01-16-2017, 01:15 AM
I'm a week away from two months.
Hard to report on something mind shattering. I'm just happier and happier and less and less worried about stuff. I'm able to care much more about going for a run for half an hour during the day than worry about how it will look. I've had to give speeches and hold meetings and not suffer horrible anxiety.
I've even managed to pick up on where I'm being a bit of a d*ck, realising that I can be passive aggressive in trying to dominate others by 'showing off' or delegitimising their points of view with little comments, rather than just listen and be present with them. This is starting to allow a bit more space for just appreciating people for who they are, with all their kinks and quirks.
On reflection this is no small thing - it seems that every interaction has carried with it something to gain or lose and this desire to 'win' in interactions or 'not lose' , really does lead to a lot of undermining and anxiety. I do it to people and others do it to me. Now if what they do doesn't matter and I have my own self worth which can't be taken away by other peoples games to make them feel their own worth, my need to engage in this game has diminished.
It's still evolving though. I'm still sensitive to being slighted, or condescension.
Hard to report on something mind shattering. I'm just happier and happier and less and less worried about stuff. I'm able to care much more about going for a run for half an hour during the day than worry about how it will look. I've had to give speeches and hold meetings and not suffer horrible anxiety.
I've even managed to pick up on where I'm being a bit of a d*ck, realising that I can be passive aggressive in trying to dominate others by 'showing off' or delegitimising their points of view with little comments, rather than just listen and be present with them. This is starting to allow a bit more space for just appreciating people for who they are, with all their kinks and quirks.
On reflection this is no small thing - it seems that every interaction has carried with it something to gain or lose and this desire to 'win' in interactions or 'not lose' , really does lead to a lot of undermining and anxiety. I do it to people and others do it to me. Now if what they do doesn't matter and I have my own self worth which can't be taken away by other peoples games to make them feel their own worth, my need to engage in this game has diminished.
It's still evolving though. I'm still sensitive to being slighted, or condescension.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
