10-31-2016, 02:59 PM
It's getting to the point with E2 where I'm more in tune with who I am as a person. The problem is it seems like the more I get in touch with who I am, the more I realize how out of place I feel. Maybe I'm on the wrong path or something, I don't know. I've been sticking with the computer programming, but several times now I've just sat there and questioned why I'm even doing it. I haven't given it an honest try yet as a career, but so far it's not grabbing my attention as much as I would have liked. It feels like I'm sticking with it just so I have a marketable skill and some value in the job hunt. Also I feel like I'm striving towards something and not just killing time and procrastinating with my life. But maybe I'm just deluding myself and avoiding the truth. Backup plans are always good I guess, but the problem is I don't seem to have a main plan.
It still feels like I'm primarily motivated by shame and fear. I want that to end because all it does is lead me to bad life choices that I come to regret later. Lately I'm just really envious of people that just fall into stuff and their life unfolds in a pleasant way. For me it's just felt like one hurdle after the next, never getting a break and wondering if I ever will. If my destiny in life is to just constantly be swimming upstream till the day I die. If someone told me that was what my life would be I'd make the best of it. What kills me every day is thinking that maybe if I just cleared more limiting beliefs or visualized or practiced LOA more maybe I could live better. It's the not knowing what's predetermined fate vs things I can change that get to me. Maybe that's my life lesson I need to learn, to stop avoiding painful or difficult things and to stop trying to figure out shortcuts to avoid that.
It still feels like I'm primarily motivated by shame and fear. I want that to end because all it does is lead me to bad life choices that I come to regret later. Lately I'm just really envious of people that just fall into stuff and their life unfolds in a pleasant way. For me it's just felt like one hurdle after the next, never getting a break and wondering if I ever will. If my destiny in life is to just constantly be swimming upstream till the day I die. If someone told me that was what my life would be I'd make the best of it. What kills me every day is thinking that maybe if I just cleared more limiting beliefs or visualized or practiced LOA more maybe I could live better. It's the not knowing what's predetermined fate vs things I can change that get to me. Maybe that's my life lesson I need to learn, to stop avoiding painful or difficult things and to stop trying to figure out shortcuts to avoid that.
