01-07-2017, 11:23 PM
It's not that I'm a savage. When dealing with people and partners, my goal is ALWAYS to make sure that everyone is happy with the end results. I'm not heartless and I'm not trying to cheat people. It's just that... if you're standing in my way and I don't feel that your reasoning is legit (for example, you're projecting YOUR fears onto me, or while reveling in your fear, you stand in my way), I see no problem with (metaphorically) cutting you down.
Anyway, I f*cked up -- or did I?
Since my kid's out of town, I decided to play v3a over my speakers instead of listening to it via headphones. Wasn't paying attention to VLC. Didn't realize that I had the playlist set to REPEAT. I've been exposed to about 6 and a half loops of v3a.
I've spent most of the day in a state of emotional chaos. One moment, I'm feeling incredibly optimistic, upbeat and powerful, looking forward to the rest of my life. Twenty seconds later, I'm down in the dumps, wondering how I wasted so much of my life and how I don't have anything to show for it. Then, it'll flip to a state of complete apathy, where I don't care about anything and would be content to just sit in a room and become a neckbeard. Then, I'll start having vivid images of boxing techniques and strategies and can I see myself dominating everyone as a pro-fighter. Then, I flip back to wondering "what's the use of it all," and thinking about just fading away into nothingness.
There's a war being waged within me. Old paradigms versus new paradigms. The sub is aggressively pushing me toward greatness, but I simply can't let go of the things that were done to me in the past. Earlier, I started having more random memories from childhood spring up. An incident that occurred in KINDERGARTEN (I'm freaking 31, guys) when I got really dressed up for school and thought I looked absolutely dapper. While walking down the hallway, I overheard a girl say that I was ugly, and it ruined my day.
Who the hell would've thought that decades later my subconscious was still holding on to that memory? That it's STILL AFFECTING me a quarter of a century later? And things like this have been happening all day. Just old, stagnant memories that I would've NEVER EVER thought of, rising to the forefront of my mind.
It has to be the clearing. I'm a bit excited that I'm pulling memories from childhood. I hope that means it's gotten past most of the crap that's happened as an adult and it's digging into the very roots of the issue. When I think back to some of the f*cked up things women have done to me as an adult, I don't get the same feeling of visceral hatred as I did before. So, that's some serious progress.
In other sub related news, manifestations are up. I'm getting some wicked Tinder and OkCupid matches. Very, very beautiful women (and some not so beautiful). I'm just not in the mental state to seduce or go after them. I'm debating shutting the accounts down and just healing, but I feel like that's a form of resistance. So, starting tomorrow, I'm gonna start seducing for sport. Even if I'm not interested in going out with them. Just gonna keep my skills fresh.
Also, in other news, I got a text from an old female friend. The one from the Kanye concert. We had a falling out over Donald Trump about a week after his election. Can't go into it, but we didn't speak from that day all the way until yesterday. She texted me, asked if we could just squash the whole thing.
I'm actually planning to attend his inauguration. I've never been to one, plus it's just a 3 hour drive. I'm gonna see if she'll let me stay with her. Not sure if she has a boyfriend or anything since we've been out of contact, but honestly, I don't give a sh*t. If I end up going, I'm running v3b.
On another note... I'm a bit perturbed at how... tame I seem now. I look at my old journals and there was a time when I would get beyond excited to run DMSI and do some hoodrat sh*t. Now, I'm so introspective, so... focused on business. I hope it's a good thing.
Anyway, I f*cked up -- or did I?
Since my kid's out of town, I decided to play v3a over my speakers instead of listening to it via headphones. Wasn't paying attention to VLC. Didn't realize that I had the playlist set to REPEAT. I've been exposed to about 6 and a half loops of v3a.
I've spent most of the day in a state of emotional chaos. One moment, I'm feeling incredibly optimistic, upbeat and powerful, looking forward to the rest of my life. Twenty seconds later, I'm down in the dumps, wondering how I wasted so much of my life and how I don't have anything to show for it. Then, it'll flip to a state of complete apathy, where I don't care about anything and would be content to just sit in a room and become a neckbeard. Then, I'll start having vivid images of boxing techniques and strategies and can I see myself dominating everyone as a pro-fighter. Then, I flip back to wondering "what's the use of it all," and thinking about just fading away into nothingness.
There's a war being waged within me. Old paradigms versus new paradigms. The sub is aggressively pushing me toward greatness, but I simply can't let go of the things that were done to me in the past. Earlier, I started having more random memories from childhood spring up. An incident that occurred in KINDERGARTEN (I'm freaking 31, guys) when I got really dressed up for school and thought I looked absolutely dapper. While walking down the hallway, I overheard a girl say that I was ugly, and it ruined my day.
Who the hell would've thought that decades later my subconscious was still holding on to that memory? That it's STILL AFFECTING me a quarter of a century later? And things like this have been happening all day. Just old, stagnant memories that I would've NEVER EVER thought of, rising to the forefront of my mind.
It has to be the clearing. I'm a bit excited that I'm pulling memories from childhood. I hope that means it's gotten past most of the crap that's happened as an adult and it's digging into the very roots of the issue. When I think back to some of the f*cked up things women have done to me as an adult, I don't get the same feeling of visceral hatred as I did before. So, that's some serious progress.
In other sub related news, manifestations are up. I'm getting some wicked Tinder and OkCupid matches. Very, very beautiful women (and some not so beautiful). I'm just not in the mental state to seduce or go after them. I'm debating shutting the accounts down and just healing, but I feel like that's a form of resistance. So, starting tomorrow, I'm gonna start seducing for sport. Even if I'm not interested in going out with them. Just gonna keep my skills fresh.
Also, in other news, I got a text from an old female friend. The one from the Kanye concert. We had a falling out over Donald Trump about a week after his election. Can't go into it, but we didn't speak from that day all the way until yesterday. She texted me, asked if we could just squash the whole thing.
I'm actually planning to attend his inauguration. I've never been to one, plus it's just a 3 hour drive. I'm gonna see if she'll let me stay with her. Not sure if she has a boyfriend or anything since we've been out of contact, but honestly, I don't give a sh*t. If I end up going, I'm running v3b.
On another note... I'm a bit perturbed at how... tame I seem now. I look at my old journals and there was a time when I would get beyond excited to run DMSI and do some hoodrat sh*t. Now, I'm so introspective, so... focused on business. I hope it's a good thing.
