11-05-2016, 08:42 AM
(10-31-2016, 08:25 PM)4Kingdoms Wrote:(10-31-2016, 02:59 PM)mat422 Wrote: Lately I'm just really envious of people that just fall into stuff and their life unfolds in a pleasant way. For me it's just felt like one hurdle after the next, never getting a break and wondering if I ever will. If my destiny in life is to just constantly be swimming upstream till the day I die. If someone told me that was what my life would be I'd make the best of it. What kills me every day is thinking that maybe if I just cleared more limiting beliefs or visualized or practiced LOA more maybe I could live better. It's the not knowing what's predetermined fate vs things I can change that get to me. Maybe that's my life lesson I need to learn, to stop avoiding painful or difficult things and to stop trying to figure out shortcuts to avoid that.
I have these thoughts too! Where is the fun in know how it turns out? It's like reading the last chapter in a book or watching the end of the movie.
Which do you believe in, be honest... fate or creating your own destiny? That's the first step. You believe in fate? Then just wake up, do what you do, go to bed, rinse and repeat. Believe in creating your own destiny? Take night classes, find new interests, meet new people, volunteer doing something you enjoy, that's how stuff falls into people's laps.
Not gonna lie, at first I got angry with your post. But whenever I get angry at something it's almost always a defense mechanism of some sort. Just wanted to share that because there are some things I'm coming to terms with and your post really struck a sensitive nerve with me. But I do believe in creating your own destiny. I just haven't been doing a very good job of doing it for myself.
Anyway this is a post that's gonna be me being as real as possible with myself. Without dragging this out, which I could certainly end up doing, I'll keep it short. There's a lot of uncomfortable stuff inside me, stuff I refused to acknowledge and thought I could just shrug off. But the more I denied it, the worse it got. My lack of progress has just been me avoiding this deeper stuff. A lot of it just gets to the core of who I am. My humanity, my faults, imperfections, etc. I guess I never accepted these things as being ok and stuffed them down instead. Then it manifested as perfectionism as I tried to be perfect in every aspect of my life to avoid the feelings that come with making a mistake or not being great at something. I guess somewhere along the line those mistakes or flaws in my character made me feel like less of a person and I've spent my whole life trying to avoid those feelings. The problem is we always make mistakes, we always have some flaws, you can't go through life without it and if you constantly run from it you don't go anywhere. You just stay stuck in limbo letting fear control you, never growing as a person.
A lot of my life has been spent watching my actions, what I say, analyzing others, trying to present myself in the most favorable way possible. I rarely ever get to be myself, it's more like I've built up a split personality for the outside world, each situation is a different personality, there's a lack of cohesion or oneness to my being. This is why I'm tired a lot of the time. I know that once I start accepting myself more I won't have that deep fear of rejection that causes me to try to be someone else that might gain me more acceptance.
