09-28-2016, 04:28 PM
(09-28-2016, 03:52 PM)chaosvrgn Wrote: Was just lost in a wave of nostalgia while out and about. Suddenly had the urge to drive out to my childhood home in the country, where I lived from about 3-4 years old until I was 18. The bulk of my memories was formed here. I haven't been here in a very long time, even though it's only about 30 minutes from where I'm currently living. Been avoiding it. When I got there, I saw that the house has been condemned. Makes sense. It was a real piece of shit even when I lived there. We grew up in poor. Parents did the best they could -- I never went hungry, always had a few nice things -- but poverty becomes a neverending generational curse, exactly why I'm fighting so hard to break this pattern for my child.
Anyway, I had Pandora playing, and "Home" by Sheryl Crow came on. If you watch the video, these are the types of people I grew up around. A black man stuck in a white man's world. That song was followed up with Seed of Memory by Terry Reid. Something about that combination unlocked this... tremendous feeling of emotional release and euphoria, like I was truly letting something go. Not quite sure yet, but it feels like my soul is lighter.
Landslide popped up too. All these songs that just fit the moment. You should've seen me. Grown ass black man sitting on the steps of a dilapidated house in the rain, listening to emo country songs. I'm sticking my face in the rain so I can lie to myself that I wasn't crying.
I can't tell if I'm happy or sad right now. I'm in this weird state of limbo where I'm holding both emotions simultaneously. Oscillating between extreme gratitude for being alive and wondering if it'd be better just to move on to the next realm.
I find it so interesting that a subliminal designed to manifest sex is taking me this far into self-reflection. We have a few critics that say we're not taking action, that we're just wallowing in the past. I'll have to disagree. For the first time in a long time, I'm allowing myself to feel instead of shutting it down, pushing those feelings away. And I think that's the secret -- part of being in the moment and seducing a woman is allowing yourself to feel. Passion, boldness, action -- those are all feelings and if I've been shutting those down in the past, I'm impeding my ability to make things happen.
Yes, I'm very much looking forward to the day when I'm done clearing and I'm executing the sexual programming. I can't say that I'm ENJOYING what's going on right now, because it's painful as ****. However, I'm learning more about myself and the world than I ever have before. So, onward with v2.4.
To those of you thinking about bailing -- give it more time. Let's march on together.
This is probably one of the most poignant pieces of writing, I have read in years. The fact that it is a journal entry only makes it that much more impactful for me.
I felt everything you said in this. And I am truly happy for you. Most people have never felt true gratitude for being alive. I believe you have had a major breakthrough, and this will follow you in every aspect of your life.
And I am grateful that I had a chance to read this. It gives me hope, not for the sub, but for humanity. Ultimately, people change the world, and the world then changes people.
Onward and Upward Chaos. Onward and Upward...
