02-23-2017, 08:03 PM
Well, This is probably going to be one of the most historical posts I ever make, way more important than even the first post in this journal. I have been trying to understand how I explain this all but I think I will just go at it. If I forget some critical point I will probably just make another post after this one. In order to adequately explain, I need to explain what happened like two days ago. Shortly after my last post I had some really bad resistance due to bloom effect. I just felt this murderous hatred, anger and rage. I would try to retreat into my own mind with music and other ways but I would automatically have problems. It was like my subconscious was like, "Nope, your not going to escape dealing with this". This kept on going to the point that I couldn't even be allowed to sleep. Finally it got to the point where I said, "I am a misanthrope". After I admitted that, I was allowed to go to sleep. Apparently that was the anger and rage, deep down inside that I have towards people. I automatically distrust them to a degree and expect them to hurt me (Self fulling prophecy in a way using Shannon's radio wave analogy).
ok, eventually I decided to run an experiment with MHS. The reason I decided to run MHS was for a couple of reasons:
- Repair the parts of my brain due to PTSD damage because these help regulate emotion.
- Bring my amygdala activity back down to normal. In PTSD people it becomes hyperactive, therefore it sees anything it fears as needing the "fight or flight" reponse. I feel like this is why I was having such are hard time with DMSI, it saw all fears it would bring up as "Fight or flight" (basically overacting).
- I figure as well if I could adjust my brain chemistry to optimal levels, I believed that it would be a leveled playing field with other subs. Resistance wouldn't be able to use say depression due to chemical imbalance or something as a weapon (caused by certain beliefs that is).
Anyway, I went through with this and got way more than I bargained for. Lets just say what I discovered I wouldn't have ever thought of. Basically, it turns out I had PTSD way before the military, it just became full blown in the military. I think I already explained my school situation. Yeah, apparently I developed minor PTSD after recurring incidents of emotional abuse at school. Also, my theory that originally I wasn't a INTP is correct. I was (and am. More on that in a moment) a SF. Basically, due to this going on it (or myself as a defense mechanism) caused damage to myself by disrupting my :
hippocampus: reduced hippocampal volumes lose the ability to discriminate between past and present experiences or interpret environmental contexts correctly. Their particular neural mechanisms trigger extreme stress responses when confronted with environmental situations that only remotely resemble something from their traumatic past.
ventromedial prefrontal cortex:region of the brain that is responsible for regulating emotional responses triggered by the amygdala. Specifically, this region regulates negative emotions like fear that occur when confronted with specific stimuli. PTSD patients show a marked decrease in the volume of ventromedial prefrontal cortex and the functional ability of this region. This explains why people suffering from PTSD tend to exhibit fear, anxiety, and extreme stress responses even when faced with stimuli not connected – or only remotely connected – to their experiences from the past.
hyperactive amygdala: This region of the brain helps us process emotions and is also linked to fear responses.What is interesting is that the amygdala in PTSD patients may be so hyperactive that these people exhibit fear and stress responses even when they are confronted with stimuli not associated with their trauma, such as when they are simply shown photographs of people exhibiting fear.
If this was a defense mechanism, I believe I did it to myself because I found having those SF functions were too painful at the time. Also I believe there was another ulterior motive: I wanted to "hate" the people doing this to me. I couldn't do that with my empathy turned on and sensing others feels.So I shut it all down, and the "INTP" personality essentially developed because of as a way to deal with damage to my brain. Basically, it was a personality based on a damaged me and because I threw away the SF parts of myself due to extreme fear. The only thing is this personality was based ,as you saw above, on rage, anger, hatred, and extreme fear. Also, because I couldn't really sense other people's feelings anymore it was like a one way conversation. I could feel my own pain, anger, and rage which lead to a victim mentality (since I could on sense one side, my side) and justify my rage and hatred towards others.
I could still have some valid logical processes but I wasn't getting the full range of info as it were. Well, when I did the experiment you can probably guess what happened. My brain got repaired and those SF switches got put back online. When that happened, I could sense the pain I had caused other people as well looking back at certain memories. The signs were always there I just ignored them. Basically when the originally personality came back due to the damaged being repaired, it was horrified at this "INTPs" inner world. The hatred, anger, rage and pain it has caused. It took responsibility and therefore one could say the INTP ways of thinking were kicked to the curve. I feel like a totally different person and don't associate with the previous "personality".
It feels like the wiring for this personality hasn't been used in so long it feels like I'm a SF but I haven't developed that personality past age 12. It feels like I've been asleep for 14 years while someone else has been running around in my body. Of course I realize that was still "me" but a me based on broken "hardware". Once the hardware got fixed, I got rewired to "factory settings" (of course with a MHS update as well). A few things I noticed:
Music- While driving to and from class I wasn't "feeling" a lot of the music the "other guy" had on his phone.
Car- I was wondering why I decided to get a car for utility (Honda Civic Hybrid) instead of a more flashy car.
Women- Honestly, before I couldn't stand women that were very beautiful but didn't have much going on in the brain. Now, I don't mind them as long as they are entertaining.
Time- Why I spent so much money on video games and time on watching youtube videos on political philosophy.
Now, for 2 things. First the old personality is not gone. Its old wiring patterns in my head are gone but the idea of it is not. Let me explain, when I think about it I see vividly this "void" in a far corner of my mind where the idea of that personality is kinda of frozen in stasis and is so far in some dark void that it can't influence anything. I know though that the original personality can extract non-toxic parts of information from that personality (logic, processes, information,etc) but its hesitant to do so. I feel like even accessing the memories makes me disgusted in a way but I know there is a process of slow assimilation going on with the non-toxic parts. That gets me to my second point, how do I know this? Well, if you guys remember that bridge between my conscious and subconscious and the conversations between the two? Yeah, that connection has changed. Before I was getting impressions and words sometimes, now I "know" what is going on. When I changed back to a Sensor, instead of intuition being used, I literally feel like the connection is as real as any of my external senses.
Well, that's pretty much it. Some will probably be skeptical and some not but I know what has happened. I really do want to thank Shannon for creating this sub. I would also say if you want to really help PTSD, I think the sub your thinking about that heals Mind, body and emotions for 6G is the probably the best bet you have. So you can repair the hardware (Brain issues) and software (emotions/beliefs). As of now, I admit it feels very weird. I feel like i'm back at 12 years old being a SF but barely any actual personality development beyond that. It means I am a clean slate now and that presents opportunities but also questions. I was literally asking myself this morning: "Who am I? What do I like to do in my off time? Who do I like?, etc. One step at a time I guess.
P.S. If anyone know if there's a psychology concept for this type of phenomenon I would like to hear it if possible. Thanks!
ok, eventually I decided to run an experiment with MHS. The reason I decided to run MHS was for a couple of reasons:
- Repair the parts of my brain due to PTSD damage because these help regulate emotion.
- Bring my amygdala activity back down to normal. In PTSD people it becomes hyperactive, therefore it sees anything it fears as needing the "fight or flight" reponse. I feel like this is why I was having such are hard time with DMSI, it saw all fears it would bring up as "Fight or flight" (basically overacting).
- I figure as well if I could adjust my brain chemistry to optimal levels, I believed that it would be a leveled playing field with other subs. Resistance wouldn't be able to use say depression due to chemical imbalance or something as a weapon (caused by certain beliefs that is).
Anyway, I went through with this and got way more than I bargained for. Lets just say what I discovered I wouldn't have ever thought of. Basically, it turns out I had PTSD way before the military, it just became full blown in the military. I think I already explained my school situation. Yeah, apparently I developed minor PTSD after recurring incidents of emotional abuse at school. Also, my theory that originally I wasn't a INTP is correct. I was (and am. More on that in a moment) a SF. Basically, due to this going on it (or myself as a defense mechanism) caused damage to myself by disrupting my :
hippocampus: reduced hippocampal volumes lose the ability to discriminate between past and present experiences or interpret environmental contexts correctly. Their particular neural mechanisms trigger extreme stress responses when confronted with environmental situations that only remotely resemble something from their traumatic past.
ventromedial prefrontal cortex:region of the brain that is responsible for regulating emotional responses triggered by the amygdala. Specifically, this region regulates negative emotions like fear that occur when confronted with specific stimuli. PTSD patients show a marked decrease in the volume of ventromedial prefrontal cortex and the functional ability of this region. This explains why people suffering from PTSD tend to exhibit fear, anxiety, and extreme stress responses even when faced with stimuli not connected – or only remotely connected – to their experiences from the past.
hyperactive amygdala: This region of the brain helps us process emotions and is also linked to fear responses.What is interesting is that the amygdala in PTSD patients may be so hyperactive that these people exhibit fear and stress responses even when they are confronted with stimuli not associated with their trauma, such as when they are simply shown photographs of people exhibiting fear.
If this was a defense mechanism, I believe I did it to myself because I found having those SF functions were too painful at the time. Also I believe there was another ulterior motive: I wanted to "hate" the people doing this to me. I couldn't do that with my empathy turned on and sensing others feels.So I shut it all down, and the "INTP" personality essentially developed because of as a way to deal with damage to my brain. Basically, it was a personality based on a damaged me and because I threw away the SF parts of myself due to extreme fear. The only thing is this personality was based ,as you saw above, on rage, anger, hatred, and extreme fear. Also, because I couldn't really sense other people's feelings anymore it was like a one way conversation. I could feel my own pain, anger, and rage which lead to a victim mentality (since I could on sense one side, my side) and justify my rage and hatred towards others.
I could still have some valid logical processes but I wasn't getting the full range of info as it were. Well, when I did the experiment you can probably guess what happened. My brain got repaired and those SF switches got put back online. When that happened, I could sense the pain I had caused other people as well looking back at certain memories. The signs were always there I just ignored them. Basically when the originally personality came back due to the damaged being repaired, it was horrified at this "INTPs" inner world. The hatred, anger, rage and pain it has caused. It took responsibility and therefore one could say the INTP ways of thinking were kicked to the curve. I feel like a totally different person and don't associate with the previous "personality".
It feels like the wiring for this personality hasn't been used in so long it feels like I'm a SF but I haven't developed that personality past age 12. It feels like I've been asleep for 14 years while someone else has been running around in my body. Of course I realize that was still "me" but a me based on broken "hardware". Once the hardware got fixed, I got rewired to "factory settings" (of course with a MHS update as well). A few things I noticed:
Music- While driving to and from class I wasn't "feeling" a lot of the music the "other guy" had on his phone.
Car- I was wondering why I decided to get a car for utility (Honda Civic Hybrid) instead of a more flashy car.
Women- Honestly, before I couldn't stand women that were very beautiful but didn't have much going on in the brain. Now, I don't mind them as long as they are entertaining.
Time- Why I spent so much money on video games and time on watching youtube videos on political philosophy.
Now, for 2 things. First the old personality is not gone. Its old wiring patterns in my head are gone but the idea of it is not. Let me explain, when I think about it I see vividly this "void" in a far corner of my mind where the idea of that personality is kinda of frozen in stasis and is so far in some dark void that it can't influence anything. I know though that the original personality can extract non-toxic parts of information from that personality (logic, processes, information,etc) but its hesitant to do so. I feel like even accessing the memories makes me disgusted in a way but I know there is a process of slow assimilation going on with the non-toxic parts. That gets me to my second point, how do I know this? Well, if you guys remember that bridge between my conscious and subconscious and the conversations between the two? Yeah, that connection has changed. Before I was getting impressions and words sometimes, now I "know" what is going on. When I changed back to a Sensor, instead of intuition being used, I literally feel like the connection is as real as any of my external senses.
Well, that's pretty much it. Some will probably be skeptical and some not but I know what has happened. I really do want to thank Shannon for creating this sub. I would also say if you want to really help PTSD, I think the sub your thinking about that heals Mind, body and emotions for 6G is the probably the best bet you have. So you can repair the hardware (Brain issues) and software (emotions/beliefs). As of now, I admit it feels very weird. I feel like i'm back at 12 years old being a SF but barely any actual personality development beyond that. It means I am a clean slate now and that presents opportunities but also questions. I was literally asking myself this morning: "Who am I? What do I like to do in my off time? Who do I like?, etc. One step at a time I guess.
P.S. If anyone know if there's a psychology concept for this type of phenomenon I would like to hear it if possible. Thanks!
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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