10-26-2016, 08:50 PM
I'm really up and down lately. I'll get these moments of positivity followed by a drop. I can't figure out why the drop happens. It's like I can't maintain a state of mind where I'm positive. Maybe it has more to do with me using willpower to remain positive and it's the negative beliefs still kicking in and I'm fighting it. At that point maybe I shouldn't even bother trying so hard to remain positive all the time. Especially if it's more of a temporary bandaid than a fundamental restructuring of my thoughts.
The fact is sometimes I'm filled with overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. Like I lose faith that anything could ever be different for me because I've already tried so much. These are my moments of weakness and during them I find it damn near impossible to shift myself out of them through sheer willpower alone.
It's like one day I see all this negative stuff and I think to myself, why did I ever hold onto or believe that? But then on my down days I'm falling into the same old patterns and whatever wisdom I gained that allowed me to see the lack of validity of those negative beliefs just gets thrown right out the damn window. I'm witness to my same destructive patterns but it's like I'm in the passengers seat and there's nothing I can do.
Basically nothing makes sense anymore to me. I don't see any kind of path of healing I'm taking because it's all so unpredictable and random. I could guess what E2 is working on, but it probably wouldn't even scratch the surface.
The fact is sometimes I'm filled with overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. Like I lose faith that anything could ever be different for me because I've already tried so much. These are my moments of weakness and during them I find it damn near impossible to shift myself out of them through sheer willpower alone.
It's like one day I see all this negative stuff and I think to myself, why did I ever hold onto or believe that? But then on my down days I'm falling into the same old patterns and whatever wisdom I gained that allowed me to see the lack of validity of those negative beliefs just gets thrown right out the damn window. I'm witness to my same destructive patterns but it's like I'm in the passengers seat and there's nothing I can do.
Basically nothing makes sense anymore to me. I don't see any kind of path of healing I'm taking because it's all so unpredictable and random. I could guess what E2 is working on, but it probably wouldn't even scratch the surface.
