01-13-2017, 02:07 PM
Day 4
This is very effective stuff.
I woke up my regular time, feeling refreshed. I was like "Wow! I feel good!" 3 minutes later I got on my desktop to check my volume settings on the sub.
My player was not on. When I installed VLC last night, I had a 4 hour music set running on it. I intentionally had turned the replay feature off so I'd have some quiet rest time with the silent subs. When I put the subs on VLC, I forgot to use the replay feature.
Well, my body had relaxed, like really relaxed. I'd read that some people don't use it at night so they can sleep soundly. I had only wondered if I'd experience this, but this sub must tire me out, more than I realize. At work today, I noticed my body recovering from a constant tiredness I'd experienced, and since I used other subs non-stop at home prior to these, I'm actually thinking I've got my processing going all the time. I'm only guessing at this, but it seems logical since I was unnormally relaxed. And liking it.
Maybe because I read Bliss' story, and also since I felt it today.........I was really critical of my coworker I work with all day (but I kept silent). I am really disgusted with his manipulation and exploitation of our boss's biases. The boss likes him and depends on him heavily, yet anyone who's been there over a month knows his name, as he's lazy and expecting the boss to be in his corner if crap hits the fan, which is common. He should have been fired years ago, as so many are regularly. We have a extremely biased and favoring boss who relies on his "circle" of trusted employees. The obvious favoritism is extremely bad.
Why did it piss me off? Corporate rules have been laid down, everyone knows them, yet I'm still expected to believe a single worker's BS of "I'm the exception". Ok, I'm the puss here, being honest. And I imagine, as it's happened before, that the head boss will say "so you're going to throw him under the bus?"
I'm waiting on this fear to disappear. And some is, actually. I imagined me saying clear focused statements to him today, like I was growing up (a desire of mine, since I'm 45)! I've played victim a whole lot in my life, and looking at my thinking, I realize I've been taking that stand. It's extremely debilitating, to say the very least. Shameful too, feeling it now. Playing victim is me saying "I'm depending on you (a real coward) to help me and be fair to me". It's completely dependent on him, the core of victim thinking ("someone ELSE is in charge, not me") Thus the game of constant deceiving and trying to make false impressions. GAG!!! It's a constant game! Barf!!
So the game of BS pissed me off today. I'm being pissed off about my own acceptance of BS on the job. Rant done.
I did have a good experience today asking for help. My sister, who I shared about yesterday, texted me again asking me if I'd come over.
I DIDN'T WANT TO!!
and.........I imagined being disappointed in myself if I went. I had a few texts from guys in recovery doing their daily rounds of reaching out. I asked one for help not knowing best how to handle rejecting my sis. He didn't respond (but I'd just asked for prayer, nothing else).
And I realized......I needed help from a female. Any and every guy on here could have said "blow her off", "tell her no", or anything EASY. This was big, for me. I've been in that childish "she'll......be MAD at me if I say no". Ok, she scares me. A bully in pink. An anger addict. She scares the s*** out of me since she's unpredictable. (Just being honest here). She's cutthroat when needed to be. More BARF.
I texted a woman I've avoided in program about my situation, asking for a female perspective. And I've avoided her since, well, she's cute, AND she's engaged (Grrrr). She gave me the EASY answer, not condescending or bothered in any way. She gave me the exact words, and I texted them to my sis. My sis didn't reply for an hour, but when she did, she said "ok. I'm here if you need me. Bye". Job done!
I asked for help. I asked for help from someone I did not really know. Whose response I couldn't predict. I took a risk, and it worked!!. That's AWESOME!!!!!!
No other crisis' happened today. I'm just more aware of deception and manipulation, both in me and in others. That's enough for today (maybe).
This is very effective stuff.
I woke up my regular time, feeling refreshed. I was like "Wow! I feel good!" 3 minutes later I got on my desktop to check my volume settings on the sub.
My player was not on. When I installed VLC last night, I had a 4 hour music set running on it. I intentionally had turned the replay feature off so I'd have some quiet rest time with the silent subs. When I put the subs on VLC, I forgot to use the replay feature.
Well, my body had relaxed, like really relaxed. I'd read that some people don't use it at night so they can sleep soundly. I had only wondered if I'd experience this, but this sub must tire me out, more than I realize. At work today, I noticed my body recovering from a constant tiredness I'd experienced, and since I used other subs non-stop at home prior to these, I'm actually thinking I've got my processing going all the time. I'm only guessing at this, but it seems logical since I was unnormally relaxed. And liking it.
Maybe because I read Bliss' story, and also since I felt it today.........I was really critical of my coworker I work with all day (but I kept silent). I am really disgusted with his manipulation and exploitation of our boss's biases. The boss likes him and depends on him heavily, yet anyone who's been there over a month knows his name, as he's lazy and expecting the boss to be in his corner if crap hits the fan, which is common. He should have been fired years ago, as so many are regularly. We have a extremely biased and favoring boss who relies on his "circle" of trusted employees. The obvious favoritism is extremely bad.
Why did it piss me off? Corporate rules have been laid down, everyone knows them, yet I'm still expected to believe a single worker's BS of "I'm the exception". Ok, I'm the puss here, being honest. And I imagine, as it's happened before, that the head boss will say "so you're going to throw him under the bus?"
I'm waiting on this fear to disappear. And some is, actually. I imagined me saying clear focused statements to him today, like I was growing up (a desire of mine, since I'm 45)! I've played victim a whole lot in my life, and looking at my thinking, I realize I've been taking that stand. It's extremely debilitating, to say the very least. Shameful too, feeling it now. Playing victim is me saying "I'm depending on you (a real coward) to help me and be fair to me". It's completely dependent on him, the core of victim thinking ("someone ELSE is in charge, not me") Thus the game of constant deceiving and trying to make false impressions. GAG!!! It's a constant game! Barf!!
So the game of BS pissed me off today. I'm being pissed off about my own acceptance of BS on the job. Rant done.
I did have a good experience today asking for help. My sister, who I shared about yesterday, texted me again asking me if I'd come over.
I DIDN'T WANT TO!!
and.........I imagined being disappointed in myself if I went. I had a few texts from guys in recovery doing their daily rounds of reaching out. I asked one for help not knowing best how to handle rejecting my sis. He didn't respond (but I'd just asked for prayer, nothing else).
And I realized......I needed help from a female. Any and every guy on here could have said "blow her off", "tell her no", or anything EASY. This was big, for me. I've been in that childish "she'll......be MAD at me if I say no". Ok, she scares me. A bully in pink. An anger addict. She scares the s*** out of me since she's unpredictable. (Just being honest here). She's cutthroat when needed to be. More BARF.
I texted a woman I've avoided in program about my situation, asking for a female perspective. And I've avoided her since, well, she's cute, AND she's engaged (Grrrr). She gave me the EASY answer, not condescending or bothered in any way. She gave me the exact words, and I texted them to my sis. My sis didn't reply for an hour, but when she did, she said "ok. I'm here if you need me. Bye". Job done!
I asked for help. I asked for help from someone I did not really know. Whose response I couldn't predict. I took a risk, and it worked!!. That's AWESOME!!!!!!
No other crisis' happened today. I'm just more aware of deception and manipulation, both in me and in others. That's enough for today (maybe).
I want to be FREE!
