09-21-2016, 12:55 PM
I think what's holding me back with E2 the most is I'm not letting go. I've started giving myself permission to feel anything that comes up and not judge myself for it. I've been trying to heal emotionally without actually connecting with my emotions. I guess I still have shame associated with things like being sad or feeling ovewhelmed or just not as put together as I'd like to be.
If I'm honest I've been barely getting by lately. I've been pushing, but it feels like the pushing hasn't gotten me anywhere. It really just feels like making it through one more day and savoring the things that make me happy as much as possible. Like one of my favorite TV shows is on and I'll watch it and I'll be content for a bit. But when it's over it feels like this massive void in my life. And I'd rather not feel that anymore. Because it's almost like this abyss of sadness/anxiety that I distract myself from by engaging in things I enjoy. I guess I needed to post about that because I've been pretending it wasn't there or that I just need to get over it. And it seems like whenever I express these deep feelings to anyone close to me the answer is to just keep moving forward.
I know this void is the emotional pain I've been avoiding for most of my life. If you can't be ok with being yourself you're screwed because anywhere you go you are there. First step to getting past this is to start being ok with expressing how I really feel inside and being ok with not being ok. There's a lot I've stuffed down over the years for the sake of having the appearance of someone who has their life together. It's probably equal parts shame and fear, yeah a lot of fear I'd say. Fear that unless you're emotionally healthy, you won't be loved by anyone.
If I'm honest I've been barely getting by lately. I've been pushing, but it feels like the pushing hasn't gotten me anywhere. It really just feels like making it through one more day and savoring the things that make me happy as much as possible. Like one of my favorite TV shows is on and I'll watch it and I'll be content for a bit. But when it's over it feels like this massive void in my life. And I'd rather not feel that anymore. Because it's almost like this abyss of sadness/anxiety that I distract myself from by engaging in things I enjoy. I guess I needed to post about that because I've been pretending it wasn't there or that I just need to get over it. And it seems like whenever I express these deep feelings to anyone close to me the answer is to just keep moving forward.
I know this void is the emotional pain I've been avoiding for most of my life. If you can't be ok with being yourself you're screwed because anywhere you go you are there. First step to getting past this is to start being ok with expressing how I really feel inside and being ok with not being ok. There's a lot I've stuffed down over the years for the sake of having the appearance of someone who has their life together. It's probably equal parts shame and fear, yeah a lot of fear I'd say. Fear that unless you're emotionally healthy, you won't be loved by anyone.
