(10-12-2016, 08:00 PM)Wharrgarbl Wrote: good post dude.
Thanks. Sometimes it's not so easy articulating what's in my head so I'm glad this one came out coherent haha.
So I think I've mentioned this before but right now I'm learning how to code. I started off really strong, but as the exercises got harder I got worried. I can do them when I actually sit down to do them, but it's the moments before actually doing them that get to me. I'm learning, but at the same time I feel like when I get to the end and have to do a huge project I'm just going to fail. And then I'm worried that I'll never be good enough to get a job. The irony of all this is this anxiety of what could potentially happen in the future is what's causing me to procrastinate and consequently cause the exact outcome I fear.
If I could just stop giving a shit about how much better other people are than me at this stuff maybe I could advance more. But my perfectionism is biting me in the ass once again. I'm just too hard on myself, always have been. Sometimes I feel like until E2 clears this perfectionism problem I'm still going to be stuck in an endless cycle of avoiding doing stuff and then feeling bad about avoiding it. To be clear I do get stuff done, I don't just lock myself in my room all day. But I haven't been in any kind of flow state and I just want consistency. Not this yoyoing effect where I do something, pull back and avoid, do something again, pull back and avoid, etc. you get the picture.
Just thinking out loud here. I know full well I have to bring about these changes, but right now I do feel a little stuck. And I feel like the nature of these subliminals is you can't really know what's going on in your mind to the full depths. So maybe the amplification of this self-defeating behavior is a sign it's being worked on at the moment. Which would also explain my obsession with constantly writing about what this subliminal is doing. My perfectionism knows no bounds, it infects almost every area of my life. Some of my posts on here are just mountains and mountains of nonsense with no substance other than showcasing my obsessive tendencies. But hey I guess that's worth something in case anyone else runs this sub and feels a bit insane at times.
Gonna be starting an offline journal for myself. I've realized a lot of these posts are for me and expressing what's going through my head, but they clutter up my threads WAYYY too much and make it hard for others to see the benefits of E2. So from now on I'm only posting stuff that marks major changes or shifts and keeping all the more verbose stuff to myself. I don't know about other E2 users but it reaches a certain point where you kind of just want to see the results everyone is getting. Not out of impatience or lack of interest or anything like that, but just to see people move on and leave all this negative stuff behind.
