ways.
She wrote me back a cryptic message - she said that some people are meant to walk parallel paths, and that we are one of them.
I never replied to her message. Yesterday I was with a friend of mine who came up from DC for the weekend. We were walking through Chelsea Market and I saw Y. We looked right at each other, and passed by without saying a word. We were just strangers.
The feeling bothered me for a few moments and then it passed. I let her go. It felt like I erased 6 years of knowing someone in a matter of seconds.
I also had someone else I have known for some time reach out to me. She randomly texted me and said that a part of her would drop everything and everyone in her life for me, if I asked her to.
I would never ask her to. I don't want that burden.
This Friday night I'm due out with some friends. Irrespective of my mental state, I have a feeling that I will be executing. That's the irony of my current state. While my underlying thoughts are traversing through some significant emotional grounds, my physical state still executes.
I am both observer and participant in an ever fluctuating state of DMSI Altered Consciousness...
