01-20-2017, 12:44 PM
Thank you Darkness and Kol. I've been thinking of my choice for a sub, and I focused on going to the root. Part of me knew it was smart. I just didn't REALLY know about the resistance I might face. Shame and fear, I realized today, have been the constant in my life. Emotionally, part of me wants to hang on to them. It's SUCH a head game these last few days, and I'm really grateful I've been reading other's experiences handling resistance.
For example, I'll want to do one thing, like listen to this for 60 days. BUT.......now I've got a loud voice sometimes saying something completely different. It's very incongruent presently. And immediately while writing that, a feeling of grief surfaced. Like I'm saying goodbye to an old "friend". This was.....my norm. My lifestyle. My reality. I feel like I'm writing one of those movies, where you hang on to your seat, anxious to see the next direction. (Just wrote that and never connected it. I love soundtrack music since it pulls me here, pulls me there--sounds like my experience here)
And, I could wonder (worry) what I'll replace it with. I have, shortly. Worry is easy. But I'm kind of resting on something which I am hearing again and again and again in my ACA group: as your inner child learns to trust you, he'll emerge, showing you who he is (and who I want to be).
Yeah, shame has been my reality for decades. It was family training, like we've all experienced. But dismantling it will surely bring new highs, and also.....new lows. Handling both highs and lows will be a new experience.
Hell, I've seen some already. And truthfully, I expect more. I'm not all happy about it.
For example, I'll want to do one thing, like listen to this for 60 days. BUT.......now I've got a loud voice sometimes saying something completely different. It's very incongruent presently. And immediately while writing that, a feeling of grief surfaced. Like I'm saying goodbye to an old "friend". This was.....my norm. My lifestyle. My reality. I feel like I'm writing one of those movies, where you hang on to your seat, anxious to see the next direction. (Just wrote that and never connected it. I love soundtrack music since it pulls me here, pulls me there--sounds like my experience here)
And, I could wonder (worry) what I'll replace it with. I have, shortly. Worry is easy. But I'm kind of resting on something which I am hearing again and again and again in my ACA group: as your inner child learns to trust you, he'll emerge, showing you who he is (and who I want to be).
Yeah, shame has been my reality for decades. It was family training, like we've all experienced. But dismantling it will surely bring new highs, and also.....new lows. Handling both highs and lows will be a new experience.
Hell, I've seen some already. And truthfully, I expect more. I'm not all happy about it.
I want to be FREE!
