01-22-2017, 02:06 PM
Bliss, I'm adding to the understanding of what happens as the onion is peeled.
I'm sad. I haven't felt sad in like 2 days, and I'm speaking of old grief. Stuff which has been down there a long, long time has been coming up almost daily.
I'm home today, and I'm not wanting to reach out for help. I so, so, so used to absolutely depend on others to feed me emotionally. I relied on my daughter when younger (fear, anger, then guilt and sadness comes), and I've got 1 healthy person around me. But fearing he'll abandon me, I don't reach out with the REAL me. So, I've just not done that. My emotional survival has all been based on me lying so 1. you'd never see the real me, and 2. if we part ways, I won't be hurt so bad. Well........"real me" has less to hide behind lately, so..........I'm (actually thinking) I'm clueless on how to build a friendship (that's learned helplessness there). What's more obvious to me is my learned helplessness/victim mindset has emerged, asking to express himself so I feel "better". I read the page for the Overcome the Victim Mindset sub, and it clearly says
"It is commonly used to manipulate others through guilt, shame or fear, and is damaging to the holder of the mindset by degrading self esteem, self respect, success and happiness."
Yeah. It sounds like me, a lot. I feel bad after being near my friend since he has a very confident aura, and a year back I tried unsuccessfully to vie for attention via pity and manipulation. So now, I don't have the same tools to approach him, nor do I want to use the broken tools.
(I began writing after that, and I realized I'm writing about him to evoke pity from any readers.)
So, that's where I am. "Going back to old ways" is something I'm finally seeing as something I don't want to do.
Shame, fear, and sadness emerged as I wrote that. I'm trying not to abandon myself constantly. They're old tools I'm seeing more lately.
I'm sad. I haven't felt sad in like 2 days, and I'm speaking of old grief. Stuff which has been down there a long, long time has been coming up almost daily.
I'm home today, and I'm not wanting to reach out for help. I so, so, so used to absolutely depend on others to feed me emotionally. I relied on my daughter when younger (fear, anger, then guilt and sadness comes), and I've got 1 healthy person around me. But fearing he'll abandon me, I don't reach out with the REAL me. So, I've just not done that. My emotional survival has all been based on me lying so 1. you'd never see the real me, and 2. if we part ways, I won't be hurt so bad. Well........"real me" has less to hide behind lately, so..........I'm (actually thinking) I'm clueless on how to build a friendship (that's learned helplessness there). What's more obvious to me is my learned helplessness/victim mindset has emerged, asking to express himself so I feel "better". I read the page for the Overcome the Victim Mindset sub, and it clearly says
"It is commonly used to manipulate others through guilt, shame or fear, and is damaging to the holder of the mindset by degrading self esteem, self respect, success and happiness."
Yeah. It sounds like me, a lot. I feel bad after being near my friend since he has a very confident aura, and a year back I tried unsuccessfully to vie for attention via pity and manipulation. So now, I don't have the same tools to approach him, nor do I want to use the broken tools.
(I began writing after that, and I realized I'm writing about him to evoke pity from any readers.)
So, that's where I am. "Going back to old ways" is something I'm finally seeing as something I don't want to do.
Shame, fear, and sadness emerged as I wrote that. I'm trying not to abandon myself constantly. They're old tools I'm seeing more lately.
I want to be FREE!
