09-27-2016, 07:17 AM
Finally a post about something other than making this subliminal work better. It's been a while since I've had one of these. Anyway the other day I went out grocery shopping and I came home and felt this depression sort of hit me. I've gotten a lot better with crowds, but I still have anxiety in places with large amounts of people. It's not even the typical social anxiety like thinking they are judging me or anything. I just feel really uneasy around a lot of people. Back to what happened though. I had this depression hit me and I guess you could call it the aftershock anxiety. Normally I start to get uncomfortable with this feeling and try to avoid it and occupy my mind. But this time I just sat with it for a couple of minutes and let it go. It feels like the E2 instructions are being carried out a lot easier lately and I'm able to face and let go of things as they happen in the moment without having a need to listen to E2.
Overall I feel like I'm starting to get more balanced. I'm not checking out as frequently to avoid stuff, and when I do I pull myself back in and come up with a plan or solution for the problem I'm encountering.
I've said it a lot in my journals through the years, but I think the most painful thing is watching your self defeating behavior and feeling like you don't have control over it. I know that sounds like a defeatist attitude, but seriously when your level of fear is so high in your life it's like being controlled by your most basic primitive instincts. I'm at a point now where I realize I won't always be in control, I'm going to slip up some days and let the fear win and that's ok. It's better I acknowledge when this happens and forgive myself than to keep trying to ignore it and push towards some idealized state where I'm immune to fear. If I get to that point great, but I'm not going to feel bad anymore for not being some super confident guy.
Overall I feel like I'm starting to get more balanced. I'm not checking out as frequently to avoid stuff, and when I do I pull myself back in and come up with a plan or solution for the problem I'm encountering.
I've said it a lot in my journals through the years, but I think the most painful thing is watching your self defeating behavior and feeling like you don't have control over it. I know that sounds like a defeatist attitude, but seriously when your level of fear is so high in your life it's like being controlled by your most basic primitive instincts. I'm at a point now where I realize I won't always be in control, I'm going to slip up some days and let the fear win and that's ok. It's better I acknowledge when this happens and forgive myself than to keep trying to ignore it and push towards some idealized state where I'm immune to fear. If I get to that point great, but I'm not going to feel bad anymore for not being some super confident guy.
