To not derail Travis's journal any further...I will post here. That accidentally became a talk about me, irrelevant to Travis and his journey so I placed this here to keep his journal neat for him.
I still tend to have the thought creep into my head of how fast my entire world turned upside down on a dime when things went sideways with a girl when she didn't like how something went. So, in the moment, I WANT to escalate and it can even feel good and natural to do it. But then that thought comes in that maybe I should be sure she is into it and she wants it etc. and not risk it. I never want to go through that again. That was awful and terrifying how my whole life got ruined in one instance of her not liking how an interaction went. It showed me the fem-centric reality we live in though, learned that at an early age due to it. People often say "what's the worst that can happen? She says no and you move on!"...but I know that's nonsense and have experienced what can TRULY happen in a worst case scenario if she feels like ruining your life for whatever reason. WAY beyond just a no and moving on, I think that's the trouble. Since I experienced something so extreme, I can't have the same ignorance is bliss attitude of her just saying no is the worst thing ever.
7 years and permanent arm damage later, I finally got rid of the reputation of that nightmare. Took a total removal of everyone in that era of my life, sadly I lost a lot of people but they all seemed to just believe her narrative and that was it. So, to move on, they had to be purged.
So there's a great deal of hesitation and a need for clear certainty now. Maybe in time that will happen. I'll need either clearing/healing of all that if it's powerful enough to do. And/or clear and extremely obvious signs from girls to realistically be able to get past it once and for all and "be normal". That's just one incident, there's lots of other garbage too that created limiting beliefs and fears and other crap to further complicate my situation. Still a pretty big mountain to climb yet probably.
Maybe my mind is scared of being sexually attractive because it doesn't want me to be in the same place again, where I attract a girl I'm not interested in, and she ruins my life like what happened before. So it blinds me to results that are occurring already, and/or it shuts down the program from working. I'm not sure, I don't know if these things I'm writing about girls are doing with me are legit, or wishful thinking and making mountains out of molehills. That's how much it is obscured. I also still view it as unrealistic, to BE sexually attractive finally in my life, to the women I want. Seems so unreal to me. I get "signs" from girls they may be attracted to me, but it seems so weird or foreign or unbelievable to me somehow, mixed with the feeling of never wanting a girl to have a bad reaction to me again due to what happened before. I guess it's tough to describe so others have issues understanding the conflict.
We'll see what newer versions do.
I still tend to have the thought creep into my head of how fast my entire world turned upside down on a dime when things went sideways with a girl when she didn't like how something went. So, in the moment, I WANT to escalate and it can even feel good and natural to do it. But then that thought comes in that maybe I should be sure she is into it and she wants it etc. and not risk it. I never want to go through that again. That was awful and terrifying how my whole life got ruined in one instance of her not liking how an interaction went. It showed me the fem-centric reality we live in though, learned that at an early age due to it. People often say "what's the worst that can happen? She says no and you move on!"...but I know that's nonsense and have experienced what can TRULY happen in a worst case scenario if she feels like ruining your life for whatever reason. WAY beyond just a no and moving on, I think that's the trouble. Since I experienced something so extreme, I can't have the same ignorance is bliss attitude of her just saying no is the worst thing ever.
7 years and permanent arm damage later, I finally got rid of the reputation of that nightmare. Took a total removal of everyone in that era of my life, sadly I lost a lot of people but they all seemed to just believe her narrative and that was it. So, to move on, they had to be purged.
So there's a great deal of hesitation and a need for clear certainty now. Maybe in time that will happen. I'll need either clearing/healing of all that if it's powerful enough to do. And/or clear and extremely obvious signs from girls to realistically be able to get past it once and for all and "be normal". That's just one incident, there's lots of other garbage too that created limiting beliefs and fears and other crap to further complicate my situation. Still a pretty big mountain to climb yet probably.
Maybe my mind is scared of being sexually attractive because it doesn't want me to be in the same place again, where I attract a girl I'm not interested in, and she ruins my life like what happened before. So it blinds me to results that are occurring already, and/or it shuts down the program from working. I'm not sure, I don't know if these things I'm writing about girls are doing with me are legit, or wishful thinking and making mountains out of molehills. That's how much it is obscured. I also still view it as unrealistic, to BE sexually attractive finally in my life, to the women I want. Seems so unreal to me. I get "signs" from girls they may be attracted to me, but it seems so weird or foreign or unbelievable to me somehow, mixed with the feeling of never wanting a girl to have a bad reaction to me again due to what happened before. I guess it's tough to describe so others have issues understanding the conflict.
We'll see what newer versions do.
