05-12-2017, 02:45 PM
More internal stuff going on. Today after waking up I was thinking about why I so rarely approach women. The answered which popped in my mind was "I don't wanna be shamed". So basically the most prominent thing at this time seems to be "fear of being shamed". But there is more. It was like all interconnections popped up in my mind one after another. Next moment I have seen a moment from my childhood where I liked a girl and others found out and made fun out of it. I felt ashamed. Nowadays it is more like I want to prevent being shamed at something by doing something wrong or by being sexual assertive. But the thing is people can always find something to make you feel ashamed and I think this is a reason (or one reason) why I am so reserved and not open. I mean if you don't interact with people or hold back when you have to interact for some reason there is little to no chance of being shamed. And my lack of social skills literally reinforces all this as the possibility of doing something wrong is even greater here. So basically being alone and isolated is the solution (not really, but you are "safe" from being shamed).
Another thing, after listening to my loops today I became very tired and felt almost immediately asleep after the loops were finished. Before falling asleep I felt this really relaxed feeling but it didn't feel good this time and I also felt some heat like having fever (very different than aura heat). After waking up again after almost two hours I felt an intense fear. It was fear from loosing myself, loosing my identity forever if I continue listening so I can never be me again. Very strange. And this fever and unpleasant relaxation thing seemed also to trigger some hypochondriac tendencies. Didn't have this kind of stuff happening for very long time.
Saying this it is really ridiculous that we have to "torture" ourselves with subs for years just to be able to get what is our birthright. Sick.
One more thing, yesterday I found a woman from my past on a social media platform and added her. She added me as well. I don't even know why I did it. I mean she is probably the most sexually attractive person I have met. You literally couldn't leave her alone for a minute without having guys hitting on her. But on the other note she is one of the most toxic and manipulative women I have known. So if she gets sniped she definitely gets also anti-sniped. So far my update.
Another thing, after listening to my loops today I became very tired and felt almost immediately asleep after the loops were finished. Before falling asleep I felt this really relaxed feeling but it didn't feel good this time and I also felt some heat like having fever (very different than aura heat). After waking up again after almost two hours I felt an intense fear. It was fear from loosing myself, loosing my identity forever if I continue listening so I can never be me again. Very strange. And this fever and unpleasant relaxation thing seemed also to trigger some hypochondriac tendencies. Didn't have this kind of stuff happening for very long time.
Saying this it is really ridiculous that we have to "torture" ourselves with subs for years just to be able to get what is our birthright. Sick.
One more thing, yesterday I found a woman from my past on a social media platform and added her. She added me as well. I don't even know why I did it. I mean she is probably the most sexually attractive person I have met. You literally couldn't leave her alone for a minute without having guys hitting on her. But on the other note she is one of the most toxic and manipulative women I have known. So if she gets sniped she definitely gets also anti-sniped. So far my update.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
