09-22-2016, 08:12 AM
More confessions from me lol. Screw it, I'm gonna be open from here on out because I think recognizing the flaws in your thinking is just as important as being optimistic or positive.
I've stated numerous times how my avoidance screws me over at times. I'm realizing it's the same for learning. Right now I'm teaching myself music theory. I'm also starting from scratch with my approach to producing music. Learning the real basics, the ones I thought I learned but really just glossed over. It got me thinking about my unrealistic thinking in the past that since music is a creative outlet you don't need to understand much, just follow your intuition and create. But a lot of that was really just a cover up for my deep insecurity when I attempted to learn something and felt that shame of not being good enough at something.
When I first stumbled upon making music I thought that maybe I had some special talent or uniqueness that separated me from other people, that maybe because I was so screwed up in every other aspect of my life maybe this one thing I'd be good at. I held onto that for a while and anything that threatened that illusion was thrown out the window. In a lot of ways my self worth was linked to being a creative person. As I've grown as a person and a music maker I've had to swallow some bitter truths about myself that were a serious blow to my ego. A lot of this stuff I just outright refused to accept, I'd rather live in my make believe land of narcissism than see how things really were.
And then there's a weird combination of guilt and shame that a lot of the stuff I'm learning is practically handed to me. I think of guys in the past who didn't have this easily accessible information and learned through trial and error. It makes me feel like I'm taking the easy way and cheating somehow. I know attitudes like this are what mess me up the most. I'm constantly comparing myself to other people and measuring up my abilities compared to theirs.
All in all one of the things I hate to admit about myself is if someone does something better than me I'll try to find any flaw that I can expose in them and use that to make myself feel better. It's just a bad coping mechanism because I never learned to be ok with just being myself and not basing my self worth on my abilities and achievements.
I've stated numerous times how my avoidance screws me over at times. I'm realizing it's the same for learning. Right now I'm teaching myself music theory. I'm also starting from scratch with my approach to producing music. Learning the real basics, the ones I thought I learned but really just glossed over. It got me thinking about my unrealistic thinking in the past that since music is a creative outlet you don't need to understand much, just follow your intuition and create. But a lot of that was really just a cover up for my deep insecurity when I attempted to learn something and felt that shame of not being good enough at something.
When I first stumbled upon making music I thought that maybe I had some special talent or uniqueness that separated me from other people, that maybe because I was so screwed up in every other aspect of my life maybe this one thing I'd be good at. I held onto that for a while and anything that threatened that illusion was thrown out the window. In a lot of ways my self worth was linked to being a creative person. As I've grown as a person and a music maker I've had to swallow some bitter truths about myself that were a serious blow to my ego. A lot of this stuff I just outright refused to accept, I'd rather live in my make believe land of narcissism than see how things really were.
And then there's a weird combination of guilt and shame that a lot of the stuff I'm learning is practically handed to me. I think of guys in the past who didn't have this easily accessible information and learned through trial and error. It makes me feel like I'm taking the easy way and cheating somehow. I know attitudes like this are what mess me up the most. I'm constantly comparing myself to other people and measuring up my abilities compared to theirs.
All in all one of the things I hate to admit about myself is if someone does something better than me I'll try to find any flaw that I can expose in them and use that to make myself feel better. It's just a bad coping mechanism because I never learned to be ok with just being myself and not basing my self worth on my abilities and achievements.
