DMSI V3.1-A
-Day 106
-Day 35 of overload loops
-Continuing my regimen of 100+ loops per week, 40-45% of them are hybrid/headphones. The rest are ultrasonic, bed side speaker for night time listening.
-Last weekend, T was still being better with me than before. The last 3 weekends, she's improved behaviour. I don't know if that's the sub, or if she's either newly single or planning to be, so she engages more now. I know women will "shut down" around guys when they're in a relationship, so to speak, I've observed it often enough. The weekend before last, she was good again, so I hooked her up with something, a small candy from my culture, she was all happy and appreciative and smiling like crazy and excited to try it etc. Then, the past weekend,we're talking, and before I go, I ask her if she liked it or not and that it can be an acquired taste to many. She then told me she forget it at the venue, and apologised, but it seemed kinda half-ass or something. Or like a test, it felt off somehow. I was a bit surprised, quickly said "yeah np" something like that, and said bye and left right after. Pissed me off to be honest, I felt it was disrespectful to not even have brought it home, especially after the big display put on for it to begin with. I didn't want to make it seem like I rattle easily and appear weak or needy, as it could've been some test to see if I get butt hurt when she doesn't validate me etc. so I was chill about it, but it still annoyed me. At times I do find the inconsistency difficult to wrap my head around, and wonder if it ever stops or is worth it somehow. Anyway, I'll probably see her on Saturday as usual with the others I find attractive: "DMSI girls".
-Saw a neighbour MILF of my parent's when I was helping them with stuff at their house. This neighbour is attractive, owns that house, but has rented it out and lives elsewhere for awhile. I first saw her outside gardening and constantly bending at the waist away from me to garden which may have been uncomfortable lol, dressed in a grey hoodie/yoga pants during SM3 there. Another time she walked back across the street, seeing me perhaps and loudly scuffing her feet on the ground, similar to a women walking loudly with heels on maybe, to announce their presence. But I was too nervous to approach. She's memorable, an attractive woman. Anyway, I didn't do anything then, out of fear or whatever. I saw her again days ago there, doing the same bending at the waist away from me thing after seeing me. And this time I really had to push myself, hesitated somewhat but pushed through. I said hi and formally introduced and we talked for like 20 minutes etc. She says she wants to move back there, such good people around which I do agree with, it's a lovely area my parents live in. If that happens, which she is positive about doing, I'll see her again, no doubt.
-One of the girls I was too weak to go for before subs...and had hopes of dating or sleeping with as I think she's still hot, unfriended me on FB earlier in the week. Less than a day after I posted a video I enjoyed watching from an entrepreneur. It was explaining a key problem many entrepreneurs have, choosing between their passion and a relationship which can drag things down and cause a conflict. And I added a comment to it about how I ended up choosing my passion, and how I'm proud of that, and that it isn't a bad thing to do, to get yourself where you want to be first. (Which is true and I thought was a great message. I didn't settle for some rando post-wall fatty (like some friends have done) when maybe I could've done it, I wanted to figure this women stuff out and have choice and power with sex finally in my life.) Anyway, maybe she got triggered somehow by it, or maybe it's unrelated and she SAW a post from me and thought "meh, I don't think I want to continue with speaking anymore" and unfriended. Initially, I was hurt, I'll be real, even angry. Days later now, I'm still disappointed by it, it's like a preemptive rejection or failure, but I can't deny it. I was going to send her something early on and wish her well and hope anything didn't trigger her I was speaking about a serious life issue each entrepreneur faces etc. but now I don't think I will. I don't see the upside, and that made me feel bad enough. I think I'll just leave it, usually this would bother me a lot more in the past and for a long long period of time, when girls disregard and cast me aside like this. I'm glad the feeling of hurt and shock from it is subsiding after a few days of it sinking in. Maybe some time in the future we can reconnect and I can do it properly with her as I'll be a new and better man. Or not, who knows.
-Dreams are very strange, and pretty much never even involve females, or have any sexual theme at all, I don't know why. Running a sub like this, I figure dreams of girls and scary situations etc. would be common. But the dreams are weird and seem to have no connection to the program's main goal, so it's very odd to me. At best, they seem to be fear-related I suppose.
Examples of dreams:
One dream, I'm at a zoo, I decide for some reason to take a short cut to another side. Soon, I realise I cut across an area full of crocodiles/alligators. I scramble to find a way to get up off the ground as they're closing in. The whole area is muddy. I find a pipe, maybe HVAC, go to grab it and climb up. But, it's covered in mud too and I keep sliding down, meanwhile they are getting closer and closer. I try a few times and fail. Finally, they're close enough that one is dangerously close to me and capable of biting me. I turn away and clench and force myself to wake up and I thankfully do, just before it gets to biting me.
Another dream, I'm in a bedroom of one of my HS buddies, one of the bad boy ones. I haven't set foot in this room for like 16 years or so, weird how it picked this room, although stuff in it was ordered differently and it was much more open and less cluttered with better access to the front door of it. Then, suddenly, two guys broke into the room, wearing long black coats and masks. The second guy was in the background, and I'm not even sure he was "there", but "felt" he was behind the other guy or something, tough to describe. The first guy, despite wearing a mask, I knew it was The Nightstalker, Richard Ramirez. He had a large knife in his left hand. He lunged and tried to stab me, I predicted it and moved to the left, grabbed his arm, and we started struggling back and forth for control of his knife. The struggle lasted awhile, but at least I was keeping Richard from stabbing or killing me, and eventually, I woke up.
Another, I'm going around a city, seemingly causing tons of distress and problems, and this huge police chase is going on for me, a massive manhunt. Think of GTA with a full wanted level kind of chase, lmao. It was intense, and I remember being so confused about WHY they were doing this, and wondering what I've done and while still doing my best to outsmart, outrun and escape due to fear of them all.
For one, I'm in a mini submarine, the kind of two person submarine they use for very deep sea diving. We're VERY deep into the ocean, maybe Marianas Trench deep. We are going into some tiny little cave, almost TOO small for the sub, I remember feel unease. And unease in general in this place, as the idea of being THAT far under water, and the pressure on the sub from the water and how any tiny instance of a problem is basically an instant death sentence...yeah no thanks, lol. Very scary, I don't think I'd EVER do it in real life, going to hop on the ferry to NopeTown. Anyway, we go into the cave, and hit the lights, and we start going through the cave, and charting these words on the walls. They seem like hieroglyphics, and we seem amazed by them. After awhile of seeing them, the symbols and stuff that seem just like hieroglyphics in Egypt, I woke up.
Two of me being BatMan. Flying around and doing stuff, with it looking just like The Arkham Knight. One set in a city, one seemingly set in either a wild west setting, or a hill/mountain setting I'm not sure which would be more accurate to describe it, I was flying around to get to people though I remember that. That dream didn't last long, the city one was a bit longer.
Yet another, I'm in a harbour. It's summer, I'm on a boat (Lonely Island, lol!). We start heading out of the harbour, for a nice boating trip. All is well, good times, some people there on the boat, some drinks, some music playing in the background I can hear. THEN...out of nowhere...right after we come out from under a bridge, 3 Klingon starships show up and start firing down at us. I back the boat up under the bridge and try to double back, but the ships are too fast and block my attempt to double back. So, effectively, we're pinned down, I don't have any weapons. I now have a VIP with me that I need to protect, Vladimir Putin beside me. We stay under the bridge, in uneasy safety while weapons bear down around us, deafening sounds and thunderous, even ground shaking. After awhile of surviving the onslaught, continuing to be pinned down under the bridge, I wake up.
-Having other attractive girls actively showing interest would make it easier to get past the pain and frustration of "losing" that girl from FB. And obviously from serious contention of doing anything with her, of course. But I don't see that really happening so far, unfortunately. Some things have happened that I'm not sure about if they're for real or not, if they are actually real things and not imagined, they don't seem to be anywhere near the intensity of the things I've read in other journals. So I'm not sure what to think about them, probably until I see things similar to others there will be questions.
-The possible continued lack of external success and clear results with girls may explain the internal-based or obscure dreams, dealing with internal things that consciously aren't really touched on. I seem to be almost fully engaged in clearing and healing, or even resistance of THAT even, who knows. I could be executing a lot externally, but due to blocks internally, not seeing it. Some of the dreams seem fear-related which are easier to describe. But others, I can't help but wonder ?!?!?!, lol.
Also, I have complied a full list of issues I have with the sub, point by point, and have added in the few I added before that you have already seen, Shannon. These are all of the last remaining choke points I've identified. Almost all of them are in that list you've already seen, which is a good sign. Fixing each of them should mean I can execute in the next version, or at least at a much more advanced degree, factoring in some possible push back from the mind after these holes are plugged.
That's it for now, friends.
-Day 106
-Day 35 of overload loops
-Continuing my regimen of 100+ loops per week, 40-45% of them are hybrid/headphones. The rest are ultrasonic, bed side speaker for night time listening.
-Last weekend, T was still being better with me than before. The last 3 weekends, she's improved behaviour. I don't know if that's the sub, or if she's either newly single or planning to be, so she engages more now. I know women will "shut down" around guys when they're in a relationship, so to speak, I've observed it often enough. The weekend before last, she was good again, so I hooked her up with something, a small candy from my culture, she was all happy and appreciative and smiling like crazy and excited to try it etc. Then, the past weekend,we're talking, and before I go, I ask her if she liked it or not and that it can be an acquired taste to many. She then told me she forget it at the venue, and apologised, but it seemed kinda half-ass or something. Or like a test, it felt off somehow. I was a bit surprised, quickly said "yeah np" something like that, and said bye and left right after. Pissed me off to be honest, I felt it was disrespectful to not even have brought it home, especially after the big display put on for it to begin with. I didn't want to make it seem like I rattle easily and appear weak or needy, as it could've been some test to see if I get butt hurt when she doesn't validate me etc. so I was chill about it, but it still annoyed me. At times I do find the inconsistency difficult to wrap my head around, and wonder if it ever stops or is worth it somehow. Anyway, I'll probably see her on Saturday as usual with the others I find attractive: "DMSI girls".
-Saw a neighbour MILF of my parent's when I was helping them with stuff at their house. This neighbour is attractive, owns that house, but has rented it out and lives elsewhere for awhile. I first saw her outside gardening and constantly bending at the waist away from me to garden which may have been uncomfortable lol, dressed in a grey hoodie/yoga pants during SM3 there. Another time she walked back across the street, seeing me perhaps and loudly scuffing her feet on the ground, similar to a women walking loudly with heels on maybe, to announce their presence. But I was too nervous to approach. She's memorable, an attractive woman. Anyway, I didn't do anything then, out of fear or whatever. I saw her again days ago there, doing the same bending at the waist away from me thing after seeing me. And this time I really had to push myself, hesitated somewhat but pushed through. I said hi and formally introduced and we talked for like 20 minutes etc. She says she wants to move back there, such good people around which I do agree with, it's a lovely area my parents live in. If that happens, which she is positive about doing, I'll see her again, no doubt.
-One of the girls I was too weak to go for before subs...and had hopes of dating or sleeping with as I think she's still hot, unfriended me on FB earlier in the week. Less than a day after I posted a video I enjoyed watching from an entrepreneur. It was explaining a key problem many entrepreneurs have, choosing between their passion and a relationship which can drag things down and cause a conflict. And I added a comment to it about how I ended up choosing my passion, and how I'm proud of that, and that it isn't a bad thing to do, to get yourself where you want to be first. (Which is true and I thought was a great message. I didn't settle for some rando post-wall fatty (like some friends have done) when maybe I could've done it, I wanted to figure this women stuff out and have choice and power with sex finally in my life.) Anyway, maybe she got triggered somehow by it, or maybe it's unrelated and she SAW a post from me and thought "meh, I don't think I want to continue with speaking anymore" and unfriended. Initially, I was hurt, I'll be real, even angry. Days later now, I'm still disappointed by it, it's like a preemptive rejection or failure, but I can't deny it. I was going to send her something early on and wish her well and hope anything didn't trigger her I was speaking about a serious life issue each entrepreneur faces etc. but now I don't think I will. I don't see the upside, and that made me feel bad enough. I think I'll just leave it, usually this would bother me a lot more in the past and for a long long period of time, when girls disregard and cast me aside like this. I'm glad the feeling of hurt and shock from it is subsiding after a few days of it sinking in. Maybe some time in the future we can reconnect and I can do it properly with her as I'll be a new and better man. Or not, who knows.
-Dreams are very strange, and pretty much never even involve females, or have any sexual theme at all, I don't know why. Running a sub like this, I figure dreams of girls and scary situations etc. would be common. But the dreams are weird and seem to have no connection to the program's main goal, so it's very odd to me. At best, they seem to be fear-related I suppose.
Examples of dreams:
One dream, I'm at a zoo, I decide for some reason to take a short cut to another side. Soon, I realise I cut across an area full of crocodiles/alligators. I scramble to find a way to get up off the ground as they're closing in. The whole area is muddy. I find a pipe, maybe HVAC, go to grab it and climb up. But, it's covered in mud too and I keep sliding down, meanwhile they are getting closer and closer. I try a few times and fail. Finally, they're close enough that one is dangerously close to me and capable of biting me. I turn away and clench and force myself to wake up and I thankfully do, just before it gets to biting me.
Another dream, I'm in a bedroom of one of my HS buddies, one of the bad boy ones. I haven't set foot in this room for like 16 years or so, weird how it picked this room, although stuff in it was ordered differently and it was much more open and less cluttered with better access to the front door of it. Then, suddenly, two guys broke into the room, wearing long black coats and masks. The second guy was in the background, and I'm not even sure he was "there", but "felt" he was behind the other guy or something, tough to describe. The first guy, despite wearing a mask, I knew it was The Nightstalker, Richard Ramirez. He had a large knife in his left hand. He lunged and tried to stab me, I predicted it and moved to the left, grabbed his arm, and we started struggling back and forth for control of his knife. The struggle lasted awhile, but at least I was keeping Richard from stabbing or killing me, and eventually, I woke up.
Another, I'm going around a city, seemingly causing tons of distress and problems, and this huge police chase is going on for me, a massive manhunt. Think of GTA with a full wanted level kind of chase, lmao. It was intense, and I remember being so confused about WHY they were doing this, and wondering what I've done and while still doing my best to outsmart, outrun and escape due to fear of them all.
For one, I'm in a mini submarine, the kind of two person submarine they use for very deep sea diving. We're VERY deep into the ocean, maybe Marianas Trench deep. We are going into some tiny little cave, almost TOO small for the sub, I remember feel unease. And unease in general in this place, as the idea of being THAT far under water, and the pressure on the sub from the water and how any tiny instance of a problem is basically an instant death sentence...yeah no thanks, lol. Very scary, I don't think I'd EVER do it in real life, going to hop on the ferry to NopeTown. Anyway, we go into the cave, and hit the lights, and we start going through the cave, and charting these words on the walls. They seem like hieroglyphics, and we seem amazed by them. After awhile of seeing them, the symbols and stuff that seem just like hieroglyphics in Egypt, I woke up.
Two of me being BatMan. Flying around and doing stuff, with it looking just like The Arkham Knight. One set in a city, one seemingly set in either a wild west setting, or a hill/mountain setting I'm not sure which would be more accurate to describe it, I was flying around to get to people though I remember that. That dream didn't last long, the city one was a bit longer.
Yet another, I'm in a harbour. It's summer, I'm on a boat (Lonely Island, lol!). We start heading out of the harbour, for a nice boating trip. All is well, good times, some people there on the boat, some drinks, some music playing in the background I can hear. THEN...out of nowhere...right after we come out from under a bridge, 3 Klingon starships show up and start firing down at us. I back the boat up under the bridge and try to double back, but the ships are too fast and block my attempt to double back. So, effectively, we're pinned down, I don't have any weapons. I now have a VIP with me that I need to protect, Vladimir Putin beside me. We stay under the bridge, in uneasy safety while weapons bear down around us, deafening sounds and thunderous, even ground shaking. After awhile of surviving the onslaught, continuing to be pinned down under the bridge, I wake up.
-Having other attractive girls actively showing interest would make it easier to get past the pain and frustration of "losing" that girl from FB. And obviously from serious contention of doing anything with her, of course. But I don't see that really happening so far, unfortunately. Some things have happened that I'm not sure about if they're for real or not, if they are actually real things and not imagined, they don't seem to be anywhere near the intensity of the things I've read in other journals. So I'm not sure what to think about them, probably until I see things similar to others there will be questions.
-The possible continued lack of external success and clear results with girls may explain the internal-based or obscure dreams, dealing with internal things that consciously aren't really touched on. I seem to be almost fully engaged in clearing and healing, or even resistance of THAT even, who knows. I could be executing a lot externally, but due to blocks internally, not seeing it. Some of the dreams seem fear-related which are easier to describe. But others, I can't help but wonder ?!?!?!, lol.
Also, I have complied a full list of issues I have with the sub, point by point, and have added in the few I added before that you have already seen, Shannon. These are all of the last remaining choke points I've identified. Almost all of them are in that list you've already seen, which is a good sign. Fixing each of them should mean I can execute in the next version, or at least at a much more advanced degree, factoring in some possible push back from the mind after these holes are plugged.
That's it for now, friends.
