Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, been a while but have some stuff to report. I will start reporting more often to give Shannon more feedback because I think i might be in the same boat as Catman and Swisston but for different reasons probably. I think my resistance is based on a lot of trauma I had in the past concerning my interactions with people and my own sexuality. Things with the girl I mentioned in the last post might not be going anyway unfortunately because of one of my co-workers acting like a @ss. This was someone I trusted but he did something that sabotaged what was going on. He had noticed that me and this girl had started to talk more and I had mentioned that we were going to hang out. So he asked me if I was interested in her, I said yeah but I would have to get to know her more and see where it goes. To give you an idea I'm 8 years older than her.

After a while I actually was truly interested in her. I liked her more for her personality than her looks (Shes probably more of a 7 or 6.5/10, not ugly just she looks really plain). I did start to notice things might have started to progress I noticed things like: Her touching me while talking to me(There was at least one time where she held her hand on my shoulder for a while), caught her staring at me at times, when she was in my presence I noticed (especially when I started 3.0) I would have her total attention. There was one time though where I joked in a friendly way that we have a "love hate" relationship (I meant this more in a friends sort of way). She then acted all shy and said something like "I don't necessarily love you blah, blah, etc" (Almost like she was giving the we are friends speech but not using the words friend at all). I was wondering where that came from as I was just joking around (I noticed when I'm around her the autopilot seems to kick right away).

Also yesterday I was playing around with her and teasingly flicked her ear while we were working and she responded with something like "ya know touching someone without there permission is considered sexual harassment". I responded with making a joke about it with which she responded in a funny way. Couldn't tell if she was playing around when she first said it , was joking or if it was a shit test. Either way, I think I know why she might be acting that way when things might turn too much towards like we might be a couple or something. I was working with the above mentioned co-worker about 2 weeks ago. I was considering texting this chick while we were working and he asked her I was texting. I mentioned the girl and he asked again what my intentions were, I said I still kinda of don't know, I'm just going to see where this leads.

He then said, "Dude, you know shes not interested". I was like "what are you talking about"? He then explain how he went to her, and did something that was really stupid in my opinion. He said that he went to her and said, "So there are rumors going around that you and Darth are going out". Obviously you guys on here know how stupid that was and how it probably sabotaged the whole thing. It (1) made her think that people were talking negatively about her being with me (probably due to the age difference) and (2) probably made her think that I was the one starting the rumors in which her trust in me probably plummeted. Her, being the somewhat social awkward person that she is and cares too much about what others think, said, "oh no its nothing like that hes too old for me". I don't know if she was actually serious with that response or if she gave it because now she was afraid that everyone at work was talking about her.

I asked him "why the heck would you do something like that". His response was amazing, "So you could move on". Love how people sabotage you and then say they did it for your own good. My idea is that he didn't like the age difference between me and her, which is why he sabotaged the whole thing. Either way, still interested in her but unless I can fully express this aura I don't think its going to go anywhere with all thats going on right now. As far as V3, It does seem to be doing something under the hood but my mind seems to be trying to resist it badly. I remember on my second day using it, I had just finished my loops and watched a political commentary with a very hot woman. After a while my eyes start getting drawn to her legs and chest and I feel this rush of desire. I also feel like i'm in some kinda of trance and I feel this energy in my body that causes me to start shaking but soon after that I get a headache and start feeling dizzy. About 30 mins later I feel tired as hell and drift off to this lucid type sleep. After I wake up I feel a lot more refreshed and happy.

The thing is though I do think my mind still resisted a lot of the programming that night because I haven't felt the program try to activate that strongly since. Well, except for yesterday. Two days before yesterday I tried version B but then realized I wasn't ready for it. I got massive resistance in the form of anger. It was like any small little thing could trigger me and not to mention I notice more respect from some people but then disrespect from others. So, I switched back to version A yesterday but I think what happened was version B brought something to the surface and when I used version A it started clearing whatever it was. It must have been big though. I finished listening to my loops yesterday then headed to work. The above mentioned girl was there and we bantered a little bit here and there. After a while though of being in her presence I started to have these weird feelings in my body. I think the aura was trying to project to her (the sexual part of the aura that is) but my mind was resisting it again. She left hours later but I noticed as the night progressed I just got angrier and angrier, along with wanted to just stay away from people.

It got so bad that torrent of emotions was weakening me physically. My body felt very weak and I could barely walk. It went from anger to a whole bunch of emotions. I tried to narrow down what emotions I was feeling but it felt like so many and I couldn't pin point any of them because it just kept on switching. So, I got sent home early. When I got home it felt like it was over but my mind felt exhausted. I went to sleep and woke up about an hour ago. I fell really exhausted at the moment and my body still feels very weak.

Even though I've written a wall of text so far, I think I know what my problem is. I feel like my mind doesn't have as much of a problem with projecting the celebrity effect of the aura but the actual sexual side of things it keeps on resisting. I think this mainly has to do with something regarding my mother. I remember when I was still on 2.5 I believe when I thought of a memory that I haven't thought about in a very long time. I had just hit purberty and my mother had noticed that I was starting to day dream and sleep a lot. She then gave me "the talk". I don't remember so much the words as much as her general demeanor when she gave that talk. It felt like she was disgusted with and ashamed of me for having this sexual feelings. I only recently found out that my mother had been raped before I was born. So I think this caused some negative views of sexuality to be developed in her and she pushed those on me. So I think I got this idea that even expressing my sexuality or sexual desires in a public fashion is wrong. So, I think my mind sees the sexual part of the aura as "expressing my sexuality" (since it is trying to affect people) and therefore it is resisting that part of the script very much.

Anyway, hopefully I get this figure or have a break through because that episode last night was horrible. I've never felt that emotionally distraught before, maybe only when I was having one of my previous traumatic experiences. If this doesn't work out at least maybe the next version will with more tech will be what finally pushes me over. I know it has to be close since this version at least is causing this much resistance.