01-17-2017, 05:59 PM
Day 8
Today I was home. I had my silent sub running all day, and I was in both the forums and the shop exploring other subs. My day began writing about my shame, and it seems, it's ending that way.
I've been PMing another member here this morning, and it (looking back) was all about shame. He'd asked a question, and I replied emotionally. Honestly. I shared how many of my life choices these last 10 years have had shame, and the fear of it being discovered, making my life choices.
I shared it since the fear of disclosing it has had a STRONG hold on my life. How everything from driving into town, to speaking to vendors about business products, has been [smothered, smeared, covered] with my fear of anyone knowing this. Isolation isn't best....but I've used it since I've had no other tools (to my awareness) yet. I've lived a continual lifestyle of waiting for someone ELSE to validate me. To say I'm good enough. To encourage me. It puts all relationships at risk of me running, or them running. Those who stay.....I'm not sure are all there
I looked into E2 and E1 again since validation, self love, and maturity are things I've actually seeking........mostly from others.
And these last 3 hours I've been looking at BASE again since it has SO MANY scripts in it, nonetheleast are the ones pointing me to validate and love myself (Ephra 1), plus the motivational ones for procrastination and such.
Sidenote: I realized tonight my occupation with BASE is based on fear and hiding my shame. "If I perform/succeed, I'll be acceptable"
Maybe......it's resistance. Likely. I've had it running over 24 hours, and I'm going to sleep tonight without it so my mind can rest.
My night ended reading a PM. A guy shared his perspective on my writing, he gave his, and his words touched me where I safely cried here a few minutes in my bed. He saw hope where I hadn't, and I felt sadness just reading his words. He let me know I wasn't alone.
Today I was home. I had my silent sub running all day, and I was in both the forums and the shop exploring other subs. My day began writing about my shame, and it seems, it's ending that way.
I've been PMing another member here this morning, and it (looking back) was all about shame. He'd asked a question, and I replied emotionally. Honestly. I shared how many of my life choices these last 10 years have had shame, and the fear of it being discovered, making my life choices.
I shared it since the fear of disclosing it has had a STRONG hold on my life. How everything from driving into town, to speaking to vendors about business products, has been [smothered, smeared, covered] with my fear of anyone knowing this. Isolation isn't best....but I've used it since I've had no other tools (to my awareness) yet. I've lived a continual lifestyle of waiting for someone ELSE to validate me. To say I'm good enough. To encourage me. It puts all relationships at risk of me running, or them running. Those who stay.....I'm not sure are all there
I looked into E2 and E1 again since validation, self love, and maturity are things I've actually seeking........mostly from others.
And these last 3 hours I've been looking at BASE again since it has SO MANY scripts in it, nonetheleast are the ones pointing me to validate and love myself (Ephra 1), plus the motivational ones for procrastination and such.
Sidenote: I realized tonight my occupation with BASE is based on fear and hiding my shame. "If I perform/succeed, I'll be acceptable"
Maybe......it's resistance. Likely. I've had it running over 24 hours, and I'm going to sleep tonight without it so my mind can rest.
My night ended reading a PM. A guy shared his perspective on my writing, he gave his, and his words touched me where I safely cried here a few minutes in my bed. He saw hope where I hadn't, and I felt sadness just reading his words. He let me know I wasn't alone.
I want to be FREE!
