Well I suppose it was a matter of time until people lost interest in my self-pity train lol. I write first to organize my thoughts, and to see/evaluate them; but I do appreciate and value your input.
One week down of AM6 refresher. I'm playing it loose. Averaging 8h of us when I sleep. Throw in a trickling stream here and there—I'm listening as I write this. I felt the 'heaviness' of AM6 at the gym today.
Earlier this week at the gym two of the hottest girls (not together) were checking me out. One I've seen, one I haven't. The former was the model face/epic ass girl I mentioned in an earlier post. The latter had an air of party girl and promiscuity. I like the attention i.e the validation I get at the gym. It makes me feel manly and at times, alive. I've been doing this my whole life. Disqualifying myself from actual (normal, human) contact with women and getting off on their sometimes verbal, but mostly non-verbal interest. Because deep down I don't believe I deserve more. I maintain distance because I'm protecting myself from the fear of shame and ridicule. And it's so second nature now.
But now that I'm objectively more attractive than ever—more than I can see or believe apparently—I notice interest from the types of girls I mentioned above. And I'm in disbelief. I feel like my appearance is deceiving because inside (and below the belt) I'm so flawed. I've daydreamed about telling these girls not to waste their time with me. About listing the reasons why they should reject me. How fucked up is that?
Strange, I'm not depressed as I write this. I'm going to bed now.
One week down of AM6 refresher. I'm playing it loose. Averaging 8h of us when I sleep. Throw in a trickling stream here and there—I'm listening as I write this. I felt the 'heaviness' of AM6 at the gym today.
Earlier this week at the gym two of the hottest girls (not together) were checking me out. One I've seen, one I haven't. The former was the model face/epic ass girl I mentioned in an earlier post. The latter had an air of party girl and promiscuity. I like the attention i.e the validation I get at the gym. It makes me feel manly and at times, alive. I've been doing this my whole life. Disqualifying myself from actual (normal, human) contact with women and getting off on their sometimes verbal, but mostly non-verbal interest. Because deep down I don't believe I deserve more. I maintain distance because I'm protecting myself from the fear of shame and ridicule. And it's so second nature now.
But now that I'm objectively more attractive than ever—more than I can see or believe apparently—I notice interest from the types of girls I mentioned above. And I'm in disbelief. I feel like my appearance is deceiving because inside (and below the belt) I'm so flawed. I've daydreamed about telling these girls not to waste their time with me. About listing the reasons why they should reject me. How fucked up is that?
Strange, I'm not depressed as I write this. I'm going to bed now.
Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
